Please Let Me Know


A letter I want to send. Should I?


                Have I done something wrong? Said anything wrong? Acted to needy or not needy enough? Does everyone think that I have no need anymore of support, comfort, companionship or counsel? I feel more hurt now than I did at first. They say when someone tragically dies their loved ones go into a sort of shock; their body’s way of defense I guess. It’s almost like they were hit by that car and the injuries have taken time to show themselves. There are huge gaping holes where their spouse used to fill. Even if he wasn’t a great one he was there. Half the time is spent just trying to get up in the morning and the other is coping with a life so unprepared for. I have to say it stinks. My youngest has to be taken care of, but mentally I feel so exhausted it gets hard. I am not fine as I say sometimes I am. I am broken, hurting, lost and downright lonely. Oh sure one could say just pick up the phone and call someone. That would be much easier for a person who is used to that sort of thing. I am not. I feel abandoned. It has only been two months. I may seem strong, I have been told on more than one occasion how well I have been handling this. They see what they want to see. The only one that really new me is no longer here. With the risk of sounding unappreciative, the money that has been given to us is the easy way. The harder is getting involved in the day to day needs of ours. My responsibilities are many these days. My house inside and out, bills, tax preparation, legal matters, debt, bank accounts, rentals, closing down a business selling a house and praying I am making all the right decisions. My youngest sons needs, school, soccer, friends, dental appts. and most importantly his well being having just lost his dad. My oldest son who I really can’t seem to reach. Trying to know just what to do sometimes is one of the hardest things. When I call people I feel like a burden I can’t help it. Sometimes they don’t even answer their phones which make me feel worse. I wonder if I should be the one calling at all. I have one constant in my life that I am so thankful for and that is my Jesus. I would be wiped out if it were not for Him! I AM  thankful for all the help that was given at the time of my husbands death I just wish it could have lasted a lot longer or at least until I felt I didn’t need it anymore.  

lala43 lala43
Mar 21, 2009