Sexual Confusion- a Little Graphic- You've Been Warned

I feel Im sexually confused and compulsive. I never know if I am bisexual, or straight or gay. I have had experiences with men, but none of them have really been that satisfying. I am a man, by the way. Most of the time when I have done this, it has been random guys I have met online and it doesnt typically go very far. There are a lot of things I will not do. I tried some things a couple years back and it freaked me out. Regardless of my sexuality, this is behavior I find innapropriate and compulsive. I think I get really sucked into internet gay ****, and it makes me want to try these things, but it is never as good as it looks. I wont deny that I have an attraction for men. I definitley do. Sometimes it feels stronger than my attraction for women, perhaps on a physical level. I think I am attracted to both in a different way. I am attracted to women as well though, and also on a physical level. Most of my good sexual experiences have been with girls, or women I should say. The best sex I have ever had, to this day still is with a girl I have been in an on again off again relationship with for four years. All in all, I think it is more satisfying for me. It's weird though, cuz Im not always out like checking out womens bodies and ****. Sometimes it is like that, but not always. I defnitley, however do enjoy sex with women. I like the v, if ya know what I mean, but Im not like other guys, like oggling over girls bodies. It seems I am very picky when it comes to girls, and I am usually attracted to them in romantic ways more. I feel the more I experiment, the more I see that I am attracted to the person inside a person, regardless of sex. Sometime I feel I get more turned on when the pressure of sex isnt there and it just flows naturally. I think I should stop looking at ****, as it is unrealistic view point of sexual experience...although it is hot. I think when I was younger, actually I KNOW when I was younger I used to oggle girls a lot and perv out, like on their butts and stuff (lol sorry that sounds ridiculous). I have had way more experience with women than with men. There have been situations with girls where I dont get aroused..or hard. I dont read into it that much though, but obviously I read a lot into my sexuality. I guess the one conclusion I have is that I have enjoyed sex with different women, and a few times with men as well...even though it's not usually sex that is happening. Either way, I want to cut that behavior out. It makes me paranoid of catching gnarley HIV. I recently messed around with a guy I messed around with over the summer. I have never had any sort of intercourse with him. I have not put his penis in my mouth ever. I was tested recently for HIV and it came out clean. Since then, I have had sex with the on and off again girl (a lot when we saw eachother), I jerked off with this random guy (eow), and I messed around with this other dude who was semi attractive. We both kinda just jerked off, and he sucked me. I dont think I came into contact with any of his *****. Im sorry if this is offensive to anyone. If it did come into contact with me, it wasnt anywhere I would worry about ( like mucous membranes). I also just recently, as I said messed around with the guy I met over the summer again. I didnt do much with him either. The only way I could think his ***** came into contact with a mucous membrane (which is how you get HIV) was at one point he was like ******* both of our dicks off and he was like pre-cuming. I guess there is a chance that ya know his ***** could have got into my urethra (penis hole). I mean, I dont know if it did and this is the paranoia that I speak of. Im sure we did the **** rub thing over the summer and I was clean after that. He told me last time I asked that he was clean. I really have no reason to assume he has HIV. He is however a gay male, and I think he is kind of permiscuos to a point. I think he practices safe sex though. He told me over the summer that there was only one time that he didnt..and it was with a boyfriend of his of like 6 months. I dont know. I regret doing it. It wasnt very satisfying this time at all. I got grossed out halfway through. He always wants to do things I dont want to do. Neither of us got off. Actually at one point he was giving me head, and I was imagining it was a women with a nice wet ***** for me to put it in (sorry). Thats what Im used to after getting head. I eventually stopped it all. at first, we were just hanging out and in that way I was enjoying our time together and found him attractive, but after we messed around I was over it. The only other way (POSSIBLY) that his ***** would have came into contact with a mucous membrane, if this even happened, as like if his pre-*** somehow managed to like get in my (sorry) buthole (eow Im so sorry), like if it dripped, or if he like had it on his mouth or tounge, cuz he was kind of licking the bottom of my balls, or near there. He was trying to get to my butthole but I would always clinch it or wouldnt let him. This is why it stopped. The only other I guess semi-risky thing that went down was at one point he was kind of rubbing his *** on my ****, but it never went like in it or anything and I stopped that fast. So, now of course I am tripping out thinking oh my god, what if?? What if I got this disease? I guess it's posssible, but inside I know that I didnt do anything considered risky. There was no penetration ever involved. I dont even have any reason to believe he has HIV. Goes back to that old assumption about gay guys. Since this experience, I have stopped looking at **** and really thought about my life and what I want, which is good. It stopped me from perhaps doing this again, or with some random person again. I at least know him, and he is a pretty cool person, to be honest...will always be my friend. This is the only time in my life where I have actually made a connection with one of these guys. He is also the only one I ever really had a good experience with. All in all Im paranoid about HIV a little bit, even though I think im fine. I will probably get tested in three months just to see, which is when it would show up anyways. I have read a lot about transmission, and it seems that I didnt put myself in too risky a situation, which I am always careful about. I just hate even thinking about that disease. I have heard a lot of mixed things about it though. Part of me doesn't buy into all of it. It seems weird, but that sounds stupid and I know it's real. I was reading some crazy things ha ha. There are definitley worse things out there too, like cancer. I am over all a healthy individual, besides these habits. I surf, play soccer and do yoga. This, actually has encouraged me to take my health to an even higher level. Regardless, of this issue, I still get confused about my sexuality. I think, above everything what I want is good sex with a woman, which I've had...and love. I will always be attracted to a hot guy though, or maybe not. who knows? Can sexuality change? But really I mean Who isn't attracted to a super tan, fit beautiful man? I would appreciate your responses and sorry for the graphic nature. Just had to be real and VENT. ALoha

dangarangarang dangarangarang
3 Responses Feb 26, 2009

It sounds like you're just confused all the way around. First of all, it doesn't sound like you were doing anything really risky at all. It never hurts thought to get tested anyway. Remember too though that Females can have HIV just as easily as gay men so be careful with them as well. I'm not saying that to scare you but I want you to be safe. I think the big problem with your sexual experiences with Men AND Women is that you're expecting too much. Just talk, and let things happen. If you don't have sex, that's fine... if you just need to "Get off" there's ************, and even toys (************ sleeves) Just take the time to get to know someone and let sex happen naturally. If you have any more questions feel free to send me a message. Take care.

another thing I would like to say is that a lot of times with girls it has just been super natural, and I've gotten hard and aroused right away..and had awesome with my on again, off again girl...but even with her the bad thing (didnt get hard) happened one time, when we were first dating. I think it may have something to do with nerves. Thanks

Also want to add that with the whole not getting hard for girls doesnt always happen. I think it happens to other guys too. I dont know why it happens, but sometimes it makes me think like "oh ,does this mean Im gay?" When that has happened, I was usually either drunk or nervous. i dont recall it happening ever with a guy though, although there have been times, where Im just not turned on. Alot of times with guys, I am not nervous though and dont care, and have already been horny and looking at pron for hours..and curious.There are times when im just not turned on with a girl too, as I am particular about girls and their bodies. and parts.