I Hope Not To Again....

To have spent so long saying it'll be ok or things will improve and nothing ever changing I made the hardest decision....... to leave.

I loved him, but had long since stopped being in love with him.
He was controlling and I foolishly allowed this control to be taken - thinking it was ok, it was part of it.
But it wasn't, should never have been.
I excused his inaction and his tempers and made excuses for him.
Each day for the last few years a little of myself slipped away. Until I came to the horrifying realisation that I was gone.

There was nothing of me left to give.

I am not pretending I was perfect - far from it.
I did wander into the path of another when affection was devoid from my day to day life for so long. I fell for affection and attention and compliments which was foolish. I enjoyed someone cherishing me. But then was discovered. And I tried so hard to fight it.
To acccept that to not have those things was ok because he told me he loved me.
He told me he wanted to be with me and didn't want me to leave.
I told him I didn't want to leave.  At the time I meant it.
I believed we could work together and improve things.

So I didn't leave. We promised each other we would talk and things would change.
I talked, was ignored.
I changed even further ........
in the way I dressed, the sacrifice of friends.
He didn't change a thing.

But now he believes my error in judgement is the reason we are no longer together.
It's not.
It is a part of it.
The part where I realised I deserved to be cherished, adored sometimes.
Not ignored and forgotten about.
Used and abused.

But I ended it because I mentally and physically couldn't take anymore of this nothing we had become.
So here I am starting again.
Scared, alone, and missing being held.

And the one I wandered to...... he is around. 
I care for him deeply.
But his situation is moving and turning too.  So he is unreliable and wrapped up in himself - which I understand.

But for now I need reliability and have none.
I need a cuddle - to feel safe once more and have none.
I need............. to find out who the hell I am now?

And can't yet.

I have started trying to write again - poetry that is.

I used to find it such a release in times gone by.
For good things and bad, happy and sad.
But for now I find myself trying to pour emotions onto the page,
and all that pours are my tears.

Time will heal - apparently.
For now the pain that exudes must be locked away.
PaleAngel PaleAngel
31-35, F
1 Response Jul 24, 2010

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Tony.<br />
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I did the right thing but I still wonder, in the dead of night, when sleep evades me, if I did. When the pain will start to go.<br />
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And so life moves on, in its own way.<br />
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I'm glad you like the poems. I've written more - but haven't shared........ I may do.<br />
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