Awkward.

Where do I start.

I started school in the middle of year three, being home schooled up to that point. My father has always been passive and silent, where as my mother is extremely passive aggressive and facetious. I've never felt comfortable sharing my anger or sadness or fear with my family because I'm very used to being ignored when I talk. After going through primary school like this, I stopped talking about feelings and even made the effort to maintain a constant blank face. I think it made me feel like I had my feelings under control. I felt very lonely in school, even in my later years of high school when I had people that I talked to, I felt very distant and didn't really care about them. I didn't share anything with them about myself, fearing shame and ridicule.

I've finished high school and find myself alone and sad. I've managed to get to a point where I can be happy in front of people, but find it impossible to show others when I am angry or upset. I bottle everything up. I don't even know what I'm angry about most of the time because I haven't even let myself give negative emotions a name in my head for so long. A disagreement will leave me wanting to cry and not know why. I can recognize emotion just by my physical response to it, that's about it.

Although I can still function on a day to day basis, and can manage work and study (albeit irregularly), at the end of the day I'm left feeling blank. I don't look forward to seeing my "friends", I often feel I have nothing to contribute or nothing I want to receive from them. Even so, I get bored with my own company.

I am depressed by my situation, have been for years, and never felt this was issue enough to go seek assistance, because hey, I'm still functioning right?

I'll probably regret posting this emotional outburst later, but whatever.
SeekingSerendipity SeekingSerendipity
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 10, 2012

Wow. This sounds so much like me. I asked myself "did I write this?" lol

Unless they were happy emotions, I didn't show any emotions. I remember in high school, I gained this reputation for not caring. Like you, I walked around with a blank face. I often kept my feelings bottled up. However, throughout high school, I always thought "people disappoint me. Why would I share my feelings and emotions with people that disappoint me?" It made me feel like I had my feelings under control also.

I hope you didn't regret posting this.

Yeah I felt disappointed by people too, felt above them for some reason. Emotions felt like a weakness to me I guess, but that way of thinking didn't make me happy. I realize now that friends are needed in life, but it's too late I've isolated myself from people.
If what I've said resonates with at least one person, then no, I don't regret posting. :)

Welcome to my world. Actually no, not exactly. I mean, I do not have a blank face, but I do feel like you. I mean, I have the feeling my existence has no meaning. My family loves me, and I love them too, but it isn't enough. I don't know either what to do, but I just wanted to tell you you're not alone in that struggle. In society (I'm 19) I'm just closed off all the time. I don't remember the last time I felt sad, or happy, or anything for that matter. I just don't feel. i fake things, I fake my happiness, my concern... i'm acting like the psychologist in my school with my so-called friends. Why so-called? Because if I didn't see them at all, I wouldn't be bothered. i have no connexion with them. i just can't bring myself to care, and it's awful. The only advantage I have is that I find people's problems and solve them easily because i am so deatched I understand all the emotions and all the problems. I mean, I get what enotions are and all that. But I never authorize myself to feel them. Which is a huge problem in my life, as I have no sentimental life... I mean come on. I wish I could. Love people. Be heart broken. I can't. And it hurts. All the time.
I don't have a solution. I did go seek assistance... it didn't help. But I'm here. So I don't know. Maybe we can help each other out...

Ahh yes, being detached. That sums it up perfectly, haha. I never thought'd find someone like minded. Thanks for the reply.
(I inadvertently replied to one of your posts, not realizing you had commented on my post already, damn).