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I Need To Leave Him (Venting)

Okay, I just need to vent.

I have been with the same guy for over 10 years. We have two children together. Sounds like it would be great, but it is far from that. He doesn't work or contribute anything financially for the last 4 years. I work full time and try to maintain the house as much as I can. He feels like I don't do anything. Like working, cooking, cleaning, and paying bills isn't anything. Then, I haven't heard a compliment from him in over 5 years. I get more compliments from complete strangers than I do from him. He can't even say good morning..how was your day...instead, he likes to tell me what I need to do and should do. He says this over and over again. I am not perfect in any way. I am a human being with flaws. But gosh, I have never known someone to point out every flaw of mine almost on a daily basis. He just puts me down consistently. It doesn't help that I live in a state where my family is not in. So, his family shares his views of me as well. So I feel even more alone. He puts me down in front of his family and also my children. When I try to express my feelings about anything, he just looks at me as if I am ignorant. I'm so tired of feeling that I don't have a say that my voice can't be heard. Screaming into a pillow and crying my eyes out every night is not working. Now that is how he makes me feel. Lets turn to how my children react to him. He can be a great dad. He spends time with them and spoils them all without me there with them. When it comes times to discipline them, he is very hard on them. They are scared to come to him about anything because of his high strung reactions. He reacts with punishment without explanation. Instead of explaining to them what they did wrong, its don't do it again or the next punishment will be worse. If I tell them to do something, he will tell them to do something else. They are so scared to tell their daddy no and that mommy told me to do this instead. THey don't want to get in trouble and they don't want us to fight.

I tell him that he can be too controlling, and he says to get used to it. I can't live like this. I see it effecting me at home. I am becoming reclusive. I have no one to really talk to or even run to to vent. I look forward to when he leaves so I can be me. I can't be me around him, because obviously he doesn't like me. I don't know what he wants. When I ask him, I just take his answer as he wants me to do everything, work, clean, cook while he doesn't do anything. When I tell him about financial things, he just looks at me as if it is only my problem, not his. I want to leave him, but I don't have the strength too right now. I fear that his controlling attitude with the combination of his OCD that he will turn this verbal abuse to physical abuse.

I have always seen people in abusive relationships and gave the advice to leave. But I never thought that I would be in one. I feel so afraid like a little girl who is hiding in the closet. I feel that every move I do is wrong. Every thing I say is not right. I am losing me and I don't know what to do. This is the first time that I have ever felt so much fear and sadness. People are so quick to say..leave him. It is easier said than done.
vent247 vent247 31-35, F Feb 10, 2013

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