A Judge Once Said....

"When you find yourself in a hole, put down the shovel and find a way out." This doesn't apply to everyone who finds themselves in a hole. But it sure applied to the person this judge was convicting and it applies to me now. I find myself unhappy these days. Unhappy, alone and broke. Not all of my choices have led me to this point, but I'd say a good 95 percent of my problems I did to myself. So I find myself in a hole, and instead of putting the shovel down, I begin to build a casket around myself. A few months ago I had a home, a car, a family, friends, a job I loved, a future, and I was happy. Now I have none of these things. I see the people around me and where they are in life. Thats not what I want but its where I'm heading. Today I find myself sober for once and my mind is clear and I think that finally I'm ready to put the shovel down and begin the hard, painful climb out of the hole I've been digging for months now. I'm sick of life not having a purpose and every day being being one day closer to the day I die. I miss when life had color and purpose. I remember when I was a little girl I imagined myself at the age I'm at now. The way I imagined myself then is at the total opposite end of the spectrum compared to where I'm at now. Upon realizing this there's so many questions that run through my mind. How do I fix it? Where do I go? When do I start? Who do I ask for help? What about when the drugs come knocking on the door? What am I supposed to do when climbing out of that hole becomes too hard? There's so many different answers that come to mind but which one is the right one? I've thought of this before and yet I sit where I'm at not doing anything because I was given the oppurtunity  to choose for myself where my life will end up and I ****** it all off bad. Like a brick wall this stops me dead in my tracks. I used to be strong and there was a day when nothing would stop me from getting what I wanted. Now here I am wanting a chance at life but too scared to go get it. So the biggest question I have for myself now is,  how far gone is the real you? Can the outter shell of the real you be strong enough to revitalize whats really there? I guess we'll find out.
wonkey wonkey
18-21, F
6 Responses Jul 14, 2010

Well Im 28 and I'm pretty much in the same boat. Just a year ago, i would've called you a quitter. Lol. I have 1 month clean. Life sucks. But at least I'm alive.

and it makes you say **** like "lifes notebook" just dont be doin dope you'll be okay

Yeah dear you should definately print this off and read it before you decide lifes better alone broke and meaningless. Cuze its notebook

"how far gone is the real you?" Love the question. Wish I knew the answer for myself as well. Reminds me of the Alice n chains song "Down in a hole" youtube it if you don't know it.

i'm pretty much in the same boat. maybe we can communicate

You can do it. Seek out help for substance abusers. It exists in most communities. You can change your life. You've taken the first step. Don't stop now. Good luck and God speed you to your recovery.