I did when I was young. Those "childhood" happy times.. I ended up hospitalized a few times and tried committing suicide multiple times. I tries to hurt myself and cut a line following the long vain on my left arm and still have the ling dark scar showing on it. I tried OD on two medicines I'd been taking for a few months.
Things had gotten so much better. I'm going to be moving out of state, ("leaving the past behind" my therapist says). And I want to. It's a beautiful place in the mountains with nicer crowds I've met. I'll be moving, having my own room, getting a job easily because my family has that connection.. And my meds have been working perfectly.
I've been in therapy for months now and with the meds. But even though I'm content and satisfied with what's going on lately, I still can't bring myself to feel like I "want" to be alive. I still think of suicide even though I feel alright now and have for a while.. I'm waiting to see if the distractions of life will take it out of me slowly, the many therapy sessions, volunteering, meds., and my want to help others will save me..
I want someone else to have my life so badly. To be so.. Blessed. Someone who needs the blessings I already have because maybe I just don't appreciate my life or am thankful for all that I do have even though I still struggle sometimes. But i know there are people who.. Actually need better in their lives. To live..
And here I am feeling guilty further because of my deep depressive dark wants of just... Leaving life myself. It's so hard for me. I try so hard to distract myself, help others, read the bible and pray (with my beliefs) ***sorry if you read this and dont like it because you're not religious*** I respect others' beliefs or non-religious others. Continuing: But no matter what I do.. I still have these feelings that draw me soo deeply to the kitchen kn!ves, the blades, the OD meds idea, the run into traffic... the rope.. just everything. Can anyone tell me if they got out of this? How it happened? Tips, ideas.. please.. im desperate and begging for my life every single day.
im scared i wont even make it past certain ages, late twenties if possible, thirties.. And Robin Williams, im scared ill end up like him after trying so hard in life..
anybody reading, please pray for me. (The person named Amanda writing this). Anything.. please. &thank you for passing the time to read this.
SubmissiveSecrets SubmissiveSecrets
22-25, F
5 Responses Aug 19, 2014

What can I say, I thought you might have some advice for me, I've been suicidal since I was 13 when my narcissist mother threw me away. I OD at 16 nearly died. Found God 1yr later so couldn't kill myself anymore and been struggling with the idea of living for what seems like forever. I can tell you this though for a few brief years I got to be the the person I always wanted to be and the urges stopped and I guess if life hadn't ****** me over agin then I guess I would have been cured. I had my 5 kids I loved being the mother I never had. I became a great wife even though my hubby was an idiot. I embraced my religion. All was well mentally. But then I had a car accident when I was 27 and let's just say my whole life went upside down from there. I couldn't be the person I wanted to be. The chronic pain changed my demeanour to one I despised. Now I hate who I have become and I can't comprehend how anyone could love who I am now even my children. The worst part is they don't even remember who I was and what I was like before da accident, so I ask myself what was the f'''ing point of all that when the **** I am now is all that they know. I no longer enjoy being a mother because of my pain and the person they see is one I hate. I wish I could accept myself the way I am but I can't and if I can't love this thing in the mirror then I can't see how anyone else can.
Anyway the point is YOU have a chance. Unfortunately I already had mine. I found my purpose and meaning but I lost it. And I don't know if I will ever find meaning in anything else.

Death seems an awfully permanent solution to temporary problems. You haven't always felt this way so yes it is a temporary problem. The people who love you will miss you. The people you've never met who you're suppose to touch, will go unchanged. The world will not be a better or poorer place. You will not be happy. You'll be dead.

Amanda, don't give up on life and yourself. You're precious. So many unfortunate things have happened to you but most importantly, You are still here. You have it in you to make it thru life. I pray for you and all the best to you.

Thanks Rex. U dont know how much this means to me.

If my words inspire you in the slightest, I would be happy.

stop that please, you deserve a butter life

thank you.. &sorry. I still try at least and look for help. but thanks so much for ur mssg. Means a lot to me

add me please, if you want to talking

Well looks like you are asking for help. I was going to ask if you had done research and know a method that will work.

But...

I hope you do find the light and can find some means of happiness in your life. Never know, might be later on today

thanks for ur mssg.. im glad tht sum1 read my post. Ur mssg is really hopeful. I can at least try to hope it'll be any day soon or even think of a possible today.. And i saw ur profile with just about 100 posts of depression.. im upset that you feel the same of wanting death. I would say im sorry bcuz i am, but u probably just get it a lot and not want "pity" as people say. But even tho idk you, i hope it somehow just goes away for you at least if i could and had to sacrifice my happiness for anyone. Love you man. :( good luck..

Thanks for those kind words. Thing is, I've been going thru hell since I was born.

I only as of late noticed that I'm a problem in this world, and no one likes problems.

I do think things for you can change. Maybe your be at work and someone special comes around. Or maybe you go for a walk and help a duck that broke its wing.

Where as with me... I'll snap, and have a panic attack. Than pass out only to wake up and find myself covered in my sweat and my cheek in a pool of tears...

The emotional pain of being discarded and used and abused, it just can't be suppressed any further.