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Trying to Figure It Out...

There is a story here on EP ... a very popular story actually that has been sticking in my craw pretty much since I have been a member here.

I stayed out of it until just the other day when I just couldnt resist.

I have tried asking the author respectfully submitted questions as to where and from what experiences they have based what I feel is such an inflamitory and attacking story.

Those...were simply ignored.

 Update:  2/15/08

As promised here is my personal take on the "10 things"...I would love to hear others thoughts and opinions....this is an expression of my own opinion based on my life and my experiences.

 

1. You have a short sensible haircut. -> you gave up on taking care of your hair because it's just to hard. Your husband views this as living with another man. Real attractive.

I would say that both husband and wife should have hairstyles that are best for them. Not everyone looks their best with long hair…visa versa.

 2. The moment your man comes home you dump all your problems and what's going on at work , home , kids whatever. -> Your man equates this as pure stress. He needs to depressurize before you do all this. And he really doesn't care about all these people he never met or has limited interaction and what's going on with their lives.

Spouses should share with each other their hurts, their joys and everything in between. Care should be given to finding the best times to do this. And yes that isn’t likely the minute he walks in the door. Unless of course the pipes under the kitchen sink just burst and water is flooding the floor…

3. You think he needs to be nice to you all week, do everything without asking him to, romance you...blah blah before you can get physical with him. -> Truth a man just needs for you to say lets go. If you wait for all the stars to align ...well you never have sex.

Men need sex…women need romance and sex. Generalization obviously but pretty accurate one I believe. Gentlemen be loving to your wives…its called foreplay in our hearts. Wives when things get wild and you have been fighting all week. Maybe you both need some fun in the sheets time to reset the game. Find what works for you and yours in the relationship…we are all just a bit different.

4. You will never ever, consider, giving him oral, anal or any other weird perversion.-> Everybody is different, but you should at least see what he wants and try to accommodate otherwise, he will get bored, look at the grass is greener else where. To much media to blame.

Yes I feel both parties should “stretch” and compromise when possible. Within reason…and responsibility to each others feelings. Don’t run with the word stretch people…you know what I mean…LOL

5. Your daily list of things to do is so big and constanly growing. When eas the last time your man appeared on the top of the list, hey when did he appear at all on the list.

 I think this is more about priorities than “lists”…I do understand and agree with the theme. The housework will always be there..he may not. My Mom told me that long ago and do believe she is right.  

 6. You critique his grammar. OK just joking on that one.

No comment needed…

7. You don't take care of yourself

Both spouses should take care of themselves. Hygiene and manners folks.

 8. You don't say thank you, often

Everyone should say this more often.. see manners above..:)

9. You don't keep the romance alive When was the last time you planned a romantic interlude with your husband? If you can't remember, you're way overdue. Be affectionate, write love notes, give him a backrub, plan a date, and initiate sexual play. Remind him that you still find him attractive.

This very much applies to both spouses… Life has a way of getting the better of us all…finding time for romance is defiantly a challenge but one worth undertaking.

10. You don't let him have "guy time"

Both need separate time…separate interests. If your lives are so intertwined that there ceases to be a you…then  there will likely be problems. Its not a matter of two halvess becoming a whole…it’s a matter of two complete individuals joining together as a team.

11. You don't make your husband a priority

See # 5 above

12. Don't make him guess—tell him what you want It's easy to assume that the person who lives with you every day also knows you well enough to know what you want. Not true. Most of us view the world through our own needs and desires, so don't be surprised if your husband thinks that what you want is what he would want. If you want something specific—advice, a hug, or a red sweater for your birthday—let him know.

I agree…making either spouse guess is setting yourself up for disappointment. I would like to add though that we all love surprises. Try on occasion to do something out of the blue…surprise your spouse with a gift or a gesture you think they would enjoy. Surprise is always nice….:)

13. Believe in your husband, and let him know it

 Agree!...men also believe in your wives and let them know it.

14. You don't ask for sex

Just being “willing” isn’t always enough. Spouses need to feel that you are attracted to them and that you desire them. Both in a marriage need to pay attention to each other’s love language. If you don’t know what that is…ask them what things make them feel loved.  

 

These are my opinions folks…based on my personal experiences in life. Everyone is different and I am open and interested to hear what works for you…or what doesn’t…J  

Lexus Lexus 36-40, F 115 Responses Feb 14, 2008

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kind of seems to me ,, you are right on point. a lot can be wrapped up in communicating with each other.. i thought it a good read

Thanks RDW....it seems the issue is resolved...

I don't mean at all to keep the fire going, it's just that I have for so long wanted to say something about the post in question but not felt comfortable enough, I realise now I am not alone in my thoughts.<br />
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When I read it I was gob-smacked that someone would, who self-admittedly sleeps with married men, give such one sided advice to women who are all ready in pain.<br />
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Lexus I want to commend you for your story because I think it is a positive step to show women in sexless marriages that 1. It isn't all their fault. 2. that there is actual good advice available.<br />
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I am going to end this here because I want to, for once, keep the claws away. <br />
- RDW

Ok...now I am in a spot. Several angry PM's not wanting thier comments deleted...and one very nice request that I not delete thier comment.<br />
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So...folks...police yourselves. Delete or not delete your comments within this story as you see fit..<br />
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{{Hugs to All}}

this will be my last post here...i'm just going to comment to maplemans statement--'but if a man said the same things, I think you'd brush him off as a sexist AH and probably joke back with him and put him in his place.'<br />
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dont you get it...girlpower basically said the same things a man would say....the gender still didnt matter. the advice was vaque, harsh, and immature......

I am going through and deleting the "not so nice comments". I am not going to have time to finish this until later. If any of you who have commented care to go through and delete those you made that you think might fit the "not so nice" description please do so.<br />
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Otherwise I will finish doing that sometime later today or tonight...

ok folks...here is what I am going to do.<br />
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I was upset...and I was angry...<br />
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I believe I went about this all wrong...<br />
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I am going to take my list of things from this story and re-work them as thier own stand alone piece. <br />
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I will post them sometime today in the "I live in a Sexless Marriage" group.<br />
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Parts of this thread have contained great conversations concerning those points...I certainly hope we can move those types of conversations over to the new post and skip all the personal attacking.<br />
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I am either going to delete the entire story later today or just remove all of our "not so nice comments" leaving the quality discussion on the topic in place.<br />
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Thank you to all my friends for your support...

hi lexus, just read your story. I think your right on the mark. Sometimes I feel that I don't want to ask him because he says nothing. I know that when a man doesn't want to talk it mainly means one thing. and that is they will keep it way deep down inside until they develop prostate cancer. maybe one day men will learn.

mapleman - I think we may just ahve to agree to disagree - as we have done on other occasions LOL!<br />
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I want to say thank you though for not holding my opinions against me, your a great friend. I think the fact that we can disagree about many things and still be respectful of each others views makes our friendship stronger :)

Lexie, your story is much more informational that GP's ... thanks for that!! I agree with you!

I don't think your wording is too strong :)<br />
Like I say I can see your point. <br />
Have you read her comments in the forums? <br />
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Thing is, she goes on about how if your not keeping your man satisfied she will sleep with them and blah blah blah.......... it's not nice! She has posted there repeatedly even when she knew what she was saying hurt people, why? I don't get it. Why does she feel she is an expert in this area? What qualifies her? Why does she feel she knows more about living in a sexless marraige than the women who are living in them? Why chose that group to write a story about loving sleeping with married men?? it's insensitive, really. I wouldn't go into a group that said I lost someone to suicide and then write a story about how great suicide is - it's hurtful and disrespectful :~(

Mapleman - I'm sorry if you find our comments to be of a bit of a mob mentality - I can see where your coming from. Think about this though - GirlPower has repeatedly hurt people with her comments, people who are already hurt and are seeking advice and help. She shouldn't be allowed to hurt these people more than they are hurt. As women we should be standing side by side, helping each other, actually as human beings it's what we should be doing. At least Lexus' story is uniting women, bringing this issue up can only be helpful to those who have been hurt by this persons "advice". Lots of people have been hurt by her and have felt they couldn't speak out about it, thats not fair. Yes - we are all entitled to our opinions but we are not entitled to cruelly attack and hurt already very vunerable people. I personally wouldn't care if EP kicked me offf this site for my comments - I mean that, the woman is a nasty piece of work and my opinion is my opinion. Please bear in mind she attacked first. Maybe it is wrong to retaliate but I'm looking out for my friends on here and I'm looking out for all the women who may have been hurt by her. <br />
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Mapleman - I really hope that although we have different opinions about this that we can still be friends. I wouldn't want to lose a good friend over this.....

unrulywoman, i cannot believe she would say that....that is so rude... there are emotions involved within a sexless marriage....its not just physical [or atleast thats what i would think]<br />
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'Because most guys would hump a hole in the ground surrounded by roaches.'<br />
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perhaps this is a metaphor....a description of her own hole...... [i'm usually not personally rude, but i just dont like women like her]

So am I...:)

It is an up and down cycle. I get ready to leave and then someone will bring me back up and remind me of the good I have received here. I am glad you were able to encourage her to stay.

Just yesterday I think it was or perhaps the day before I got a message from a fairly new member of Ep...ready to leave...someone had made a comment to them that was just more than they could handle...<br />
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I encouraged her to stay...not to let one bad experience alter her entire view of Ep....<br />
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She is still here....:)

I removed myself from that group because of people like her. It is not a supporting environment and although she is young, she should know better. Her original story was not bad until she started with the caustic remarks.

I saw that earlier...someone pointed it out to me...<br />
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All I can say is...<br />
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I'm sorry to all the people that must have hurt...

exactly.....shes an idiot....the sh-t she spouts out in those groups isnt helpful at all......shes an attention seeker.....and woman who seek attention in that way, i will just never understand....and people who pretend to be helpful when they really have their own agendas, i also dont understand......

did you read her other story in that group

'"kisses to all of you lovely ladies. guys I know why you don't want to sleep with them"'<br />
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whats dumb about that comment is not all the woman commenting are in sexless marriages...and we know that what she is saying is not helpful....because those arent the reasons why we are still in sex filled marriages...<br />
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'overall, i understand where GP's coming from.'<br />
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i dont. shes putting down woman who are already feeling low.....theres nothing understandable about that. and her approach is wrong....her advice immature....and her attitude...whorey<br />
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and thats just my opinion....and everyone knows how un-uptight i am

counting asterisks....LOL

not sure if that is possible...but not a bad idea....

Maybe she can move the whole thing into another experience group.

Of course, she has freedom of speech, but that doesn't make it any less reprehensible for her to go into a sexless marriage forum and exploit the pain of vulnerable people in order to advance her celebrity. Yuck.

don' forget beer...LOL

...am all for freedom of speech...the advice can be taken or ignored by all who read...same as with my version.<br />
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My only request is that the "what feels like an attack" type comments be toned down...<br />
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JMHO

Kids walking in on you....now THAT brings back some memories...LOL

great posts since i was here last. got a laugh out of tink365 post, solving the world issues with a great BJ. ROFLMBO<br />
milfy so many stresses can have an impact on our relationships in the bedroom. When we first have kids it is an issue (worried about making noise, them walking in on you). Sex becomes less spontaneous. It sounds like you two have a lot going on now. If you know he really loves you, try to be patient and work with him on the issue. Be open and honest with how you are feeling. If he doesn't support you there may be other issues that you need to get to the bottom of.