It Just.. Happened.
It started on a chat site we both went to. He disappeared for a while, he had said he was deployed on his profile. I messaged him and then it led to IMing. A month in.. I was done. Just didn't realize it at the time. By the time I did, it was too late, and I was with someone else (through weird circumstances that I hadn't really been aware of) and hurting him. He got deployed shortly after, and I tried forgetting him. While with this other guy, I was still depressed (legit depressed, was on meds for a while) and having panic attacks, but I didn't know why. I blocked the soldier, Marine, actually, out of my mind as best I could, but random little things would happen and he'd pop into my head.. One day I got an old request on my new IM account.. I added him and we talked. It was strained, but I told him I was sorry, and explained. My blogs tell of my more recent attempts to get him to be mean to me because I felt I deserved it, but he never was. The closest I've come is him saying that at this point, he is not interested in a relationship because actions in the past hurt him, and maybe two or three more things he's said that I can't recall as vividly. Despite all this.. I do love him. He doesn't make me hurt as bad, just hurts I can't have him. He makes me see as much reason and logic as possible. He sets things in my head that click into places weeks or months later. And even though I can't have him, at least not right now.. I hope he's happy where ever he goes.