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In the Norm?

I've always been like this I think. I try to make the efforts to socialise,but at the same time I have this mistrusting element inside me that is wary of the users and the exclusive people in the cliques,so it kind of sets me apart from everyone else. Sometimes I'm not bothered by it,but on bad days,when I feel so alone,I can't help but long to be accepted. But then again,why would I want to be accepted by these sort of people? They're no different from me at all,they're humans like the rest of us who to decide to be somebody else because they aren't satisfied with themselves. I waited a long time to start sleeping with men,but I wasn't afraid to experiment,away from pressure. I wasn't pressurised into smoking,despite what my dad says,and even the guy I'm currently with right now is trying to stop me from smoking (I ended up lapsing the other day,but he knew that it was bad for me,but yet was puffing away happily on a cigarette himself). Some of the decisions I made I guess were to be accepted into a group but at the end of the day,I wasn't good enough for them. I do things for me now.  

orangeblossom89 orangeblossom89 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 29, 2008

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Thanks Flourlady. I have very low self esteem,which doesn't help matters,but I'm working on that.

well always love yourself no matter what-ok?

I only realised that because my bosses,who use their anger and frustration,are no different to me at all (even if they are a 30-something),but they use it to show dissatisfaction towards other people that they have in themselves.

I have dealt with rejection at school,and believe you me,playing games with a skipping rope,on my own,made me feel like the gawkiest child in the playground ever. I was told at 11 years old that I was ''too old'' to do certain things. Adults can be so cruel towards children at that age. They expect you to be strong and be able to make friends,but no,not me. I still had to deal with it a bit at college,but it made me feel stronger. I feel like people are drifting away from me,but I'm really not bothered,because I don't trust the majority of them as far as I could throw them. I'd rather be left out,sitting at home with my real friends,than be left in the cold,abandoned by false friends.

For example,when I was 15, my so-called friend went and had sex with her ''boyfriend'' (her actual boyfriend was apparently fighting in the Army) in a bush after we had gone skating,leaving me to wait for my mum. She was the most manipulative person that you could ever meet at that age. She kissed her best friend's boyfriend while her best mate was skating (even I wouldn't do that),and she told me a lie that the guy I had liked (one of my friends' younger brother) had spread the rumour that I wanted to take his virginity (which was long gone,according to his friends). So,first day back from Easter holidays,I approached him at breaktime and called him every name under the sun,and we had this massive falling out,and with her included. She suddenly took back all she said,so I put the phone down on her and we didn't speak for a year,but even then,she still had bitchy things to say about others. I haven't seen her since,thank goodness,the vicious cow.

But yeah,I try and steer well clear from people like that. They're extremely toxic.