To The Men I've Loved Before...

Talking to some friends the other day has left me remembering. Nostalgic is far too kind a word in most cases.

D. We literally were kids. I'm still so sorry that we never found out.

S. I never meant to play with your heart, I didn't know my own enough to prevent it. Things worked out for the better in the end, for you at least. You've been blessed with a beautiful wife. May you always cherish that.

N. I loved you so much, when you deserved it and when you didn't. Even when you downright hated it. I'm glad you've finally seen I'm worth the effort in return. I say goodbye to who you were, because I'll never again accept that life. I'll never be so innocent again.

D. how you did what you did to me still baffles me. We had nothing in common. Nobody saw what was happening between us, it made no sense. But you awoke in me what had been sent off into a slow coma by neglect. Seeing you made my heart race and stomach tight, a feeling I had forgotten. I ran from you and blamed you because I longed for you so much it hurt. If I stayed I would be irredeemable. I had so much to lose, you nothing. It was the only way I could cope. I'm sorry. I moved on fast, just as you did.

G. Wow. You swept me off my feet and into a fantasy that I could not have imagined. You intrigued and delighted me, but for such brief moments. I became your shoulder to cry on, and you mine. I loved how you wrote, looked, and mostly thought. But the toying became tired, and it ran into a slow burn that was exhausting. You led me on right up until the end. I could have forgiven you disappearing, after so long without so much as goodbye. I was willing to. I even gave you a wave when I saw you. I'll never do that again, I have nothing left to say to you that you could possibly want to hear.

R. You were firsts for me in so many ways. I trusted you more than most, not so much with words or thoughts, but with my heart. You were old enough to be my father, which might have been a part of the appeal. No man has ever said they love me with so much cautious sincerity. Very few have said it at all. I still miss your wit and banter. Your quirky ways. You didn't disappear. It was almost worse, you just didn't respond. Month after month. Oh well, you made your choice. I wish it was a different one.

P. When we met I thought you were going to be yet another idiot, vying for a quick Internet fix for your libido. How wrong I was. You were so energetic and funny. You didn't excite me, you dragged me out into a gentle banter of humour and reality. I felt like I had stumbled upon the set of friends. You're so comfortable, like my favorite wrap around jumper. Thank you for being such a gentleman, you're one I want to keep.

R. It's been fun. 

G. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right. That was just one of those times. Sorry.
EternallyHopeful EternallyHopeful
31-35, F
10 Responses Jul 14, 2010

AW - thank you so much for that comment. You moved me to re-read what I wrote, and to be honset, it really captures my feelings for each of these men. The distance of time gives clarity, I guess. I often ponder the irony of the fact that we so frequently chose a life partener because we need one; when chosing a life partner is so much more about wants than needs - if that makes any sense to you? It's taken me a very long time to figure out what I want - sad really.<br />
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It's really nice to meet you. I'll come by sometime and take a look at your story :)

This is so profound on so many levels just to be able to express feelings and experiences to each and every one of them here, in this place, beautiful. I imagined myself guessing their names at first until I realized it didn't matter it was simply about the experience of learning through living. <br />
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The pieces in the puzzle of life can have a very meaningful connection with each perfect or imperfect fit, you learn when it fits and your learn when it doesn't and grow to build and finish the puzzle. I applaud you for this post, I did something similar for people I loved and are no longer among us after receiving encouragement from my best friend to start the group.<br />
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I will have to read more of you when time permits. Thank you very much for sharing EternallyHopeful and I love the name...

That's horrible sam. Sometimes relationship leave us worse off.<br />
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My puzzle has taught me that I'm the common connection LOL So I'm working on me..

iv recently split with my x and he never said goodbye and he even got his mum to say it for him, i got nothing after one house, one miscarriage, 2 years etc etc, what can you say sometimes you just need closure how hard can that be.<br />
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i hope you find your puzzle x

Good point xRocks, I think that's just it, we dont always know what to say. Still hurts, though. I guess it's the same problem, different ways of coping.<br />
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Not such a great account, really. I'm actually incredibly sensible and boring usually. I just find it interesting that so many of them I haven't had a chance to say goodbye to.

For both sexes, believe me! Only when it's become really weird, sometimes it is just easier to leave.<br />
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This is quite an account, EH. I hope the ones that are still on the ledger appreciate their place in it all.

For sure.<br />
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Yep, I hope yours behave better. It sucks having no goodbye.

Oh...you must tell me more one day...<br />
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Yep....men...but I'm hoping mine will be different...and if you are listening out there....don't ever leave without saying goodbye! OKAY??????!!!!

Isshe - yeah, I know. But the first four are RL people (Yes, it's a little sad. You might recognise one of them if you look again). The next two broke my heart. One is still a dear friend, and the last two were meh encounters... my demise into not wanting to bother LOL<br />
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I know, like I was saying to my other friend the other day - men. What is so hard about goodbye, it's hard for us too you know.

EH, not a wonder I was so confused the other day...lol...so many! It saddens me that many did not find it in their heart to say goodbye properly...why is this the way...