Lately, nothing in my life seems to go right and I don't know why but I am more than destined to find out why. My husband tried to make me feel better by saying, "This is just the time for this to be happening and we'll get past this" but I'm not even sure I believe that.
For some reason now, I can see where he was coming from because last night he was having chest pains and he was drinking beer when he told me, "I want you to be the woman who takes care of everything, I want you to be the woman who cleans the whole house (even if it isn't your house), I want you to be the woman who runs our bath water, I want you to be able to have dinner on the table, etc."
Don't get me wrong, I have been known to do all of these things and more but I can slack off for a couple of days or periods of time due to health problems. I mean, I'm not totally handicapped or have chronic pains (although sometimes I do but I know my limits). We've been in a rut since Katrina and the struggle continues even though there are limited resources to us. After he told me that, I felt as though 'I want to be able to do it all' - everything he wants from me, everything everybody wants from me, and oh-so-much-more.
My husband still doesn't have a job even though he is about to start one in the next few days but we get broke even though he does monthly clinical trial studies to give us money. That money is often gone faster than he can get it in his hand, so I guess I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of living with my in-laws (my husband's brother and his sister-in-law), I'm tired of babysitting and raising their daughter when they're at work, I'm tired of taking care of their house, I'm tired of their way of living (I have no say in who comes in and out of their house which is why I want my own place), I'm tired of being misunderstood, and I'm just tired of wanting something more out of life and not being heard or even getting it.
Am I being a drama queen? I really don't like complaining and I really don't like being a burden but this time it seems as though everything is hitting me hard. I mean, I have been totally restless and I don't dream as much as I used to. I keep thinking about my problems and when I do manage to dream, it seems all over the place and I'm unable to put two and two together and sometimes I can't remember the dream. My dreams play a big part in me and how I receive messages from God for my well-being, those around me, and my life in general but nothing is happening.
I guess you can say I'm frustrated, irritated, and just plain depressed. If you ever saw me, you wouldn't think so but I am. Well, like the title of this blog says, "I need to work on ME!" Strangely, as a life coach, I know just where to begin and what to do. However, I still do feel so lost so friends, pals, anyone who cares, leave me a comment that probably can lift my day, my life, and lift me out of this dreary phase.