I can't fine the words – nothing feels accurate or adequate. It is pain, in a way that is also pleasure – sharp and soothing, like the tolling of a bell. The feeling washes over me in waves, changing in intensity, as if drawing near and then receding over and over. I want to scream and cry, right before I want to laugh and beg... for it not to leave me.

I am owned and gladly taken – away and into. My tears, I don't know if they are pure or tainted, like me and my heart – so confused and lonely for being so. Lost. Locked out, away. I just want to be drawn back in. Where it is warm, where I can feel your heart beating against my cheek. Where I am infused with your smell, your taste.

Where you hold onto me like you would die otherwise. Where there is only us and other realities are merely dreams, nightmares. The tightness inside me must surely rend me in two. How much longer before all that is left are pieces of me, scattered on the ground, under your feet?

But, I can't leave. My will is not my own. Has it ever been? Have I ever not belonged to you? Has my life ever not been but a whim in your imaginings?

Who was I before you found me? Did I even exist... before your lips first touched mine? The memories of what I think must be “before” are nothing more than swirling clouds that can only partially conceal your face – and the only existence I can admit has ever been real.

Laying here, my will extinguished, I wait. And, I will only wait... until I am found again in your embrace.
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Aug 20, 2014