An Open Letter For anyone who cares to know it all What is this dream, I wish to dream? This faded dream i can no longer envision. A dream of peace and tranquility. What is this dream, i wish to believe? This dream that lies deep withing my soul. Am i dreaming the wrong dream? Maybe, if I alter my fantasies, my dream will be more than just an empty dream. Prehaps if I share a piece of me , you, my readers can help me believe in this dream i wish to make a reality. My name is Malissa, and this is my life.

I often ask myself, " am i destined to follow in my mother's footsteps?" Why do i try so hard to supress my own pain, yet become so enraged when I hear the pain of others? I was considered the wayward of three. The youngest and only girl. I fought back and ran away. I attempted to end my life on many occasions , untill one day I realized , I just wasn't ment to die by my own hands.

From my brothers touching me, and me touching them. To my mother sneaking around with my brother's much older friend. He, who somehow gained the trust of my step-father. It wasn't long before he came fo me. A dollar here, a dollar there. " shhh just be quiet, just be still, don't tell anyone." So confident was he, that it did not matter who was home, there was always somewhere to hide this indecency. All so he can pull down my panties and kiss my soft spot. It wast long before my brother was hospitalized for touching another, much younger child that my mother often babysat. It is kind of ironic now that i think about it. We lived on home street, but it never felt like home. I was only 9, what did i know? I was left alone, inside myself. Was it my fault for not crying like a "normal" child should? It has haunted me ever since. I couldn't trust my mother, and i was too afraid to break my dad's heart. Not because of what was happening to me, but because my mother was cheating. I remember at some point, when i was much older, my brother told me i wanted it. I wanted to be touched. A little girl born a ****.
My mother suffers from skitzophrenia, which has been her go to card for as long as i can remember. Will she ever accept partial responsibility in the making of who i am today? I may never know, and no longer seek answers. With two brothers I could not trust and a mother battling her own demons, I had no one to defend me....but we always had animals. Natually, and still to this day, i turn to them. How do i go on when I am continuously told that I am in control and always have been? How do I go on hearing and reading the many theories of famous psychologist. The belief that those who experience trauma are destined to repeat that trauma through generations. If Sigmund Freud, so believed that "human behavior is based on Nature V.S Nurture, then I must assume responsibility if no on else will.

I have not lived my life, I have lived a lie. Trying so hard to keep myself from becoming my mother, when she herself did not know better. She has taught me nothing but resentment, hatred, and anger. She wasnt all bad, i guess. She also taught me to protect those who couldn't protect themselves; animals , children and elderly, but why was I not protected? I can not help but love all that surrounds me, even when it hurts me to do so.

Running to my father was no use. At the time he was nothing but an abusive drunk. At 13, i lost my virginity to my uncle. Adopted, and much younger than my other uncles, I guess it seemed okay . I remember the joy in his voice, commenting on how you could just feel the cherry pop. Another time, I remember my aunt calling from the floor below. I am alone. A sheet held over me tightly. I knew it wouldn't protect me. Next thing I knew, my uncle returned with my cousin. They are trying to pull the sheet off,but again she calls. As soon as they were gone, I ran to the next room, locked the door and again was under the boogeyman covers. How could I honestly trust anyone, when i couldnt even trust my own flesh and blood, even for the sake of illusion? Funny part is, I have trusted everyone. Believeing whole heartedly that for once , I will be proven wrong. That kindness and purity does exist.

Through my teens, I saw no option other then running away, slicing my rist and ******* the pain away. I became the cat. If I didn't want to be found, there wans't an army who could. Why I always came back, I may never know. I thought is was hope, that upon my return, things would have been different, but they always remained the same. At 15 I met a drug addicted man, recently released from the army. Coke became my friend, and from there I lost it all. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to sniff my life away. At 16, I wanted change, I didnt want to live anymore. Again I ran away , into the arms of Jose Mata. A fool who covinced me that his tarrot cards were true. My man was cheating and my family would never care. A man, with whom i will always be connected. The beginning of the end of my life. The beginning of H.I.V. I could never forget his room. Chains ment for me and pornographic photography I may never see again. 50 shades of grey, existed way before I even read the book at 23. Now I am older, and so is everyone else. The past forgotten. Many have moved on, lived there lives and made their families. who cares what happened, I am the ******* for bringing it to the surface. I have too. I am not seeking revenge. I dont care to be spiteful, I just no longer wish to carry this burden.

Just recently I terminated a year long relationship. So repulsed by all that is me, I could not love him. I don't want to be touched. Not down there, not anywhere, NOT ANYMORE.

I am afraid to die. Not because I want to live, but because, if by chance, my death is by a car or some bizzare accident, I will be just another image floating through the veins of youtube. An object for some to pity and others to express their cold and unknowing souls. Rescripted time and time again by assumptions that bare little to no truth of who I am or was. I do not want that. Neither would I want anyone to risk exposure themselves trying to revive me.

I ask myself today, am
I merely being fooled by these people who claim to embrace me. Or, am I the fool for ignoring the possibility of true greatness.
Condemning one another when we are faced with things we do not understand, yet having the audacity to protest when we are misunderstood.
It is time to end hypocracy. It is time to stop settling for less than what we deserve because we are told we deserve nothing at all. It is time to stand up and stand out. I was born in New York City. I am sick of tourist being fed a lie of the beatiful big apple. So much money spent on beautifying our land marks for outsiders, while those who reside here are forgotten and ignored. I am sick of hearing the negative feedback of the bronx, where junkies, drug dealers, and rats own the streets. Kids **** freely and everyone is an addict of some sort. I need a reason to believe that my effot to put forth my own embarressment and shame , will not be in vein. We can not allow our people to keep getting high, going to jail and spreading further turmoil. We can not keep investing in luxuries we can not afford, and complain when the dinner table is empty. We need to take our place as human beings, not a statistic, and not a burden. Education is where it begins. We need to give our children a reason to believe that there is something much greater in value than hanging in the street, with people who do not care for their well being. That sex means nothing if you can not truely enjoy it, but indulge because it is the only thing you know. Lets teach adults that it is not okay to enable such negative behavior because they themselves have given up true ambition. We need to teach our children about pride, compassion, structure , and stability. They need to know about the tranquility of owning ones own home and property. Earning it, and deserving it. A luxury that if aquired through determination, can not be taken away. IT is all yours for the keeping. Lets teach them to overpower deprivation and strive for greatness. I want to eradicate the helplessness that plagues the souls of many. Then we can talk about AIDS. I have been positive since 2006, and although I may have been slightly informed, having been raised by an ex-heroin addict, I was not properly prepared. I was taught to embrace the worse because the best was no longer possible. I have learned that this is not true. Sometimes all we need is a little inspiration and SELF determination . We need to learn to listen to our souls, nothing else. To journey deep into our subconscience minds and decide once and for all who we want to be, not who we feel we are forced to become.
An era so focused on social media, luxury, fashion popularity and greed, that many may have denied any if not all responsibilty to our bretheren. Many have lost their compassion for one another in the light of entertainment. It may seem demeaning of me to use the term "we", but it is the only logical explanation, as to why H.I.V has come so far. Yes , there is new technology and medicine but if people were taught to be truely honest and accepting of one another, could we not , have stopped this desease a long time ago? We need to stop trying to erase the mistakes of mankind, and stop it in its tracks today

This has become a world of repitition. No wonder so many, choose to confrm to the now. Incapable of moving on, many are unable to truely evolve. We must help them! As a child I was told that "people believe they are immune to what others are exposed to". I do not believe this to be true. I believe , it is the idea that, no matter what we do, something will always happen beyond our control, so what is the point in fighting?
Trapped in a world of dispair, it is ,again, that helplessnes we need to adress if we truely wish to triumpth over, not only HIV but all illnesses , mentally, physically, and spritually.
Here is my proposal. I willingly expose myself to the world. I am proof. We are all proof, that we do, in fact, have the power to overcome any and everything that threatens our own existence and sanity.
I do not care, to carress the human mind. Nor do I intend to alliviate the reality of my past, present or future. I plan to face it head on. Prehaps, this is why I am unable to co-exist with others. I am moving past discontentment. Not ignoring it's value, but not dwelling in it either. Observing from a far, rather then subcomming to helpleessness. I welcome change. I know no other comfort. I welcome evolution. I even welcome procrastination, but there must ALWAYS be a return and concour point. I am eliminating bad habits and denouncing my attachment to them completely. Well at least ,
I am trying. I will not smoke when the smell turns my nostrils and taints my breath. I will not drink in an attempt to defuse my reality. I will not get angry and exhaust myself with pety disputes that do not impact my ambition or enthusiasm.
For once , i would like to conclude my day with absolute peace of mind and clarity. To know this was not a day waisted, or intruded upon my existence. To know that I have made one small move that will aid me in concouring this game of chest starring
Malissa Ann Vazquez. Each move determines my kings future and the sanity of my queendome. I will no longer be outwitted by m y impulse and desire. I can not painic over the illusion of a mate in check. I will proclaim victory.

I give some of my appreciation to my cousin Renaldo Lorenzi who visited my motherz's home when I was only 16. He came with tales and tales of the powers that be and the spirits within our bloodline. I didnt know him then so I simply listened while he spoke with my mother. His aquaintaence left me with so many questions that upon his diparture, I spent months and years trying to track him down, thus leading me to journey to kansas. I was to be his misses pepper pot since he so believed he was his own Tony Stark. Micheal reenarnated blah blah blah. I ate it. I believed he had the answers to help me understand myself. Again abandoned by my brother who was suppose to meet me there, I was trapped with no where to run. Before I even made it to my destination, I was forced to stop in st Luis. You see, i wasn't alone at first. I was with someone I thought i loved, who agreed to journey with me to find this long lost relative of mine. Upon caliing Lorreni to inform him of our where about, he told me my companion was not welcome . Stupid me traveled with the many books I wanted to read. I sold everything right there at the terminal. I was not going to leave him behind. So, with that money we bought two amtrack tickets to Fulton kentucky. Long story short; incapacitated between a corn field and trailor house, my companion and I were no longer united. I recoverd and kept pushing forward. Eventually I made it to kansas city, and of course to Reinadlo.

When I no longer wished to play 'my part' and demanded he send me home. Things began to erupt. We faught and he gave me an option. I could walk out or assume my position. I no longer wanted to believe his words. So quick was he to disclose my status so that no one else woul attempt to woo me. I was only for him to **** .so I chose to walk. I remember it like it was yesterday . 11pm and here i go. In flip flops to no where. For hours I walked, till I could walk no more. Its funny actually. I sat right down down in front of a police head quarters. But what could I have said? Eventually I was offered a ride home by yet another kind soul in this world of misery. A guy whom I eventually slept with, (protected!), all because i didnt want to talk. Well anyway. That afternoon I returned to find out that, that same night, the house in which my cousin so claimed to be his own, was raided, and he was arrested. It is times like these that remind me that everything happens for a reason. The actual owners did not want me there, I was a burden. I was allowed to stay, and when he was finally released, He had the nerve to drop me of at a salvation army place where of course I was ignored. But you see , nothing last forever, because I was taken in by two souls who were willing to help me. I wasnt honest at first, and it took Lorenzi's friend Jamaica James to go around to each and every neighbor and inform them of my diagnoses for me to confess. He tried to ***** me of any chance of recieving help. He tried to break me, and almost succeded. Lorenzi, so consumed with fear of his own, truely believed I had any interest at all in running to the family and exposing his true nature. I did not care then and I do not care now, I just wanted to come home. Those people who let me in, tried so greatly to help me, and I failed them miserably. Trying to escape because I had no place of my own anymore. Even trying to find love with an innocent skatrerboy I did not know and who didnt know me. Trying to overdose on pills all because I just wanted to die. Long story short I made it back home.

My whole point is that no matter what happens, you must be willing to acknowledge the good, just as much as the bad. A part of me was broken, but a part of me wants to go back and enjoy the country side breeze that I was forced to walk away from. A part of me only remembers the happiness I felt when I slept in the trees and played with dogs that weren't my own. Even my long walk from Fulton kentucky to where ever the hell it was we went, with my original companion was and adventure in itself. Live stock and endless trees. Horses and crops. It was the nature I craved so much.

I tend to give criticism just as strongly as I wish to recieve it. For the exact same reason I need and crave it, to evolve. I now understand that I can not make people change. What I can do , is expose them to options, but I must , first, have options of my own. I must also learn to be patient with those who are not yet ready. I am not a smart *** individual who claims to know it all. I am a proggresing individual who wishes to spead hope, even if it means I must sacrifice the comfort of social companionship. I am here to work and I will play once my job is completed. Today, we are going to talk about recovery . Recovery from trauma, pain, stigma , deprivation and disparities. We are going to take back our lives and reject the idea of fear. We are the saviors of our present and future youth and we will settle no more. For those I have hurt, I do not apologize or beg your forgiveness. I have been WRONGED by so many but it was never a valid exuse to wrong others. I accept responsibilty and I will hide NOMORE!
notherenotanywhere notherenotanywhere
26-30
Aug 20, 2014