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After 47 Years, I Have Found My Father

I am 46 years old, will be 47 next month.  I have been divorced three times and now live with a wonderful man.  I have four grown children; girl 25, boy 22, girl 20, girl 18 and two grandchildren; girl 5 and boy 2; with one more grandchild on the way in October 2008.

I have an older sister that is 58, an older sister that was 55 and passed away in 2005, an older brother that is 50.  My sisters have the same dad, my brother had a dad - and I always thought he was my biological father, although I never knew him either.  I have faint memories of a step father but they divorced when I was 8 and never saw him again.  As far as I'm concerned, I never had a father.  My mother passed away in 1980.

My mother and siblings all had dark hair and dark eyes, and then there was me, the little petite blonde girl with big blue eyes.  At the age of 11 I asked my mom one day, why I looked so different.  She told me the story of my dad.  She was still married to my brother's father but they had separated.  She met a young man at a bar and ensued a short relationship.  When she was four months pregnant with me, she went back to her husband (my brother's father) and had me under his name.  That was it.  The story in a nutshell.  She was able to give me his full name, tell me he had blue eyes and that I looked just like him.  Told me he knew she was pregnant but never knew that I had been born, didn't know my name or even that I was a girl.  Okay.  I put that information away for years.  Four days after I turned 19 my mother died from pancreatic cancer and I was left alone.  Life had not been good to us.  My mother was poor and unskilled, she cleaned houses and received welfare and tried to raise us kids.  There were a lot of bad times, bad people, bad things, but we managed and I'm still here.  After my mom died I moved in with my first husband, who was very abusive.  I tried at the time to find my dad, but I had neither the resources or knowledge to even know how to begin, so it ended.  I was with my first husband for almost 5 years, we had one child together, and we divorced.  I met my second husband and we had 3 children together, we were married about 9 years.  During that time, I tried once to find my father, with no luck.  I married for the third time and that also ended in divorce in 2005.  Now we are in the age of technology, I'm a grown woman, there are resources available, and I'm going to find my dad.  A close friend was able to find a name, address and phone number of the person that most closely fit and so one day I called.  A woman's voice answered and I asked to speak to DWR, giving his full name.  She said she was sorry, I must have the wrong person as the middle name is different.  I apologized and hung up.  That was it.  I wasn't ever going to try again.  But I guess I'm not a quitter.  So in April 2008 I began tracing my ancestry online.  Of course I only had my mother's side of the family and it was very interesting to learn where I came from.  But my dad's side was still missing.  There is a lot of information on the internet and I began to search again.  And there he was.  The same person I had called in 2005.  My search lead to one end, and he was it.  So I thought, if I'm going to do this, let's do it right.  I wrote a letter, explaining my situation and giving brief details.  I didn't want to give too much information if this was the wrong person.  I didn't want to overwhelm them.  I had no idea what the outcome would be.  I didn't even tell anyone, no one at all, that I sent the letter.  I included pictures of myself, my kids and my grandkids.  I sent the letter and forgot about it, thinking this too would be a dead end.

On April 23, 2008, I was at work and my phone rang.  I answered it and there was this woman's voice and she began talking to me but everything just blurred together and I didn't understand and just what was going on who was this what is happening what is she saying.....  And then it clicked.  She was his wife, and they had received my letter and pictures, and he remembered my mom and her being pregnant and yes, I was his daughter.  I WAS HIS DAUGHTER.  I only remember alot of crying, and her talking to me and telling me things, and not being able to breathe!  She gave me her email address and said to write and we hung up.  I cried, I sobbed uncontrollably.  I haven't cried like that in forever.  So I sent an email to her, thanking her for her time, her acceptance, her tolerance, her openess, for everything.  I had so expected to be turned away, to be rejected, and it wasn't happening like that at all.  So her and I exchanged several emails, she told me about him, them, their family, his work, everything.  I did have his middle name wrong - my mom had remembered it wrong.  They have been married for 43 years and he adopted her two children but never had any of their own.  In fact, he never had any other children.  I am it.  His only blood line.  After about a week of emailing with her (I'm not using names at this point, I'm new here) he finally sent me an email himself.  And then a couple days later, finally, after all these years, the phone call came.  I heard his voice for the very first time in my whole life.  And it is a strong voice, a solid voice that comes from a good man.  She even told me in the first emails that he was a good man, always had been, worked hard, took care of her and the kids, they were lucky to have him.  So during the phone call he asks if I ever make it out his way and I said sometimes, that we would be out that way next spring.  He said that wasn't soon enough, he needed to come see me and meet me in person, I am his daughter afterall.  Yep, more tears, I cried and cried.  I couldn't believe this was all happening.  It still isn't real to me.  So that's been about 2 months ago and we email all the time.  I'm learning all about him and he is learning about me.  THIS IS A TOTALLY POSITIVE EXPERIENCE!!!  It is everything I could have ever dreamed of, but never dared to.  We have sent pictures back and forth and oh my!  I do look like him.  Just like him.  I have his blue eyes, his cheek bones, his smile, his chin, everything!  My mom was right, I did - I do, look just like him.  I'm so excited I just want to shout from the rooftops, I want the world to know this is happening to me!  I'm not alone, I'm not an orphan, I have a dad, I know where I come from - he's the Swiss part of me!  They will be here in 10 days and for the first time in my life, I will get to look at my dad's face, I will get to hold his hand and have him hug me.  A hug for a daughter, from a father.

I have so many emotions going on, all of them good.  But so many thoughts race through my mind all the time now.  All this emptiness is gone.  Just like that, poof! and it's gone.  I am filled with love, I am happy and content.  I AM HIS DAUGHTER.  And the funny thing is, it's like he was never gone.  It feels like we just stepped into this point in time and nothing ever happened before it.  Like he was always there.  Of course he was always there, inside my heart, inside my head.  I find it very easy to call him dad already, and we say I love you.  He can't wait to get out here and be with me, with my family, his grandkids and great grandkids, HIS DAUGHTER.

I hear people talk about how angry they are and all the grudges they hold in a situation like this.  I am not one of those people.  I just don't have it in me.  It wasn't his fault that he didn't know of me.  My mom was in a bad situation and only did what she felt was best.  I try my hardest to never judge someone's choices in life because I didn't have to live in their shoes.  I think he was worried about that and I have reassured him, I'm not looking for answers to the past, I don't care what happened 20, 30, 40 or 50 years ago.  I'm interested in right now.  This is what we have control over, is right now.   And right now life is good.

TarLion TarLion 46-50 19 Responses Jun 17, 2008

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I am in a similar situation. I am 46 yrs old & I have never met my biological father. I did find him and I did go to his home. I briefly spoke w/his wife and his son, my half brother came out & talked w/me at great length. But I believe I was in such shock that I just wanted to go into the home & actually meet him & talk to him that I didn't hear everything he said. My biological father is sick w/his second battle w/cancer liver or pancreas. I left my telephone numbers, my address, hoping for a call. Hoping for contact and a connection. It hasn't happened. No one has called me, no one has contacted me at all. I have written a letter, I have sent a card. I just want to know my heritage, I want a connection to my father's family also. I want to know more about what makes me who I am. I do not know what else to do but I am not one to give up easily. I am also a direct and matter of fact kind of person. I don't know what else to do. I hope he hasn't passed and I hope he reaches out to me.I have thought of trying to be a sales person to get in the door. ugh...so sad and so frustrated and so afraid he may pass & I will know nothing and learn nothing.

I'm so sorry. I don't know why you would be so close, right there, and yet you were not invited into the house. Pancreatic cancer is horrible. That's what took my mother, and quickly. Although I am blessed that I made a positive connection with my father, I was prepared to not have a connection at all and just needed to know the same things as you, my heritage, health history (which became relevant), and why am I who I am. I got my answers, and I hope you do too. Keep reaching out, make sure they know you don't want anything from them, just the knowledge, and perhaps being able to look into his eyes before he passes. I wish you the best of luck. Don't give up.

My story is almost the same except I don't know my fathers name or anything.. But I have a huge hole in my heart I feel like it will never be filled until I actually know him.. I'm 27 have beautiful family of my own a 6 year old boy and a 7 year old girl, my husband is wonderful and my life is great. I should be happy but I feel like I'm missing something.. I've searched within myself and I know its my father.. I have forgiven my mom and moved passed everything, she made bad choices as a young women in Mexico, she said she met my dad when she was working as a well a bad work.. My dad was in the army and she said he was a good innocent male that was just having fun with his friends, they crossed the border to show him a good time. My mom said he was very innocent and fell for my mom. Got her pregnant and wanted to marry her but she had my older brother to think of. he got stationed in New York so he wanted to bring her with him but she didn't want to leave my older brother behind in Mexico. So he left, my mom said he wrote a lot, even sent money. But she moved and lost touch, she said she barely understood half the things he said and can't remember his name. So all I know is that he was stationed in Texas then New York and he was American and had family in Canada. I know he is out there and knows he has a child somewhere but just like me we don't have enough info to find each other. I just don't know what to do or where to start.. So sad.

This story is a similar story of my life, and after reading this story I have made that call, put two and two together and found my real father and sister, and right now life is wonderful. I urge anyone with nagging doubts about the past... make that call. ask that question and follow you lifelines. I cannot thank you enough.

I agree. Make the call. Write the letter. Regardless of how it turns out, at least you will know. You won't have to go through life wondering......

can you advise me what you said in your letter. i'm about to write my dad a letter after 40 years. (found out his address today). bit nervous about what to say.

jacq

Well it's been a while since I wrote that letter. I tried to keep it simple at first because I was not even sure it was the right person I was writing to. I gave the year and place where my mom met him, my birth date and birth place, the siblings I had when he and my mom met - just trying to clarify that it was the right person. Then I went into a brief description of myself, where I lived, married/divorced, my children and grandchildren, career stuff. Then I briefly went through the times I had tried to locate him and said that this was going to be my last attempt. I stated that I was prepared for whatever the reaction would be, or that I might have the wrong person, and assured him that I was looking for nothing more other than to know where I came from. What I didn't go into was all the emotional stuff, the pains of my childhood and everything that was wrong growing up. I carried no anger at him so there was no point in being negative. So basically I kept it to facts that I was sure of to verify I had the right person, and then told him about myself and my family without telling too much. What I can tell you now, five years later, is that I have a great relationship with him and with my step mom. We have shared stories over the years and I now know where I came from, my heritage, his family history, health history, and all the things I had wanted to know about him all these years. Unfortunately they live in Canada and I live in the US, and they are too old to travel now and I have reasons I can't go to Canada, so all our communication is by phone, email, and social networking. But I'm thankful for the technology that keeps us connected. In closing, all I can say is just write it. Don't wait another day, don't worry too much about it all or saying the right or wrong things, just do it. If I would have followed my instincts I would have connected with him two years earlier, and he probably would not have retired to Canada and we would be closer. The best of luck to you.

Your story and mine are so similar. I met my dad this year...I am 46 and he is 70. It is like we have known each other forever. If only he had a wife as precious as your dad has. But it does not matter. My dad loves me and I love him, and there is a comfort between us that you would relate to I am sure. We look alike as well which I cherish completely having never looked like anyone else. He is my father...I am his daughter...simple and so sweet. He did not know I existed until I was 13 and then always wondered where I was. It's magic,really.

Wow so perfect Im so proud of you I am turning 28 years old and I just found my dad. I loved reading your story I can relate 100% its just this love thats so strong that some of us have in us for our parent we never met. I feel so Complete now too I havent got to meet him face to face yet I will real soon though. Its encourging finding these storys because I have the negative people around me that wants me to hate my dad 4 not being around. BUT I DON'T... I love him so much!!

Amazing story mate, it definitely has helped me strive to finally find my side of the missing link as well of the American side. Thank you so much for sharing this.

I am 39 now and only today have been given my natural fathers phone number! Meeting Jim is something I have desperately want to for as long as I can remember.. But now that I can contact him I don't know if I should. He didn't believe he was my father when my pregnant 16 yr old mother told him. He denied it was him. Now at 39 I'm not sure I can take that kind of rejection again... Thank for your post...

I am 42 years old and just found out that the man that raised me is not my biological dad. In fact, he isn't even married to my mother ( legally). Not dealing with any of it very well. Always felt like i was different growing up. Like i didn't fit in. I think i wanna know who my biological father is. But my mother is vindictive as well. She won't give me any more than his first name and how old he is. I know i have brothers and sisters as well. She wont give me the information cause she don't want me to go looking. She is afraid it will hurt the man that raised me. Not knowing feels like torture ! Why even bother telling me if you won't tell me everything and let me decide whats best for me?

I agree this is a touching story. However, I am in the same situation. I am only 27 though. I got to talk to my biological father for the very first time (on the phone) on fathers day of 2011. He and my mom both had been seperated and married and divorced to several different people. My husband has asked me one day "if i had the chance to meet my biological father if I would want to?" Of course I said yes, but it was all the matter of getting my mom to tell me his real name so just one day out of the blue he finally did. I too started searching on like every search engine their was. I would find his name, address, and phone number but also would find a few different ones, so i never knew where he actually was. I found out where he went to high school. Found out I had an ex-aunt (my uncles ex) that went to school at the same school. So i started talking to her to see if she knew him or any of his siblings. Surprisingly enough she knew his sister and shortly after i connected on facebook, my ex aunt had become friends with my fathers sister. After i found out who she was i sent her a message on facebook and explained to her that she might know me and i asked her to except my friend request so i could explain more. So after a few messages she did. I started talking to her and finding everything out. She hadnt talked to my dad much bc he lived in another state and just didnt come around very much. He ended up going to see her the weekend of fathers day 2011 to take their parents out for their anniversary and his sister told him when he was their that he had another daughter and had told him my name. He headed back home the next day and called me when he was on his way home to say hi. I was so shocked bc it was fathers day and i just thought it was an akward time to talk to someone you have never meet in your life. Anyway, after almost a year of only talking to him a few times on the phone (maybe 2 a month), I am making a trip to show up at his surprise 50th birthday party. I am excited yet nervous. I am only going off of what my mom tells me. I have spent a weekend with my aunt (dads sister) who is totaly awesome, and we went over pictures and talked about alot of things and it seems as if i fit in. Will i ever know for sure if he is actually my biological father? Probably not. I have had many step fathers in my life and could never get close to them. The only man i got close to was my father n law who I only knew for 5 years when he passed away. Out of everyone i have talked to, they dont really say many nice things about him. Hopefully soon i will be able to judge for myself and find out on my own.

My story is I was kind of brainwashed into thinking that my moms boyfriend was my father up until I was 42 years old. But when I was like 5 years old I always remembered the name Michael Stewart. I homeschool my kids so when we decided to do our family tree and it came down to my father I said let me find out exactly whats going on. For it has always been a question about this Michael Stewart. Its just like a soap opera, when I asked my mother who is MS she said who told you about that name. I told her I never forgot her mentioning that name not remembering the full convo but, she said he was someone who she dated,, then she eventually came out and said that he was my father. Come to find out their was a reunion that was going on for the projects we use to live in. I went showed him a picture of my mom he said yes I use to date her, and decided to do a dna and he said that he would embrace me 100 percent if it is so. Come to find out it was 99.9 percent accurate.<br />
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Long story short he wanted to rush me and the kids to his home, of course I wanted to go 42years and the clock not stopping. He has this lovely big lavish house in Virginia Beach. My kids did somethings to a clock he had he was so upset. He stopped calling, and I would call and he would say ok we are going to start over fresh. But it seems like I always have to do the calling, like he doesnt care that I am his only beautiful. He has one son from his marriage, my kids are the most beautiful children ever. They are kids they make mistakes why is he holding this against me. I was thinking about calling once more and if it doesnt work then I'm going to leave it alone. Its just that my mother has passed away I'm feeling really lost right now, and my kids never had a grandfather. They need as much family as possible in their life. What should I do?

Unlike so many stories here, my dad knew where I was all along. he chose not to be a part of my life until my mid 20's. Then I decided he couldn't be a part of my life. There are reasons why I feel the way I do. He made choices that decided the way my life would be as a child. I will never forgive him, and so I have made it this far without him, I think I can manage the rest of my life without him as well. He left when I was three, my brother an infant.....His loss..

Hi your story is just like mine, Im adopted with 2 awesome parents, ive known my mother all my life, 40yrs and my father about 20, hes just started making contact with me and wanting to meet my family but deep down I cant get excited I don't want to get to know him, not yet anyway, am I abnormal??Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

No you're not abnormal. You were blessed with two parents, doesn't matter that you were adopted, they were still your parents and still there for you. That would explain why you don't have the need or desire to get to know your biological father. Nothing wrong with that. I always searched for mine because I didn't have anyone. You set the boundary for how far you want the relationship to go and don't feel bad about it.

I'm 38 my story is way different my mother is a vindictive and spiteful woman she got pregnant with me at 17 and tried to punish me and every one else involved including men that had nothing to do with it she over the period of 38 years had told me several lies everytime id learn about them I would get a new lie even once I had learned the truth she went as far as to ask a man to lie about being my father in may I was given a message on facebook from a guy that thought he was my brother I was excited we started talking on facebook after a week or two I wanted to talk to my father so we exchanged messages thru my brother he realized id never been told his name so he called my mother wfho never allowed him to see me even when she made him give up his parental right when I was 7 he took one look at my picture and knew who's son I was and I wasn't his my mother had the nerve after using me to punish him for 38 years to lie and just keep that information to himself he gave her a week to tell me and then I got the message on facebook that was the third time I had been letdown but now I had a name within twenty mins I had his phone number I called several times that day trying to get someone I didn't want to leave a message I finally talked to my stepmother and asked to talk to my father she asked me about what I told her was personal and she wanted more ao I asked if they went to blank highschool in ?? and did they know my mother and she said let me get him and I just blurted it out I was told that you might be my father he drove down the next day when he stepped out of his truck I was blown away how much I looked like him we tok dna tests a week later and I was his I could finally write my mother out of my life I was never really wanted in hers anyway and now I've got brothers and sisters that want to be in my life this family thing is all real new and frightening for me but its a good and very postive thing in my life this my first real christmas with a family and I can't wait I've neverbeen this excited before about a holiday even as a kid it was always a lonely dissapointment I think it will be different this year

I just found my real DAD after 47 years, When I was 18 my mom told me that my dad was not my real dad that my dad wasCharles Knoggbar , We searched and we found nothing then last month She found out that she spelled his name wrong and with the right spelling wham bam she found him now i just called him and he sounds like a good man i just am having a hard time dealing with it i dont know what to do ......after all these years i am a 47 year old male and i looked for so long now i dont know what to do........

Wow this is an amazing story..

I feel a sense of relief reading your story. I found my father after 30yrs. My mother always told me that he was a good man and that I was the one that suffered in their inexperienced decisions. I never held any resentment towards him, and when I found him I immediately loved him. It's what came naturally to me. I feel so lucky to have found him. I appreciate you posting your story. This assures me that I'm not crazy feeling the way I feel.

I am inspried by these stories. I am 42 yrs I have been trying to find my father for yrs but all I get is a bump in the road. I have never met him , the only thing that I know about him is that he dealt cars on some lot back in the late 70 and early 80 in Saint Louis, MO his name is James Childress he should be between 62-68 if he is still alive. I would like to me him one day so if anyone have info or could lead me in a way to get info to find him I would be very grateful

I am 19 years old and my dad left my mother before she found out she was pregnant... she was on drugs and lied to him so he left her. Soon after he left her she found out she was pregnant. She told hiim but she had lied to him so much before that he was doubtful. She never bugged him anymroe about it so they just went on with there seperate lives. I grew up with a drugy mom so I had to live with my granmother till she was better. I always wondered if my dad knew if I even existed. I was so mad at my mom for years cause she wouldnt give me any information on him.. i knew his first and last name.. but when I looked it up there where thousands with that name. I am finally old enought to do things on my own so i have been searching for him.. i found out that he lived in mississippi so i payed money to find him.. I finally did and got him to email me. It hurt so bad though when i found out he had known about me the whole time.. and had not tried to get intouch.. i still wanted to get to know him but we are in the process of emailing now he is telling of his new life.. but i donno what i should do just because i was on his side of things at first cause i knew he left my mom for drugs and was not really aware of my existence. Now that i found out he knew it makes me feel like unwanted eventough we have been writing. I cry everyday and stare at my email hopeing to hear back to him. I just dont know what he wants of me. I love him eventhough i really dont know him and i would love to hear he loved me to.

Touching story. My story is a lot like yours, I'm 36 years old and I have never met my biological father. I found out about him when I was 17 my parents was in the middle of a divorce. This was a family secret, Grandparent, uncles, aunts, no one talked about it. I was really hurt a couple of years after I found out. But I loved my step- father and went on with life. Until last week when my uncle said I spoke to your father do you want his number. Just like that, this is something we never talked about he knew I didn't know my father as a child. I was a little upset at first, but all this week I've been thinking about calling him. I have no idea what I would say. My mother will not talk about this. The only thing she said is it was no ones fault things just happened. I'm o.k. with that comment.