My Big MistakesMistakes I've made
How can I say this without sounding like I recent myself? I don't know why I'm saying that, I do recent myself. Anyway 11 months ago I made and incredibly ludicrous decision which will affect my life forever.
Where shall I start?
I was in a 7 year marriage to a super guy. I was with him for 12 years in total and we had two amazing little boys (twins) together. They are 5 now and are so special and heart warming.
I am a successful legal secretary and my husband is a chartered surveyor. We had a very good income and always were comfortable financially. Never rich but very comfortable and could afford the nice things in life providing we weren't extravagant!
When my hubby and I first got together everything was great. We socialised so much and had a wonderful group of friends and both had incredible loving and supportive families. Our relationship just went from strength to strength with every new phase of our life. We bought a house together and moved right in. Coming home from a hard days work was always exciting just because I knew I would see him and he would make me laugh and give me hug and affection. We got engaged and then shortly after married. The day had it's hiccups but really was the best day of my life (until the twins were born).
Our relationship was so tight. We loved, cared and really trusted each other. My husband seemed perfect in every way. I wanted him to romance me more and frequently told him so but little ever changed. I loved him so much though I accepted (most of the time) that was the way it was. No relationship is perfect after all and we had a very strong relationship anyway.
Then I fell pregnant which was an exciting but daunting time. Don't get me wrong it was planned but we had such a fantastic life and we both knew that phase of our life was gone once we became parents. I thought I was prepared for it but looking back I guess I wasn't.
When the boys were born I was so happy and I could see my hubby was too (he could wait to take them to the stomp to see the Quins play every week). We were both scared but knew we would come through it together.
I was planning to stay off work as long as we could afford as bringing up the boys myself was my new main goal in life. Hubby had to work to keep paying the bills and I never expected that to be any different. After a few months or so, I started to notice that my hubby didn't seem to be enjoying the dad bit as much as he thought. Having twins was never going to be easier and he struggled coping mentally I think. The endless sleepless nights don't help and then going to work, coming home and starting the cycle again was tough. Even though we had magnificent family and friends I started to feel alone. For the first time my hubby and I started to disagree on things. Mainly about the boys but on general issues too. I think we both found this difficult (the disagreements) as we had always been tight and never argued.
I guess this was probably the start of the decline in our relationship :(
As time went by we were drifting aimlessly apart and neither of us noticed or did anything about it. Not intentionally but because we were both struggling with looking after the boys let alone looking after each other.
We still went out socialising occasionally but separately as the other half would stay in to look after our boys. Normal I guess but we didn't put aside 'us time' which was another mistake.
I had returned to work at this point which I was happy with. It gave me a release from being a mummy 24/7. My self esteem was at an all time low and work gave me the escapism I needed. I have always enjoyed work and have ambitions for my career. Going back to work felt normal. We would still have family time at the weekends which I always looked forward to.
Up to this point we made many mistakes. None of them were catastrophic but they were mistakes.
Then the start of our big problems crept in. I started to develop feelings for a colleague at work. I say a colleague, he was actually a manager at the conveyancing company we used who were on the floor below in the same building. I often worked with him (I'll call him Jim) and we always had a little flirt with each other but nothing that I wouldn't say to anyone else. I always found him attractive from the first time I meet him. don't get me wrong, I have fancied other people but Jim was the first one I thought phoarrrrrr I really fancy him and sometimes let me mind drift! This wasn't a problem as we were both happily married and I had two lovely boys always on my mind so I knew these thoughts were safe.
However, as time went by we would often see each other socially during his companies social events to which we were invited (Corporate hospitality they call it!). We normally ended up chatting with a group of us but I would catch him holding my eye contact a little longer than normal. I thought it was strange at first but from the second time onwards it started to give me butterflies in my tummy and I will say happily that it was a super feeling. Feelings I hadn't had in so long and one that I was probably longing for. We would chat more and more at work and then on one night out when we found ourselves alone in told me how special he thought I was and that he found me incredible attractive. I could have passed out there and then (looking back that would have be best). Instead I simply returned the thoughts. The night ended and I thought sh1t, what happens now. I tried to forget about it over the next week but couldn't. We found ourselves engineering time together, I was hooked. One day (a Thursday as I remember it was before hubbys birthday) we arranged to finish early and meet for a drink and a chat. We ended up driving to a quiet place and kissed and hugged. We didn't have sex but our hands were all over the place for quite a while.
I knew this was wrong and tried to stop it progressing further but I was helpless. Looking back I don't think he wanted to stop. He said he would happily leave his wife for me as they argued so much and were close to the end anyway. He said meeting me was just a massive bonus. For the first time I started to think about leaving my hubby. How could I think that as my hubby was an amazing person too and someone who I always loved. Our sex life had become non existent and was never mind blowing (good but not great) but we loved each other even through our neglect of each other. I also couldn't take the boys away from him either. I was never going to leave him and it was a ludicrous thought.
However the more I talked to Jim the more emotionally connected with him I became. He was giving me every single thing that I was craving in my marriage and that I wasn't getting. I was overwhelmed with the thoughts that he the one and perfect man I was after. I felt like I wasn't prepared to settle for something I wasn't happy with. He show me flaws in my marriage.
Then one night I snapped and did it. I told hubby I want a divorce as our marriage had disintegrated to nothing more than friendship. My husband was devastated. I hated doing it to him but the pull of Jim and the way I felt in his company was to to strong.
My husband was in a spin and begged for a second chance pleading that he will change. I just couldn't agree. We began to argue which pushed me away more. The more he begged the more I pushed him away. Why would I want to stay with someone like that when I had Jim waiting for me? We could never repair our marriage. It was way too damaged before I decided to leave and is even more damaged after the hurtful words.
After a few weeks I asked my hubby to move out to which he reluctantly agreed and moved to a friends. He said he stills wanted to save our marriage.
By this time all of our friends and family knew. They all thought I was the wicked witch for doing such a terrible thing. Splitting up with my husband for someone I didn't know. How dare they really, I knew Jim so well and they didn't know him at all. He was perfect for me and will make me very happy. I was so protective of my Jim! My hubby will get over it eventually and I felt like I was doing him a favour as he deserved someone who could love him when I felt I no longer could. I fell out with friends and family but had the support of my mum. She didn't fully agree but was there for me still. It was the second point in my life were I felt lonely but I had Jim to fill that void. The more people I fell out with the closer to Jim I became as he was unbelievable supportive and understanding. We had leaving our spouses in common for a start. I couldn't wait to hear from him and see him the whole time. We started to meet socially and started to go to lunch together regularly during work time. I still had my mummy duties to do so lunchtime was the best time to get us time. We found ourselves going to different restaurant so that we wouldn't bump into people we knew as we both felt terribly guilty. We could chat for ever. He was the one and boy I couldn't wait to get between the sheets with him. It was driving me wild which was a new experience.
This all continued for a while and then the moment came. We both knew we wanted it so badly and booked a hotel for the night when my hubby had the boys. It was a great night and we had sex. It was great. Not quite like I imagined but was very good.
At this time my hubby still wanted us to get back together and said he wants us to consider a trial of getting back together. I didn't want this. Why would I when everything with Jim was perfect.
All my spare time when I didn't have the boys was spent either being with, talking too or sms messaging Jim. I had everyday at work to see him too and we continued our lunch time dates. It really became a great social romance. It felt like he whisked my off my feet and was so supportive when my closest family and friend weren't. We were only getting closer.
I started to make new friends at work and social and gradually I found a new support from them. My relationship with Jim was strong. My hubby appeared to be moving on gradually. Everything started to feel more normal again. I was happy and so please I made the decisions I did.
One thing had started to change though. I started to compare Jim to my hubby more and more. The things I loved in my hubby were flaws in Jim. I wasn't doubting Jim but just comparing him.
I could see my hubby moving on with his life and I was so pleased for him. I still loved him dearly but he couldn't offer everything I wanted like Jim.
Because I had found new support and friends and as my family came around I didn't need Jim to support me quite so much. This I believe was the start of my regret. Don't get me wrong everything was still great but other than physical and big draw to Jim was him meeting my emotional needs. I was drawn to him so strongly as he supported me at a time when no one else did (he obviously had an interest in doing this). That support was no longer needed that's all I'm saying.
As time went on I started to realise that the office Jim, the social night out Jim and the lunchtime pub date Jim wasn't the person I had built him up to be. I can't put my finger on anything specific but I gradually started to realise that perhaps my hubby wasn't as bad as I made out. How can I describe this? I think during all the trauma I was forgetting all the good points my hubby has and only remembered the bad in the same sense that I could only see the good in Jim. I started to think they are not massively different people. The only large difference being my hubby would never leave his wife and kids! I started to think did I make a big mistake. I mean have I chucked away a loving family for something that will decline as time goes by.
Jim was still giving me the things that my hubby wasn't but should I have talked to my hubby first? As more weeks went by Jim and I were having problems. General life problems of having kids/steps kids at the same time. It was very stressful especially as the kids didn't get on. Jim and I also started to disagree on things. This shocked me as we had agreed on everything up to this points. I guess you do when you are trying to really get on with people. In the end the negatives started to out way the positives. After a while Jim and I decided to end our romance. That really was all it was, a romance built on nothing substantial.
I can look back now and should have seen the warning signs. I gave up my marriage for someone I really didn't know, I mean how well could i have known him. I thought I knew him so well at the time I really did and was prepared to give up everything for him. I only knew him in a social light and at work. How could I have possibly know him well enough to leave my loving husband for? Another warning sign was the over whelming desire to sleep with him. I never really felt that about anyone but I started to believe I loved him because of it. I didn't and never loved Jim certainly not in the way I loved my hubby. I also found out that he had told people a few lies along the way. I just couldn't (or didn't want to) see it at the time. Jim is now back with his wife. I guess he is one of those people who cannot be alone and has to be in a relationship. I think he saw me as an escape from his marriage but wasn't brave enough to do it alone.
Now my hubby has a new girlfriend (a former mutual friend) and says he is very happy. I'm pleased for him but now I want him back so much and he says he can't have me back and wants to stay with his girlfriend.
This is now the third time I have felt so lonely. I regret the whole scenario so much. I didn't think I did anything wrong at the time but I have hurt so many people. My hubby is and always has been an amazing man. Ironically this experience has made him even better. I hear through friends about all the romantic things he has done for his girlfriend. I'm jealous as that is all I wanted. I wished I was her as I realise that he was my soul mate and as close to perfect as you can get. I'm finding him so bloody hot now too and I am drawn by his new zest to life!! When I see him with the boys it makes me so sad that I can't be with him them as a complete family.
Can anyone out there offer any advice on how to reconcile our marriage please?
I'm so lonely and want my old life back. Looking back we just needed to put in some work.
I'm probably not in a position to offer advice but ladies please listen.
If you ever find yourself in this position firstly don't do it - you will regret it.
I really wish I listened to one of my best friends who went through a similar experience and also got hurt. she warned me it would end this way. I ignored her as I believed Jim and I were different and that I should learn through my own experience. I was idiotic and I don't know who I was at that time. I don't recognise myself.
The phrase the grass is greener is so very very true.
I would suggest you write a list of what you want more from you hubby/boyfriend and let him know and give him time. I would also suggest you put in more effort into your marriage. That was all I needed to do. Also I know you can rekindle you sex life. I would love to be given the chance with my hubby and that is something I never thought I would say.
It is normal to be attracted to another man but please don't be fooled into think you know them and that you love them. Take it from me you don't - it is passionate lust which will fade quickly.
I have listed my mistakes and have probably missed many. In no particular order.
1. Not telling my hubby that things are so serious I am considering leaving
2. Not giving my hubby the chance to prove he can give you those things
3. Not making a effort myself in my marriage. If I put as much effort into it as I did into engineering chats with Jim we would be happy married still.
4.Thinking that I loved Jim and that I knew him.
5. Falling out with everyone who dared question my thoughtful decision.
6. Engineering new friendships for support. Trust me they are not there for me now!
7. Hurting my hubby and boys so very very much.
8. Not embracing family life and being to reminiscent of our past
9. Not listening to the people who care for me the most.
10. Being so selfish when it comes to the boys - I put my relationship ahead of them. I'm ashamed of that.
11. Forgetting all the great times and fun I had with my hubby. When I was clouded I could only see the bad times and felt that I was unhappy for a long time. in reality it wasn't that long and only needed either of us to perk up to improve things.
12. Having sex with Jim as I think this was the point when hubby moved on. (I didn't tell him we had but I could tell he knew).
13. Not having time apart from Jim when my hubby asked me to.
14. Probably and most importantly listening to my friends and people who had similar experiences.
15. Giving up on a marriage so easily for a daydream.
16. Running to Jim everytime I had an arguement with hubby of a friend/family member. This gave our relationship a sand foundation which would wash away in the rain.
17. Worshipping Jim in away that I could see no faults. He was like a god to me. He had many faults in the end none of which I could see until later by which time it was too late.
I regret every single one I really do.
I couldn't see any of it at the time. I was blinded I really was.
Now I go to bed at night wishing I took peoples advice as I would be very happy, married and as a complete family.
For those cynics out there. I don't just want to be back with hubby because I'm on my own.
It really is because I can see now that I had almost everything and could have worked on everything else. No relationship is perfect you just have to work at them.
I know it is my own fault and I am starting to face up to it.
Lyn1972 36-40, F 12 Responses 0 Nov 16, 2011