My Big Mistakes

Mistakes I've made

How can I say this without sounding like I recent myself? I don't know why I'm saying that, I do recent myself. Anyway 11 months ago I made and incredibly ludicrous decision which will affect my life forever.

Where shall I start?

I was in a 7 year marriage to a super guy. I was with him for 12 years in total and we had two amazing little boys (twins) together. They are 5 now and are so special and heart warming.

I am a successful legal secretary and my husband is a chartered surveyor. We had a very good income and always were comfortable financially. Never rich but very comfortable and could afford the nice things in life providing we weren't extravagant!

When my hubby and I first got together everything was great. We socialised so much and had a wonderful group of friends and both had incredible loving and supportive families. Our relationship just went from strength to strength with every new phase of our life. We bought a house together and moved right in. Coming home from a hard days work was always exciting just because I knew I would see him and he would make me laugh and give me hug and affection. We got engaged and then shortly after married. The day had it's hiccups but really was the best day of my life (until the twins were born).

Our relationship was so tight. We loved, cared and really trusted each other. My husband seemed perfect in every way. I wanted him to romance me more and frequently told him so but little ever changed. I loved him so much though I accepted (most of the time) that was the way it was. No relationship is perfect after all and we had a very strong relationship anyway.

Then I fell pregnant which was an exciting but daunting time. Don't get me wrong it was planned but we had such a fantastic life and we both knew that phase of our life was gone once we became parents. I thought I was prepared for it but looking back I guess I wasn't.

When the boys were born I was so happy and I could see my hubby was too (he could wait to take them to the stomp to see the Quins play every week). We were both scared but knew we would come through it together.

I was planning to stay off work as long as we could afford as bringing up the boys myself was my new main goal in life. Hubby had to work to keep paying the bills and I never expected that to be any different. After a few months or so, I started to notice that my hubby didn't seem to be enjoying the dad bit as much as he thought. Having twins was never going to be easier and he struggled coping mentally I think. The endless sleepless nights don't help and then going to work, coming home and starting the cycle again was tough. Even though we had magnificent family and friends I started to feel alone. For the first time my hubby and I started to disagree on things. Mainly about the boys but on general issues too. I think we both found this difficult (the disagreements) as we had always been tight and never argued.

I guess this was probably the start of the decline in our relationship :(
As time went by we were drifting aimlessly apart and neither of us noticed or did anything about it. Not intentionally but because we were both struggling with looking after the boys let alone looking after each other.

We still went out socialising occasionally but separately as the other half would stay in to look after our boys. Normal I guess but we didn't put aside 'us time' which was another mistake.

I had returned to work at this point which I was happy with. It gave me a release from being a mummy 24/7. My self esteem was at an all time low and work gave me the escapism I needed. I have always enjoyed work and have ambitions for my career. Going back to work felt normal. We would still have family time at the weekends which I always looked forward to.

Up to this point we made many mistakes. None of them were catastrophic but they were mistakes.

Then the start of our big problems crept in. I started to develop feelings for a colleague at work. I say a colleague, he was actually a manager at the conveyancing company we used who were on the floor below in the same building. I often worked with him (I'll call him Jim) and we always had a little flirt with each other but nothing that I wouldn't say to anyone else. I always found him attractive from the first time I meet him. don't get me wrong, I have fancied other people but Jim was the first one I thought phoarrrrrr I really fancy him and sometimes let me mind drift! This wasn't a problem as we were both happily married and I had two lovely boys always on my mind so I knew these thoughts were safe.

However, as time went by we would often see each other socially during his companies social events to which we were invited (Corporate hospitality they call it!). We normally ended up chatting with a group of us but I would catch him holding my eye contact a little longer than normal. I thought it was strange at first but from the second time onwards it started to give me butterflies in my tummy and I will say happily that it was a super feeling. Feelings I hadn't had in so long and one that I was probably longing for. We would chat more and more at work and then on one night out when we found ourselves alone in told me how special he thought I was and that he found me incredible attractive. I could have passed out there and then (looking back that would have be best). Instead I simply returned the thoughts. The night ended and I thought sh1t, what happens now. I tried to forget about it over the next week but couldn't. We found ourselves engineering time together, I was hooked. One day (a Thursday as I remember it was before hubbys birthday) we arranged to finish early and meet for a drink and a chat. We ended up driving to a quiet place and kissed and hugged. We didn't have sex but our hands were all over the place for quite a while.

I knew this was wrong and tried to stop it progressing further but I was helpless. Looking back I don't think he wanted to stop. He said he would happily leave his wife for me as they argued so much and were close to the end anyway. He said meeting me was just a massive bonus. For the first time I started to think about leaving my hubby. How could I think that as my hubby was an amazing person too and someone who I always loved. Our sex life had become non existent and was never mind blowing (good but not great) but we loved each other even through our neglect of each other. I also couldn't take the boys away from him either. I was never going to leave him and it was a ludicrous thought.

However the more I talked to Jim the more emotionally connected with him I became. He was giving me every single thing that I was craving in my marriage and that I wasn't getting. I was overwhelmed with the thoughts that he the one and perfect man I was after. I felt like I wasn't prepared to settle for something I wasn't happy with. He show me flaws in my marriage.

Then one night I snapped and did it. I told hubby I want a divorce as our marriage had disintegrated to nothing more than friendship. My husband was devastated. I hated doing it to him but the pull of Jim and the way I felt in his company was to to strong.

My husband was in a spin and begged for a second chance pleading that he will change. I just couldn't agree. We began to argue which pushed me away more. The more he begged the more I pushed him away. Why would I want to stay with someone like that when I had Jim waiting for me? We could never repair our marriage. It was way too damaged before I decided to leave and is even more damaged after the hurtful words.

After a few weeks I asked my hubby to move out to which he reluctantly agreed and moved to a friends. He said he stills wanted to save our marriage.
By this time all of our friends and family knew. They all thought I was the wicked witch for doing such a terrible thing. Splitting up with my husband for someone I didn't know. How dare they really, I knew Jim so well and they didn't know him at all. He was perfect for me and will make me very happy. I was so protective of my Jim! My hubby will get over it eventually and I felt like I was doing him a favour as he deserved someone who could love him when I felt I no longer could. I fell out with friends and family but had the support of my mum. She didn't fully agree but was there for me still. It was the second point in my life were I felt lonely but I had Jim to fill that void. The more people I fell out with the closer to Jim I became as he was unbelievable supportive and understanding. We had leaving our spouses in common for a start. I couldn't wait to hear from him and see him the whole time. We started to meet socially and started to go to lunch together regularly during work time. I still had my mummy duties to do so lunchtime was the best time to get us time. We found ourselves going to different restaurant so that we wouldn't bump into people we knew as we both felt terribly guilty. We could chat for ever. He was the one and boy I couldn't wait to get between the sheets with him. It was driving me wild which was a new experience.

This all continued for a while and then the moment came. We both knew we wanted it so badly and booked a hotel for the night when my hubby had the boys. It was a great night and we had sex. It was great. Not quite like I imagined but was very good.

At this time my hubby still wanted us to get back together and said he wants us to consider a trial of getting back together. I didn't want this. Why would I when everything with Jim was perfect.

All my spare time when I didn't have the boys was spent either being with, talking too or sms messaging Jim. I had everyday at work to see him too and we continued our lunch time dates. It really became a great social romance. It felt like he whisked my off my feet and was so supportive when my closest family and friend weren't. We were only getting closer.

I started to make new friends at work and social and gradually I found a new support from them. My relationship with Jim was strong. My hubby appeared to be moving on gradually. Everything started to feel more normal again. I was happy and so please I made the decisions I did.

One thing had started to change though. I started to compare Jim to my hubby more and more. The things I loved in my hubby were flaws in Jim. I wasn't doubting Jim but just comparing him.
I could see my hubby moving on with his life and I was so pleased for him. I still loved him dearly but he couldn't offer everything I wanted like Jim.

Because I had found new support and friends and as my family came around I didn't need Jim to support me quite so much. This I believe was the start of my regret. Don't get me wrong everything was still great but other than physical and big draw to Jim was him meeting my emotional needs. I was drawn to him so strongly as he supported me at a time when no one else did (he obviously had an interest in doing this). That support was no longer needed that's all I'm saying.

As time went on I started to realise that the office Jim, the social night out Jim and the lunchtime pub date Jim wasn't the person I had built him up to be. I can't put my finger on anything specific but I gradually started to realise that perhaps my hubby wasn't as bad as I made out. How can I describe this? I think during all the trauma I was forgetting all the good points my hubby has and only remembered the bad in the same sense that I could only see the good in Jim. I started to think they are not massively different people. The only large difference being my hubby would never leave his wife and kids! I started to think did I make a big mistake. I mean have I chucked away a loving family for something that will decline as time goes by.

Jim was still giving me the things that my hubby wasn't but should I have talked to my hubby first? As more weeks went by Jim and I were having problems. General life problems of having kids/steps kids at the same time. It was very stressful especially as the kids didn't get on. Jim and I also started to disagree on things. This shocked me as we had agreed on everything up to this points. I guess you do when you are trying to really get on with people. In the end the negatives started to out way the positives. After a while Jim and I decided to end our romance. That really was all it was, a romance built on nothing substantial.

I can look back now and should have seen the warning signs. I gave up my marriage for someone I really didn't know, I mean how well could i have known him. I thought I knew him so well at the time I really did and was prepared to give up everything for him. I only knew him in a social light and at work. How could I have possibly know him well enough to leave my loving husband for? Another warning sign was the over whelming desire to sleep with him. I never really felt that about anyone but I started to believe I loved him because of it. I didn't and never loved Jim certainly not in the way I loved my hubby. I also found out that he had told people a few lies along the way. I just couldn't (or didn't want to) see it at the time. Jim is now back with his wife. I guess he is one of those people who cannot be alone and has to be in a relationship. I think he saw me as an escape from his marriage but wasn't brave enough to do it alone.

Now my hubby has a new girlfriend (a former mutual friend) and says he is very happy. I'm pleased for him but now I want him back so much and he says he can't have me back and wants to stay with his girlfriend.

This is now the third time I have felt so lonely. I regret the whole scenario so much. I didn't think I did anything wrong at the time but I have hurt so many people. My hubby is and always has been an amazing man. Ironically this experience has made him even better. I hear through friends about all the romantic things he has done for his girlfriend. I'm jealous as that is all I wanted. I wished I was her as I realise that he was my soul mate and as close to perfect as you can get. I'm finding him so bloody hot now too and I am drawn by his new zest to life!! When I see him with the boys it makes me so sad that I can't be with him them as a complete family.

Can anyone out there offer any advice on how to reconcile our marriage please?
I'm so lonely and want my old life back. Looking back we just needed to put in some work.

I'm probably not in a position to offer advice but ladies please listen.
If you ever find yourself in this position firstly don't do it - you will regret it.
I really wish I listened to one of my best friends who went through a similar experience and also got hurt. she warned me it would end this way. I ignored her as I believed Jim and I were different and that I should learn through my own experience. I was idiotic and I don't know who I was at that time. I don't recognise myself.
The phrase the grass is greener is so very very true.
I would suggest you write a list of what you want more from you hubby/boyfriend and let him know and give him time. I would also suggest you put in more effort into your marriage. That was all I needed to do. Also I know you can rekindle you sex life. I would love to be given the chance with my hubby and that is something I never thought I would say.
It is normal to be attracted to another man but please don't be fooled into think you know them and that you love them. Take it from me you don't - it is passionate lust which will fade quickly.

I have listed my mistakes and have probably missed many. In no particular order.

1. Not telling my hubby that things are so serious I am considering leaving
2. Not giving my hubby the chance to prove he can give you those things
3. Not making a effort myself in my marriage. If I put as much effort into it as I did into engineering chats with Jim we would be happy married still.
4.Thinking that I loved Jim and that I knew him.
5. Falling out with everyone who dared question my thoughtful decision.
6. Engineering new friendships for support. Trust me they are not there for me now!
7. Hurting my hubby and boys so very very much.
8. Not embracing family life and being to reminiscent of our past
9. Not listening to the people who care for me the most.
10. Being so selfish when it comes to the boys - I put my relationship ahead of them. I'm ashamed of that.
11. Forgetting all the great times and fun I had with my hubby. When I was clouded I could only see the bad times and felt that I was unhappy for a long time. in reality it wasn't that long and only needed either of us to perk up to improve things.
12. Having sex with Jim as I think this was the point when hubby moved on. (I didn't tell him we had but I could tell he knew).
13. Not having time apart from Jim when my hubby asked me to.
14. Probably and most importantly listening to my friends and people who had similar experiences.
15. Giving up on a marriage so easily for a daydream.
16. Running to Jim everytime I had an arguement with hubby of a friend/family member. This gave our relationship a sand foundation which would wash away in the rain.
17. Worshipping Jim in away that I could see no faults. He was like a god to me. He had many faults in the end none of which I could see until later by which time it was too late.

I regret every single one I really do.

I couldn't see any of it at the time. I was blinded I really was.

Now I go to bed at night wishing I took peoples advice as I would be very happy, married and as a complete family.

For those cynics out there. I don't just want to be back with hubby because I'm on my own.
It really is because I can see now that I had almost everything and could have worked on everything else. No relationship is perfect you just have to work at them.

I know it is my own fault and I am starting to face up to it.

Lyn1972 Lyn1972
36-40, F
12 Responses Nov 16, 2011

This is so frustrating for you, to say the least, you needa good warm hug (:...................Louie

Hughie2,<br />
If you have some game changing information then tell her by all means if you think it will change her mind. Perhaps you should ask her to consider things again. If she says yes then you don't need to tell her. You might also want to consider not telling her as she has made her mind up. <br />
It's a tricky card to play as what ever it is you have to make sure you don't delight in it. <br />
Good luck. Please update us if or when you do decide. .

Thanks. I haven't looked on here for a while as I have all but given up.<br />
I still want to work it out but mainly for my son. He has always been my priority in all of this but I did want it for myself too. That changed at the weekend and now I would only be trying for my son. It probably wouldn't work but I would try as there is nothing to lose and everything to gain for him.<br />
I had been doing a few things behind the scenes to get her back up until now which back fired badly which has resulted in my wife not trusting me. She is now using this as one of the reasons not to try. I do know a couple of things though which I found out by shear luck but I want her to change her mind on her own. I have told her that she has a fall coming but that is all. She thinks I'm playing mind games. I think she tried to log into my email today which would have given her a surprise. This is all new to me so I'm very confused. She is looking for somewhere else to live now which is hard to deal with as it will be my sons other home. I know though that he will always see the home I'm in as his home which gives me great comfort.

Hughie2, It is the least I can do.<br />
Hang in there. She might come round.<br />
Ask her one more time to resolve your marriage problems. She will struggle with this as she will be thinking the quickest route to happiness is to end it and run of with the other guy. At this stage she doesn't realise that will be short lived but there is nothing you can do about that. <br />
She will only be remember the bad memories which have probably got worse since this problem started. This is partially from some of your natural reactions but also due to her trying to convince herself she is doing the right thing. She will not appreciate you questioning her decision and it won't get you anywhere trust me. My hubby p1ssed my off so much by doubting my judgement (when in actual fact he was right) that it renforced my decision.<br />
Instead try and reason with her. Understand why she has come to this conclusion but ask her to step back from it all. She will be considering back tracking on her decision but will be worrying about a missed opportunity. Convince her that she has nothing to lose and everything to gain.<br />
One thing you have to realise is she will recent you for a while if she does change her mind. She will have to break it of with the other man which will cause her a lot of pain as they would be extremley close now especially if she has become alienated by her friends and family. You will just have to put up with that for a while but she will soon realise that you can make her happy again. Slowly but surely you will get there. <br />
Tell her that you understand that she wants to be happy and agree life is too short to be unhappy but tell her that you don't want her to be unhappy forever and you only really want some time and effort to resolve your problems. She is not committing to a life time of unhappiness but she needs to be open to change and be prepared for a tough initial period. I can't reiterate enough I wish I tried to save my marriage with hubby so much.

Lyn, thanks for all your help. I feel like I've hijacked your story though!<br />
I am able to understand a bit more now. I suspected it was mostly lustful and how my wife would feel it is more. I was in a similar position once but never got to the levels you have detailed. That is why I have been quite forgiven so far as I understand how easy it is to get in a situation! It does feel great getting attention from who ever it happens to be from. <br />
My wife has refused to read any of your comments now as she says she has had enough and her head is bursting. I can't do anymore. <br />
Thanks for helping.

Hughie2 just got back from drinkies with the girls. Your situation was the main topic. We want to help you better understand. <br />
I told them your wife is leaving you for someone at work. <br />
We started discussing how it would have started. We all agreed that it would have started innocently but they would have flirted for several months if not years before it developed. The flirting would be on emails and then as time went on in person. Emails are easy as some people get embarrassed in person. As things develop they would be talking more in person. Now more personal stuff would be discussed such as you wife's home life and his and the issues they have with their relationships. They would probably talk about dreams especially ones that included the other one. They would then talk about rude dreams they had about each other and would likely ask that question each day and say have great dreams tonight at the end of each day. This starts to make things real. The are both fully thinking about how sex would be with each other. They are probably compiling mental lists about what sexual acts they would to perform with each other. They will be discussing this list more and more and adding things to it all the time This is such an exciting thing and she can't describe how exciting until have felt it. They were probably text out of work and at weekends and making excuse to go off to reply. I never understood at the time but this really does signal an affair as it is now affecting homelife. During this time they are probably lunching more often. Touching legs, holding hands going to pubs where they won't be seen. kissing! As a bloke he will be push he will do something to push the boundary and then apologise for it as if to look less pushy and caring. This is typical affair type stuff which then leads to much more in time. I hope your wife isn't there yet. I'm sorry if that hurts but it might help you understand why you wife has such strong feels. It really is all sexual and nothing else. She will swear blind it is more and will really think it but there is no more to it. It Is just dirty seedy sexual thoughts and intentions which over take any other emotion such as thinking about children. He will be so sympathetic about your wife's situation saying things like I understand how tough it is, I know it is very complicated but he will be saying that they will get through it together. He will be trying more and more to create common ground such as watching tv program's that he knows interests her and listening to her favourite music. I remember Jim talking to me about the great British recipe and telling me what a great tv program it is. When I got with him I asked him about stuff like that and he admitted he wasn't really interested but watched to attract me more. That was a typical example of how men tell women what they want to hear and basically lied. I didn't know him. This was one of 100s of things. <br />
Your wife and him will certainly be trying to justify themselves by saying life is too short to be unhappy and they won't care about the unhappiness they are causing to everyone else and will not be thinking about the children involved. <br />
All the women in the group said that this was the very same way it developed for them. Take heart by knowing it won't work out as it's not special. It is sexual and ba<x>seless but unfortunately they will ruin many people's lives because of it. Try to get you wife to read this to see if she confirms this process. If she does agree then it won't last for sure. Successful relationships start off far deeper than that. I wish I could warn her some how that however strong her sexual desires that is all it is. However bad your marriage is you will be happier in the long run by working through marriage problems. The other routes happiness is so short term. Long term happiness is with a loving family. <br />
<br />
Sorry for over talking. I have had a few drinks but I'm desperate for your wife to realise she is following my footsteps which have made me realise just what unhappiness is.

Lyn I have great sympathy for you. It is such a sad story. <br />
It brings back bad memories for me. I've been there too and my belly was washy just reading you story. <br />
I left my husband for a guy I knew from school. I thought I fell out of love at the same time as my needs were met by this guy. I packed it in after much thinking and I had three children. I wasn't thinking about them at the time. After 6 weeks I decided to try and love my husband again and we got back together. It was against my better judgement but the effect it had on my children during those 6 weeks made me do it for them. I was really lucky. I think we have now got through it. It took a while and for a long time I was telling myself that I'm not happy I'm not happy. I stuck with it and slowly I gain my love back and I am really happy. I never thought it would work but god must have been looking down on us. I still think about the other guy a lot but it is getting less and less. My husband had many trust issues with me and probably always will but it keeps him/us on our toes meaning we remember to work on us everyday. It works. I really hope you have the chance one day to get back with your husband. Good luck. <br />
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Hughie2, I feel for you I really do. You have a long road ahead which ever path it takes. I agree with lyn, give your wife some space. She will be doubting her decision enough and won't want you pressuring her. Tell her you want to be a better husband and believe you can eventually meet all her needs. Ask for a chance. It gets messy otherwise. She will still loves you but will view your marriage very differently since the other person entered her life. she will think it is all bad and has been unhappy for a long time. Dont let this hurt you. Its only her way of of justifying her decision and isn't true. I remember doing the very same.<br />
I'm sure she has a good heart and believes she is right and won't want to question her own decision especially at a time when everyone else is. Her conscience may get the better of her soon and she might change her mind so hang in there. If she doesn't change her mind then take comfort from the fact the her new relationship won't last. They never do and she will regret it. Make sure you fight for you son though. In a odd way even though it made me angry I respected my husband for it. The other guy was half the man and was happy not to see his baby girl.

I'm starting to feel like an agony aunt but it helps with my guilt.<br />
I really want to be able to help you. <br />
All I can do is offer my advice from my experience and from listening to my support group.<br />
You asked 'Why do they do that in the first place then?'.<br />
Because things aren't right in their marriage is the simply answer. All the things missing are shown up because they are seen in the other man.<br />
<br />
From my situation, Although I loved my hubby and we had a great life before, I felt like he wasn't giving me the attention and affection that I needed. I also over time became unattracted to him. He was still an attractive man but I didn't find him attractive. These fundamental needs were met by Jim. This then started a vicious circle as I started to see more parts of my hubby that I didn't like and were looking for those qualities in Jim. <br />
For example, I found out that hubby had lied (probably like you - never lie though as it is so important to women). He told me he hadn't contacted one of my friends to try and get her to persuade me to change my mind because he knew I would be furious that he is getting other people involved. She reluctantly told me otherwise (even though she did try to persuade me). Anyway, because he lied I felt I couldn't trust him. On the other hand I thought Jim was being completely genuine and honest with me (not strictly true as it turned out) which drew me even closer. So suddenly I had a husband who I loved as a friend, but who I no longer found attractive, who could no longer meet some of my fundamental needs and who I felt I couldn't trust! Then I had Jim who ticked every box. I was absolutely certain my hubby wouldn't ever tick those boxes and make me happy ever again and didn't want to put any effort into finding out whether he actually could. There was only one clear winner in my head.<br />
<br />
You then mentioned you became clingy and needy. My hubby did to and tried every trick in the book including guilt. I could see that he really would change from this point and that he really wanted us to resolve our marriage problems but his actions just pushed me away further and I thought it was too late. He really was in a lose lose situation because of the way I was thinking. I was irrational but couldn't see it and didn't want to hear it from anyone. The only person who didn't think this was Jim because he didn't really know the real me and it was in his interests to support me.<br />
<br />
We too had the inevitable arguments about the boys and money. This was just added stress on top of all the other stresses of a marriage break up. Every time we argued I ran straight to Jim. I bet he was thinking that my hubby was just pressing the self destruct button on our marriage!<br />
I knew the boys were important to my hubby and out of guilt I ended up agreeing to terms which were more ba<x>sed in his favour. I just thought it was the least I could do after leaving him without making any effort. I did feel guilt but it wasn't enough. Stick to your guns with that one.<br />
<br />
Now I look back at my situation I would have dealt with everything very differently as I have learnt so much through myself and others in the group.<br />
The first thing I should have done was consider the boys more than I did. I thought by me making this decision they would somehow benefit from it. I mean, how the hell could they possibly benefit from coming from a broken home and having a dad who they would see at weekends? They didn't deserve that as they adored my hubby and I was taking their right away of seeing him everyday because I didn't think we could resolve our marriage. I didn't want to try which meant I was putting myself ahead of them.<br />
I wish I was more open minded and positive that hubby and I could be happy again in the future. That is what I wanted to happen as it was the best possible outcome but I was so pig headed that I had already made my decision and had really thought about it, that I couldn't possible think any differently. I can see now that my hubby could have given me all those things in time and I would trust him again. I possibly wouldn't be as attracted to him than Jim at the time but I would have grown to be more attracted to him because he would be making more efforts in our relationship. I would be trying more and he would be trying more which would likely end in us being happier. Attraction develops from many forms not just looks. If my hubby met my emotional needs I would naturally find him more attractive. <br />
It is also the forbidden fruit scenario. I was so attracted to Jim because I couldn't have him to begin with. I wasn't as attracted to hubby because he was already there and available which is perfectly natural in any relationship and my support group all agree. Now my hubby has moved on and I can't have him I have those feelings back that I had when I first meet him to the extent that I would be content with just sleeping with him again! He is more attractive to me because he is like his old self but has learnt from this terrible experience.<br />
<br />
As for your wife. Try not to be angry with her as that with only make things worse. If she does decide to save your marriage I believe you will be successful as I know my hubby would have been if I let him. You wife will be confused, doubting herself and her decision. She has doubts about whether she could be happy with you but she will have doubts about the other man too. She knows she doesn't know him and that it is a big risk breaking up her family for it. She may well be thinking that she would have broken up with you anyway without the other man. She will be thinking for certain that she has been unhappy for a long time even without anyone involved. She will be thinking about resolving your marriage but she will have great doubts. This is all really common and the whole group say they had these very feelings.<br />
<br />
All I can say to you is that she is probably thinking irrationally. She can't remember the good times and the buzz and attraction she had for you but it did exist. You said that ' you can remember her always telling you how much she loved you and that she was very lucky. And that she loved you more each day'. She can't take that back and she truly meant that but she can't remember and is doubting your history together. She married you for a reason and that was because she loved you and you were the one that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She had your child because she wanted too. She will realise that.<br />
I wish more than anything in the world that I tried to resolve my marriage and not just give up for someone else who I didn't even know. I wish I did it for the boys, for my husband and for myself. At the time I didn't think it was what I wanted but now I know just how irrational I was. I was simple in a bubble.<br />
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All you need to do is to get back to your old self. Be confident not needy, be amicable and don't talk about the other man (She will doubt him and their relationship enough anyway so don't get involved) and she will realise. Give her space but not too much. Be happy and don't give up.<br />
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I am going out with some of the girls from the support group tonight. I will ask them for some other tips and support to help you understand more.<br />
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Take care<br />
<br />
Lyn x

Thanks for the reply Lyn. <br />
I think my wife has read your story and comment but I don't know what she thinks of it. <br />
It is interesting to hear you say that most were happier before. Why do they do that in the first place then?<br />
My wife really dislikes me as a person at the moment and does not think we could work again even if the other man wasn't involved. She says that we had a great social life but not necessarily a great relationship before our son was born. This frustrates me as I can remember her always telling me how much she loved me and that she was very lucky. And that she loved me more each day. <br />
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We are now arguing over access to my son which is breaking my heart. That hurts more than losing my soul mate. Did you have similar thoughts about your husband? <br />
I have told a couple of lies since she told me which isn't excusable but she now thinks I have lied throughout our marriage. I really haven't and pride myself on being honest and trustworthy. I just got really desperate. <br />
I have done everything wrong. Acted needy, desperate and full on. I can see why she doesn't want to make a go of it. I wouldn't either. I felt stronger and very positive when we agreed 50/50 access to my son. I felt like the old me again and had a spring in my step. I was excited about the future and what it could bring. My wife saw the solicitor today though and they advised her in the best interests of My son that 50/50 isn't a good idea! It breaks my heart thinking about the terms she wants. I really want him a minimum of two nights a week. I'm a good dad and deserve that as I've done nothing wrong.

Calmgreenocean + Hughie2<br />
Thank you for your sympathy<br />
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Hughie2 I'm sorry that you are feeling pain.<br />
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To answer your question about sleeping with him and not telling hubby. I could have but I felt like I couldn't. I thought by not doing it people couldn't judge me and that I could innocently walk away. Now I look back at it I can see that it was still wrong and that people had the right to judge me. That didn't concern me at the time as I could only see the end game. I think sleeping with him might have worked. I wish I took that option now and I would still be with hubby but I can say that I wish I didn't take it any further than talking now.<br />
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Have you shown this to your wife??? Try to get her to read it.<br />
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Your comment 'She won't listen to other peoples experiences either and says that a lot of these scenarios also work out well' I may have some info to prove that wrong!<br />
I have been going to a support group (I recommend this to anyone, arranged through Relate) for a few meetings with women who have found themselves in similar situation as me. The vast majority of them are now like me and their romance died away and they are no longer with the other man. Most regret leaving their husbands and family knowing that there wasn't much wrong with the relationship in the first place. Nothing that couldn't be worked on anyway with some guidance. Some of them (3 out of 17 in the group) are still with the other man. However all three have suggested that they are only sticking with it because they feel like they have to and not because it is the fairytale they thought it would be. Stubbornness and pride. I will expand further, two of them actually said they weren't as happy as they were in their marriage because their relationship with the other man was built on an artificial start (point 5) but felt they had to make it work as too much damage had been caused because of it. When they actually got to know them outside of the 'social/work romance' they weren't who they thought they were. I can comprehend this as although Jim was a nice person I know that he was keener than me to leave his marriage. This meant that he only told me what I wanted to hear and appeared and was very supportive and sympathetic to my situation but I can see now that he really wanted/needed it more than me. It makes me think now that those efforts to support me should have been directed to his marriage for his family. It also begs the question that was it really ever going to work out between us when both of us have given up on our marriages? It was inevitable that it wouldn't work out for us but I couldn't see that he was giving up on his marriage. The one out of the three that was semi ok came from an abusive marriage so anything was better than that.<br />
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The group has helped me learn a lot about these situations and there are some key common themes.<br />
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1. 14 agreed that they didn't love the other man and it was lust although each one said they initially thought they loved them. the 3 say they are sort of in love but not like before due to all the trauma caused.<br />
2. You are drawn to the other man because it is interesting to find out more and more info on each other.<br />
3. The physical excitement faded fast.<br />
4. 16 out of 17 regretted the decision and were happier before. They commonly admitted that they just couldn't see it at the time. I can honestly say at the time of making my decision all I could remember was the unhappy times since we had the boys. I forgot or didn't want to remember all the good times. There were many but I just thought I was unhappy for along time. I wasn't. Now I know what unhappiness is.<br />
5. All agreed that they thought their relationship with the other man was so special but soon realised it wasn't when reality of life kicked in. It's easy to think that as when I saw and talked to Jim I never had the boys or the stresses of life. I was either out in a pub/restaurant or at work. Unfortunately you can't always be in those scenarios 24/7 so when reality of life kicks in you realise that it was totally and utterly false footings to ba<x>se a relationship on. I mean if hubby and I were in those scenarios all the time we would be having more fun and would have been happier. All we needed was some us time. It's like how often do you have a bad night out (drinks or food) with your friends? Not often/ever. This is because you are in an enjoyable environment and are meant to have a good time. Imagine a scenario when you are going out to a pub with your best girly friends to have a chat and gossip over some glasses of vino. Sounds great right? Then imagine you have to take your children there too and perhaps have to do a little bit of ironing at the same time. It's starting to sound stressful and not enjoyable. Can you see my point? When you are with the other man you are in an enjoyable environment. It is only a small part of how your life will be with them and indeed the best part. Everything else is not so enjoyable. It is a false ba<x>se for a relationship.<br />
6. All agreed that they were being selfish especially towards the children (when involved).<br />
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If your wife or any other woman or man is reading this then take it from me it won't work and you won't be any happier. Your life will become so much more complicated and the other man will not turn out to be the person who whisked you off your feet. If your romance with the other person is ba<x>sed on social or work environment then it is doomed to fail. My support group can all vouch for that as almost all had that experience.<br />
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Listen to me preaching! I know I'm in no position to preach but this is how I feel after experiencing the highs and lows of it all. The lows way way way out weigh the highs though!<br />
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I'm struggling lots but trying to help others and in a strange kinda way helps me to forgive myself.<br />
<br />

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear you are so low and lonely.<br />
I am going through the same thing as your husband. My wife is involved with someone and doesn't think our marriage can be saved. I still do and want to try for my son. She fell out with her mother over it big time which she has admitted only pushed her closer to him. She too says it is more than a sexual thing and that she has stronger feelings. She won't listen to other peoples experiences either and says that a lot of these scenarios also work out well. I believe she is in the same boat as you were. I wish you could talk to her.<br />
I do hope you eventually find happiness. Put all your efforts into your twins as they will get you through it.<br />
My boy is helping me getting through my problems as we speak. I would do anything for him.<br />
Can I ask,<br />
Do you think it would have been better if you had just slept with him behind your husbands back to get the lust out of your system and then continued with you family life?<br />
This sounds an awful question to ask as I know why I am asking it.

Wow. That is a sad story. Wish I had advice for you but I am in no position to give good advice. I can tell you that you need to forgive yourself. You made a mistake. Now learn to live with yourself. When your boys are at their Dads, do something for yourself. Try to accept that he has moved on. Things will be ok eventually. Best of luck to you. 0X0X0