I Now Remember Why I Was Afraid to Give My Love to Someone
... than to have never known love ? The age-old question. Right now I have to say No. My beloved of two years ended our relationship 4 months ago, and I'm still having a hellish time trying to get over it. I am 47 years old and have been married twice... but I have never grieved over the end of a relationship like this. I hate feeling so weak and pathetic... although I know what I'm feeling is just "human".
And the thing is, I WAS afraid to love him in the beginning. I had never felt that strongly about anyone... my usual hardass attitude just dissolved away... and it was a deeply scary thing. And now it seems I was right to fear. And I wonder if I'll ever have the courage to love again. Yeah, I know I'll be happy with someone else, sometime in the future... but there are things that change you forever, and I know this is one of them.
Right now I am so lonely... but even if Mr. Right showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn't want to open the door. For the obvious reason... fear of being hurt again... but also because I feel it would be unfair to get involved with someone and inflict all my grief and fear on them. I totally hate to imagine myself as the kind of person who goes on dates and whines about their ex the whole time. The whole "dating" thing is weird enough as it is, since I've never really done it in the tradtional sene. No, I honestly don't think I have much to offer anyone right now. So I'll wait, and learn, and grow stronger. Again.
