Nobody Knows...

I have always known for as long as I can remember that I have been attracted to girls. Actually, to be honest, it has been much for than an attraction; more like, I've been destined to be with a woman. However, like most young people with families who think the worst about gays and lesbians, I programmed myself to want to be with men instead. It just never felt right to me though but even after literally forcing myself to refrain from wanting or being with women, I had to go on with my life as my family and friends had expected me to.

So this worked for a few years and when I was 22, I had my first experience with a female and that is when I realized that THAT was where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do and with whom; a woman. Again, I was afraid to tell friends and family so I kept my secret, even longer while still trying to maintain the appearance that I was happy with men. Then it happened, I had a child, when my life's plan up until then was that I would not have children - ever. Things happen though and plans change, I had a son and then it was like I was doomed to forever be unhappy both sexually and emotionally because now the thing I am expected to do was cemented and it seemed that I could not change it.

I have had girlfriends and fell super hard for two women (separately, of course) When I went out with Mer, we completely and totally meshed and our friends, just the whole lifestyle was where I felt the most happy, accepted and at home. Sadly though, Mer and I didn't work out and it broke my heart. I think of her often and wonder what if...

Fast forward 15 years, I am now married, have been for 6 years, with another child who's 3. I am completely unhappy and now stuck because I want women...or A woman rather. I have no sex life because I don't want him, like that. I think about being with a woman every day of my life. For years, the only way I could have sex with a man was if I was drunk, now I can't get drunk enough. (I don't drink too often anyway)

I have this plan to live unhappily until my son graduates and then live the life I was meant to live. 3 more years before he graduates from high school.

What to do...
MercedezLL MercedezLL
36-40, F
Jan 23, 2013