when i was married i never thought i was good enough .. i felt like i had to be a trophy wife .. my husband would always tell me about these girls hitting on him at work .. and i felt like i was competing against something i didnt even know .... how hard of a competition is that ???  i weighed about 78 lbs my first psych hospital trip ....  they made me gain weight before they would let me leave ... When i was younger ( even last yr ) i made a lot of bad choices .. due to lack of self esteem  see when  i was 17 i originally  did drugs and drank alot to cope with my esteem issues then i started hangin with a different crowd and  was hangin out with a bunch of older guys .. whom i would end up sleeping with ... so i came up with the conclusion in my head  " so this how you get love ??"  when i got in my first serious relationship ...  we were together for about three yrs .. after that ended i went right back to the same habits .. then i got pregnant and  then i met my husband  we were together for three yrs  and then   i left and started back on the same path ...  now since ive been rehabilitated and realize thats  not love ...  I ve come to the conclusion that  i need to leave everything to God .. and ya know what i feel alot better about myself .. i know that there is more to me than  sex .... im worth more than that .....   i dont like who i was ....  but i love who i became ... and i can ( almost ) forgive myself for my past self sabotaging actions ..  i really wish my family would have been more christian ... because maybe then i would have had some morals ..  but they never really had much to do with me ... when i was 14 i had attempted suicide ...  my counselor at school found out and wanted to call my mom ..  so i told her first , she told me i was stupid and should feel so lucky to be alive ... then instead of  getting  me in therapy of some sort they  gave me anything i wanted i came home when i wanted .. i went to school when i wanted . i stayed where i wanted ...   i should be happy with that cause i was spoiled ..  but  i really look back and wish they would have been more  active in my life ...  but i love who i am ...  i wouldnt change it for anything ...
starstruck2xtrme starstruck2xtrme
26-30, F
Feb 27, 2007