The Truth And The Lies

I never knew my dad and my mother always told me that he died in car accident. While i was young my mother had two relationships with other men. Who tried to fill up the void of father figure in life, but they sucked badly and i had two live with other kids, that sometimes were considered to be my brothers. While my mother wasn't even married to the guy. And forcing a kid to call you dad, aint gonna work either. . I was glad that my mother took the decision to stay alone and raise me by herself. Cause the men she had been with just caused her pain then good fortune. She clearly saw i suffered from it, and she used her common sense to look for something better. But she wasn't definitely traumatised by her experiences with men. I just lived alone with my mother over the next years. But i always asked myself questions what she was hiding.

When grew older i started to confront my mother more with questions. My mother always kept the truth conceiled and shrugged most things off. Until i became 16 and had big fight with my mom about my dad and my life issues. I was being bullied at schools, my grades werent really great either. My mother snapped when i was driving her mad with my bickering and she suddenly said in anger, he killed himself since he had a manic depression due an accident that happend at his work. She started crying and i was left with a big OMG. I asked her what happend. But i couldn't require any of the details behind the suicide. I struggled with the information, but eventually didn't care about it anymore. All i was told that he killed himself because a kid drowned during swimming while he was on watch and he tried to save the kid. But it was to late. He was blamed for the death.

But years went by and it still feel it missed something, so secretly i started to analyse people and hear other people's stories. If there were others like me. I studied social science and learned about people and relations. I sometimes confronted my mother again with questions about my dad. But i always fended off not to talk about it. i'm actually an educator right now. So the search for the truth of my dad kinda surged me to become somebody who wants to help other people.

Now i am 25, and i recently found out the real truth about my dad. My old guardian died recently and he set things in motion then i never imagined. I felt i had to find it out. I went on rampage to find out the truth. I confronted my both families to come out with the truth. I called my grandmother and she told me after 24 freaking years. She was glad that she can talk about it, but i couldn't tell my mother (Yeah right) so made a nice plan for myself to find it all out . I heard a whole story and more details about my dad. That i could believe my eyes, why after all these years. While they could have told me a lot sooner. I was seriously pissed of with both of my families for thinking i can't handle the truth. And they also told a lot lies and good things to keep me calm and swayed you could say.

It seems both my families kept me in a cocon to save me from the truth. I went on a search and confronted everyone with my analysis. And all the things could be put in perspective according to social relations and things that people go trough dealing with people that die from manic depression by killing themselves. I felt horrified that i had to figure everything out myself and it made sense to me every detail in my head. It was all the truth. Thank you education and social science. I learned a lot things about manic depression over years when i was studying in college, so could put a lot of things perspective. They didn't know, but omy where they in for a surprise.

i did my own research in my head and linked all the data together. Last year i found out my dad actually tried to kill himself several times and one of reasons he went into depression is that he also lost his father, my grandfather. Yes i also don't know my grandfather and my own father. The death of my fathers dad was big blow to him. When the accident happend at his work. He completely lost it, it happend shortly in timespan of 6 months. The kid that drowned, it wasn't his fault. It drowned because it choked in his own vomit while swimming. Because it misate something during lunch. That what i found out today. So the thing that was told to me at the age of 16 wasn't the whole truth. Those two things happening short of each other pushed my dad towards a depression he couldn't handle, the death of the kid and the death of his own father. I bet he didn't see the light anymore, i have understood that. My mother suffered, all the family and friend suffered, and it seems he was well loved man. I'm his blood and they maybey kinda saw me as the last rememberance to him. His son. They even know he was sick and they still wanted a child, i guess that was me. THinking he might see the light again, very sad indeed. But i can't blame him.

In the end i forgive my families, my fathers side of family was always kept shielded from me, because my mothers side of the family always feared they would tell me more stuff. But you can't keep the truth for long. Eventually you dig it yourself if you think enough. All i can say, i never wish this to anyone and i'm glad that there are people out there who go trough the same things in life. This is something i'll never forget. Luckily i can say suicide and manic depression are nasty beasts.

ATM I'm reconnecting with my uncles on father side of the family. I finally understood why and how. But it took my whole life time till today to find out the truth. In i still wonder who is my dad. You just have a picture, i heard a lot of good stories about my dad. And i'm proud i can say there are traits of this good man running trough my vains.

Thank you for reading
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 23, 2013