I Just Want To Be Free....

I am fifteen years old. I've suffered from major depression disorder for as long as I've known. Never received treatment for it. Don't need a doctor to tell me or a God. I remember the very first day of school, I got sent home for biting the teacher's neck and causing "disruption". Staying away from the other kids, i spent my whole first years of school in a nutshell, scared of the other kids, receiving special treatment because of my inability to cope with outsiders. I remember seventh grade trudging home from school lying in bed, bawling under my covers as i wallowed in pain. What pain could I possibly have been in at that age people would say. I remember whispering to God, asking him to let me be happy, to fill my heart with joy, and waking up to that same heart aching emptiness that i too often felt. Even whilst I was sleeping. No exaggerations or anything. I had grown so frustrated not only with myself, but with God because I could not understand what seperated me from everyone else. Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't i make friends easily, just walk up to a friendly looking person and say hi? Why wasn't I interested in what everyone else was interested in? Why wasn't I as pretty as the other girls in my class with their long flowing hair and full grown chests? Why was my nose so big, my chest so flat, my smile so ugly, why was there a slash in my eyebrow? How come I could never get along with teachers or authority for that matter? Why did my opinions never matter? Why didn't I have any fun childhood memories to reflect on? The only things I could reflect on was my hair catching on fire, being physically picked on a few occasions in elementary, being chased by dogs, boy did i have a terrible terrible fear of dogs. Why couldn't I live in a nice house like all the other kids and have sleepovers? Why was my house broke down and bombarded with mice and other rodents? Why did i feel this way? And then at some point, after I grew more aware of my surroundings and became more open, after talking to people and being exposed to this beautiful thing called the internet, I realized I suffered from this thing called "depression". And everything it comes with. The OCD (my weird habit of having to wrap a napkin around my utensils before I eat or else i refused to eat), the anxiety, depression and all of his friends. They were living inside my head and my heart. For so long I was so ashamed in what it is that I knew. how could i explain myself? Whenever it is that I try and speak what it is that i'm feeling, all that comes out is mumbo jumbo. Learning quickly that many people didn't understand my disorder, and knowing how my family was, I wanted no one to find out. I was so afraid and ashamed to even utter the words. I'm depressed. So after some time, and coming to terms with everything, my grades dropped horribly, I stopped getting along with my family, me and authority did not mix and I began to hate my teachers and adults in general, my bad aura gave off negative vibes and i started to make enemies, It was all just so horrible and I hate reflecting on It. Then I started freshman year at a new school. I said i wasn't going to talk to anybody. I was going to get all good grades and let everything else fall into place. I started off the school year lonely and cowardly. Long story short, freshman year was the best year ever. I started to make friends, i had an actual clique, i was funny, i had a boyfriend, my first, my grades were good, i enjoyed my teachers, life was great. I finally got to experience what it was that i missed out on for so long. I could actually call these people my family, something i felt that i never really had. They excepted me, they raised me. I grew, I felt pretty, makeup, hair, all. Long story short, sophomore year they all stabbed me in the back and tormented me. Yes, physical bullying, rumor spreading, threats, these people who helped me find my only happiness, the only happiness i never knew, made that year of my life hell. It got so unbearable I finally told my family about it, and they acted like i was speaking a foreign language, after trips to the hospital, purposefully leaving venting notebooks around the house, suicide notes, anything to let them know i needed help and was willing to get it, and no matter how they try and twist and turn it, they just did not want to accept it. For religious reasons, egotistical reasons, and they just didn't want to come to terms. I had never felt so alone. Everyone was against me. So i started a new school, junior year. I said never again will anyone ever break me how they broke me. I don't care who it is. The year started off horribly and i got my schedule switched after skipping a week of school because i felt targeted by a group of people. So then my classes were okay. I focused on my work and now i still have some tensions with those people and a few others, and i try and avoid them as best as possible in the hallways/lunch etc. But I have some great friends around 10-15. My grades are ok. B's C's. They'll never be as good as when i was younger, but that's a whole nother explanation. And now i just feel kind of lost. I'm in a new place (yes it's still new to me), no place to really call home, i still have many self conflicting issues, i still have things that i need to get off my chest, i still have grudges i need to let go of, and i'm just, i'm missing something. I gave up on God a while ago. I don't think i'll ever find true love, i don't know what i'm missing and I just, it's eating me alive. Like when i get off this computer and go on about my business it's like what am i doing, what is my purpose? What am i missing, why am i so empty, do i mean anything? So i don't know. Maybe it's the depression creeping back, but i just want to be free. Imperfectly. However it may be. Just free. Isn't that what we all long for?
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 12, 2013