Feeling Alone...Today is April 6, 2012. Everything that i've done in the last month has involved a form of stress. A version of hurting. A new ache. I have a wonderful boyfriend and our one month is tomorrow. He makes me so happy, and i don't think he realizes how much he really does. But even being happy for awhile doesn't make the hurting go away. I still feel like crying. Like giving up. I know now that i'm needed in peoples lives. But i mean, would they really miss me if i were gone? I still have no answer to that question. I go through everything, and i do mean everything, alone. I don't let anyone in because all it does is causes someone to get hurt. I don't want that. I am tired of being the reason that someone elses' life is messed up. Bottling everything up is the only thing that has gotten me through the years of feeling like a mess up. If i just act like i'm fine, then no one worries. But i just don't want to do this anymore. I want someone to open up to. But i don't trust easy. After all, the last man i trusted hurt me so bad that now i hurt myself to feel in control of things. Can i trust someone so fully, without being scared? Without getting hurt? I am just so sick of this never ending feeling of feeling alone. I want to be happy again. I just am not sure how. My boyfriend is the first person to ever show that he really doesn't want me hurting myself anymore. I mean, yes i know everyone else cares (or claims to), but he is the first to ever take something away from me. He went through my bag and took my pocket knife that i had with me at school. I used it to cut in class, i told him that i did and he took it from me that i've used to harm myself. He threw it in my yard, and its still there. I haven't touched it. Nor will i. He showed me that he didn't want me to cut myself when he took it away. I don't know why he would care about me. I'm just some stupid girl that hurts so much on the inside. I'm "damaged goods". I constantly doubt myself. i don't know anymore. Half the time that i cut now, i hurt, but i just don't know what is wrong anymore. I'm lost. Confused. Scared. How do i get away from this feeling? I don't know, but i'm tired of this crap.....I'm tired of being tired all the time from the depression. Maybe if i can be happy again then i won't feel the need to hurt myself. Is it even possible for me to be happy again? I'm not sure. But i want to find out. Feeling alone has done nothing for me. I cut, hopefully, for the last time March 30, 2012. It was the third time i've taken a lead pencil to my skin... It will heal. Maybe scar. Buts thats just part of the whole cutting thing. You can't have cuts, without the scars later on. Or maybe i just can't. But i intend March 30th's cut to be the last.
weepingblood21 18-21, F 1 Response 0 Apr 6, 2012