I Need YouHelp me when I deserve it the least.
Help me in the face of my rage, understand what looks like rage is really years and years of encompassing fear and living each day with unbearable hurt...starting from the very beginning. Everyone has left me. Everyone.
It is easy to help me when I am well behaved,
the good-natured gal, but anyone without skill can treat me well when I am this way.
I need your skills, your love, your help when I am at my worst so that I can understand and identify something better than myself.
You may have to show me over and over again that I have value and that my rage will not destroy you, because I learn these things slowly and my old ways are everywhere I look, they are in my thoughts and feelings.
These thoughts and feelings feel like they will destroy me so I put them in you, because I hope you are stronger then I am.
So please don’t be angry with me for putting these terrible feelings into you, and I hope that maybe you can do something with them because I don’t know how or I need you to show me how with your actions so that I can identify with you.
I try to understand your words but sometimes your words can’t reach me because my emotions are asleep when you are talking but when my emotions are awake and disturb me, they are working in partnership with you, even if just a little.
Each moment in my life is an unbelievable struggle, a fear thats got me so twisted up and I dont know how to be. Inside I feel childish and unprepared to face the real world...i feel cheated that I never had a teacher, and Im always left out, alone.
I never ever meant to hurt you. I love you. Maybe not the kind of love you need or want or deserve...but my love, although strange, is the deepest and most pure love Ive known. And it pains me to know how Ive hurt you, and to know I can do nothing to stop the destructiveness that naturally overpowers all else. I'm so afraid. So very afraid and unable to break free from that.
So thank you for accepting and holding these terrible parts of myself all these years... and then letting me take them back after you have made them softer, easier to tolerate. Thank you for helping me when I least deserve it. For this is when I need it the most.