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Need You... Don't Want You...!

I know this is stupid. Really stupid to fall in love with someone who doesn't even know if you exist or ever did. And it's even more stupd to fall in love with the one who regrets your existence.
I am stupid. Stupid of all. I am the worst of all, too. I was attracted to a guy whom I knew since my childhood. It wasn't like I was in love with him since grade1 or something. But, I knew him as a very good friend. He even gave me lift when it was raining and I didn't carry any umbrella. It was going smoothly until he asked officially to be friends with me. I said we were already friends. He chuckled when I said that without any humor. But, this time his laugh, his words were like lullaby to me. Suddenly, world around me got excited. superbly positive. I realized he change in me. It was so ... different! Our parents were already close friends. One night our parent shad one to attend a party together and left him, his sister and me in my house. His sister was young and fell asleep soon. We both kept talking whole night. Later I took out some albums to show what my family was about. While showing him the pictures and stories behind them, he came closer to me. I really liked it, frankly. He stopped seeing the photos and kept staring at me for a while. I noticed that. Of course, I will!
"What are you looking at?" I asked and sighed.
"You."
"What are you thinking?" I asked and tried to focus at his gaze which were sharply going through my eyes and touching my soul.
"Of you." He said. He looked so different after the moment. I couldn't look at him so I looked down ignoring his gaze. He held my chin and pulled it up and came closer. It was sorta current that i felt in my whole body. He had touched me b4. but it was different. Of course it was. He leaned forward. He kissed me. Not my lips but, my right cheek. I smiled and a tear rolled down my cheek. he kissed it,too. We were quiet after that. we laid on the bed. And his sister was lying between us. We kept looking at each other into the eyes. I don;t know when but then I slept. When I woke up. of course, he wasn't there and neither his sister. I wanted to msg him but what would i? I msgd him 'hi'
he didnt reply for a long time. but then he mailed me n i saw it that night. he said... "I am sorry for what had happened yesterday. I know I shouldn't have. I am sorry. I already am committed to someone else. I lost my senses last night. I am sorry. We should rather not meet each other now. Yours truely.."
That gave meĀ  shock. It's been two years. and i am not over that cheek kiss. And yet he didn;t make any conversation with me after that. Neither did I. I feel numb when I meet him in parties. I avoided going to his home. But, he came once. He has no idea how much had it hurt me. I am insane that I didnt move on. I guess he has a clue. I didn't even reply that night when he came in front of me and said hello. I need him badly. But, I dont want him in my life.
stupidme67 stupidme67 18-21, F Jun 18, 2011

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