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The Untimely Meeting

Here I am sitting in the corner of this room, and again most of the day I’ve been thinking of you. I am asking wither you are the same as what I am, but I know its impossible because you are not in love with me in the first place. We meet by chance, we’ve been forced into marriage out of the blue, yet I never come to this point were I’m going to like you this badly. The truth is I want you, I want you to be here with me, share every moments that we live, know you better and more probably I wanted to see your smile. I want to be the girl you want me to be. I want to be that woman who will exceedly become the person you really like. The girl who is very jolly and can support you all through out. The girl you are dreaming about. However, no matter what I do, I could never be that girl. I couldn’t also make you love me because right now, I am starting to have this mental break down. I couldn’t have the world, I couldn’t fight. I am weak per se. I was drawn by this negative things. I am starting to hate you, out of my love for you. Hate my parents because I wouldn’t be like this, if it weren’t for them. I became so emotionless. I hate myself, because I wanted to give you things you would like, but my action wont do me what I need to do. Social anxiety defeated me in this life. If ever the cricumstances were different, I could still hold you now. I could still make you go back here on my side, and bring you smile. Yet this is impossible. I wanted to cry, cry and cry because of you. I wanted to cry out of the thoughts that youhave never been mine in the first place. You were inlove with someone else, but due to some circumstances, you didn’t get her, instead you got me out of other people’s choice. I never been wanted to give over burden to other people, but right now? What I am doing is hurting you so badly, and mostly every body. I can’t control my emotion. I always went back and have this flashback when we we were together…some of it really makes me happy, but some was the thought that hurt me. It gives me the burden of how I don’t like myself too much due to the reason that I’ve been so ugly inside and out.

I was then used in imagining a prince, who will come to me and rescue me. I’ve been used in smiling and have this giggling effect when I am thinking of someone. But right now, I didn’t even imagine that having my own husband is something that I even need to imagine, that his with me all this time. Its hard, is this how life turn its back on me? Through giving you, and yet you were never been mine in the first place? I did regret the thought of not giving you things you supposed to have. Regret of the things that I keep you go on and on, but I know I wil still give you that out of my unminded moves and my social anxiety. Right now, I did analyse everything. Even how ugly am I. I am having this low self esteem. I wanted to hide from this world, and even from you. I don’t want somene to see me like this. Its hard. I don’t know what had become of me. It frustrate me, why couldn’t I be so happy! I’ve been too quite and mindless of what other people feels, and when I had the chance to analyse them, I somehow over thinks of them. I don’t want pity, but some part of me wanted to have that. I HATED MYSELF. I am asking Allah (swt), why? Why did I let myself to be like this. Once I did said to you, that I wont say sorry and I wont do that because I know I will always be the same. Life always surprise us with things. And it is so unfortunate, that life surprise me with a shock. Right now, I predicting that you love someone. What can you expect to a wife who is uncaring? Man always wanted to be cared always, and I couldn’t give that as well. I think even love that you need, so perhaps you already someone in mind. She’s so lucky! I HATE YOU FOR THAT! But what else I can do?! I couldn’t give that to you. I am always thinking, how untimely had we meet. If only the circumstances were different, and I was grown in a good way, and not so egoist, I could have been a better lover and more specifically a better wife for you. Right now, I am listening to some musics in order to let all my feelings out. But this is I know, this feeling will cause me in to a whirl pool of spiral thinking, and think this stuff over and over again!

People are now judging what had become of me, and maybe even some have this regret towards me, but what else I can do? I can’t control there mind off. Just think every thinking they would like towards me and somehow I will tell you how true it is. I’ll even support them of what they are thinking out of me. I heard that our marriage had this expiration date, and we only have next year I think. Maybe that would be better for you, at least you can move on. I predict you can do that easily because we never had this too much attachment that we could say its hard to forget. However, if that day would come, I really wanted to off in this world. Right now, I am starting to think how will I cross over from this world to other side before we depart ourself, cause as for me I can’t let you go while I am still alive. You will never love me! And I know it!!!! I HAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Why cant we be so normal like other couples!!!????? I HAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEE YOOOOOOU!!!! And I blame everything on myself. I am asking Allah (swt) is it hard to grant a wish for me for the both of us? Maybe I am waiting for a miracle to happen, and only miracle could lead us to something. However, there’s no such thing as that!!!!
Eureka85 Eureka85 22-25, F Oct 28, 2012

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