Dear you

I know it sounds crazy but from the first moment I saw you I knew it`s trouble for me. In a bittersweet way..because I never dared to get to know you more than a friend. Because I was afraid I would lose even that little thing that we had. I don`t know if you ever liked me, for love I didn`t hope, beause of my special abusive past. I didn`t feel worthy of you. But I wish you`d somehow know that I loved you madly. And I still do..

You are the one for me - there, I said it. I may be not the one for you, I wish I was everything for you in another life, because that`s what you are for me. I wouldn`t change nothing about you. I knew it from the first time I saw you smiling. I`m sorry if I pused you away from me. I`ve never felt anything as strong as this for anybody, and nothing caused me so much pain and joy.. Believe me, that I sometimes cry even now, after so much time. I avoided you, because I wanted to escape from you. But I couldn`t. You were in my dreams..

Sometimes I feel phisical pain, coming from the depths of my soul, that I never knew I had. Even if I was travelling, or doing something else, I saw you in other men. Then I knew you were still a part of me..that doesn`t go. It stays with me, even in my dreams..

I can`t describe how I feel for you..I wanted so much to show you. But I felt everytime I tried, you had no reaction..like a wall between us. And everytime you came, I couldn`t escape from that wall.. You are the most beautiful person to me, the most complete. I seriously doubt that I will feel something as close as this, to someone. Or, if I will, it will remind me of you..

I felt so complete when I was looking in your eyes, it was like I didn`t need nothing. That it can come even the end of the word, because I had you beside me.

You have no idea how many times I tried to tell you those things. How many times I cried and prayed to God to put an end to this, because I couldn`t take that pressure anymore. I tried even to delete your photos, but after all this time I understood that you are here, in my heart..and I can`t delete you from there. There are millions of songs that remind me of you.

I honestly wish I could have met you when I was more ready..ready to take decisions, ready to free myelf from those walls.
I wish you the very best in life, I understand now that you can` really make somebody love you unless that special someone lets you in. I`m sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable. You will always be that special someone to me, my musical soulmate. Often you were saying things that I would exactly say. It was weird..I know that maybe you`ll be married someday or not, but I wish she would love you as much as I did, even if there were so few occasions when I expressed it..I just couldn`t get passed the walls, the tension. And I`m sorry for that.

I was a junkie for your love, I know that everyhing I felt for you was real. I tried to hate you but I couldn`t..I tried drugs, they didn`t work either. There`s nothing  for me to do than to accept and embrace the fact that you were that special someone to me. 


 

gia99 gia99
18-21, F
9 Responses Aug 9, 2010

And thank you for your encouragements and comment :) If my story hit home to you, I bet you have a story to tell too :)

SunnySmile, thank youu! Forgot to tell you hom much I love your picture :)<br />
<br />
Stuff happened since I`ve written this, I`ve told him through facebook, in sort of an online letter, and it started something like "You better hold onto something `cause it`s gonna sound weird" lol :) I`ve told him little stuff because I didn`t wantd to scare the man, and he told me he didn`t know for sure what I felt, and that we can remain friends..something like that. We are also friends on youtube, and after I told him those things, he kind of started to have songs with more feelings, and stuff.. but kinda confused me, he had "I love you" songs, but "officially" we were friends..<br />
<br />
Well, all that happened kind of fast, I was so insane for a coupple of months, it took all my energy within, we were like `communicating` through songs..I called him "baby", he called me "baby".. you know, coming from him, even though I knew it was too beautiful to be true, "it", that illusion was everything I had..<br />
<br />
Judging now, I think it was like an escape for both of us, from our problems, from ourselfs.. we finnaly met at a party after all this, I was so insane, confusd and scared..didn`t know of what I was more scared, to know that it was all an illusion, or that whatever illusion was, it will end<br />
<br />
It was strange, when we met, it was like he was trying to proof even to himself that he doesn`t care, he changed so many times, like a clown got me crazy, didn`t know if he ever was what I thought he was. There were still some special short times, when I felt him near my heart, and not talking only phisically..it was great to be in his arms, I was thinking `well, I don`t have much, but if I have you..I`m happy`<br />
<br />
But the thing is, is exhausting to love somebody who hates being loved..the short bliss was too short for the pain that was coming. We`re too different I guess, want different things..I was afraid, he was too..if there was ever some magic between us, we lost it. It was ugly, stuff involving other girls in my face ( not as if we were together or something, but when you care about someone, it`s hard to see him in other arms )<br />
<br />
You know how they say, it takes two to tango..we were two, but I was in the sun and he was in the rain. But I know I tried. Those are some lyrics from a song he liked<br />
<br />
"You whisper, "Come on over" <br />
Because you're two drinks in <br />
But in the morning I will say <br />
Good-bye again <br />
<br />
Friends, lovers, or nothing <br />
There can only be one.."<br />
<br />
So I guess we`re in the `nothing` phase now. Phew, sorry for the too-long-story :) , hope we`ll both have better luck next time.

Hi Gia. I read your story and it hit so close to home you have no idea. <br />
What I want to ask is this. Are you two friends? Do you two spend any time together?<br />
You mentioned that you think he knows how you feel. But the thing is, men are not mind readers. Unless you try to get to know him and tell him how you feel, how is he supposed to know you're interested? <br />
And another thing. You don't know if you two don't have a future. Don't decide that until you tried :)<br />
If you have a not so shiny past doesn't mean you can not have a happy future. <br />
You are worth it, no matter what you think or feel and no matter what others may be telling you.

Thank you so much effedupguitarist, your comment was really touching.. he`s not with me, and I don`t believe he will ever.. As time passes I`m less sure of anything, but I carry on.. it brakes my heart to see him, but I doubt things are the same for him.<br />
<br />
I accepted my feelings, and I know the fact that he may never be able to be with me, or share my emotional needs..but as a quote from the movie `Adaptation` says, "I appreciate it because it was my love, there was my time, and my feelings involved".. =)<br />
<br />
Anyway thanks so much for comments! And better luck with "love" =) you know what they say, `better to have loved and lost, than not love at all` .

Gia.. a heart touching story no doubt it is ... but I wish he'll be with you.. cuz if he don't know how lucky he is.. you are damn loving person and he won't get anyone better than you.. I hope he understands this fact... and yeah.. scars.. yeah you have to live with them.. but still... you have to ignore them as well... :( to be happy as the other person is.. like this :)

Oh, glad you like it =) I do have scars, but I`m learning to live with them..it`s like with the past, it makes you what you are today. :]

I kind of did..it`s so, so intense.. and sometimes I think he just knows.. my eyes give me away

exactly what i go through , exactly i feel , exactly what my friend means to me.<br />
and it gets stronger as i speak.<br />
i really wish you will be strong enough and break those walls that stands between you and him . and let him know how you feel.

Yes, well..it happened a long time ago, but you know that thing with scars..they are always there reminding you of something..also, there are good days and bad days though =)