Feeling Alone...

Today is April 6, 2012. Everything that i've done in the last month has involved a form of stress. A version of hurting. A new ache. I have a wonderful boyfriend and our one month is tomorrow. He makes me so happy, and i don't think he realizes how much he really does. But even being happy for awhile doesn't make the hurting go away. I still feel like crying. Like giving up. I know now that i'm needed in peoples lives. But i mean, would they really miss me if i were gone? I still have no answer to that question. I go through everything, and i do mean everything, alone. I don't let anyone in because all it does is causes someone to get hurt. I don't want that. I am tired of being the reason that someone elses' life is messed up. Bottling everything up is the only thing that has gotten me through the years of feeling like a mess up. If i just act like i'm fine, then no one worries. But i just don't want to do this anymore. I want someone to open up to. But i don't trust easy. After all, the last man i trusted hurt me so bad that now i hurt myself to feel in control of things. Can i trust someone so fully, without being scared? Without getting hurt? I am just so sick of this never ending feeling of feeling alone. I want to be happy again. I just am not sure how. My boyfriend is the first person to ever show that he really doesn't want me hurting myself anymore. I mean, yes i know everyone else cares (or claims to), but he is the first to ever take something away from me. He went through my bag and took my pocket knife that i had with me at school. I used it to cut in class, i told him that i did and he took it from me that i've used to harm myself. He threw it in my yard, and its still there. I haven't touched it. Nor will i. He showed me that he didn't want me to cut myself when he took it away. I don't know why he would care about me. I'm just some stupid girl that hurts so much on the inside. I'm "damaged goods". I constantly doubt myself. i don't know anymore. Half the time that i cut now, i hurt, but i just don't know what is wrong anymore. I'm lost. Confused. Scared. How do i get away from this feeling? I don't know, but i'm tired of this crap.....I'm tired of being tired all the time from the depression. Maybe if i can be happy again then i won't feel the need to hurt myself. Is it even possible for me to be happy again? I'm not sure. But i want to find out. Feeling alone has done nothing for me. I cut, hopefully, for the last time March 30, 2012. It was the third time i've taken a lead pencil to my skin... It will heal. Maybe scar. Buts thats just part of the whole cutting thing. You can't have cuts, without the scars later on. Or maybe i just can't. But i intend March 30th's cut to be the last.
weepingblood21 weepingblood21
18-21, F
1 Response Apr 6, 2012

The only way you can experience happiness is to let someone in. You have bottled up a lot of things on the inside and they are beginning to show in your life (the scars from the cuts). If you don't open up to someone, you wont heal and if you don't heal, you'll have temporary happiness.<br />
Besides, everyone hurts...one way or another. Take the risk...don't let the fear of being hurt again prevent you from loving or living...(my advice is that you shouldn't let your happiness depend on people because people are humans and all humans have flaws).

I agree.. please take it easy.. Hope things will be okay soon.