Widower Of 10 Years Still Cant Let Go

I lost my wife to breast and liver cancer 10 years ago at the age of 37.She was diagnosed 12 days before and we were told that the cancer was metastatic and aggresssive.At the time our boys were 5 and 21 months old.Im currently in a relationship of 5 years and i love this woman but the centre of me doesnt let people in to easily.She wants to move in together and get married.I dont believe in moving in since im a bit old fashioned that way and I dont want my sons to think that this is proper behaviour to live together.Ive been having second thoughts since ive been 10 years raising my sons on my own.Im now 50 and have been enjoying my life in this new adjustment and prefer to keep my life simple as my kids are in their teens and the freedom ive now come to enjoy.She has a 8 year old daughter whom im fond of but thats it.I dont want to start raising someone elses child.I like things the way they are,she has her place and i have mine.And she lives 15 miles away so it gives me the opportunity to do my own thing.Am i being to selfish or just cant let go.She recently lost her job as an executive and i feel now that she is looking to turn towards me to latch on to some financial stability.I dont make anything near to what she is use to making.I dont want to miss out on the opportunity of being with my kids as a widowed parent,they are the world too me and i feel i would lose that.My big problem is how to tell her without her getting dramatic.ANY ADVICE FOR LOST IN ONTARIO,CANADA
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26-30
3 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Hi, Mortyman,
Thanks for doing the 'fan' thing - I'll do the same for you once I work out how. (Not very techy!)
Reading you story, I'm struck by amount of pressure there is for people to 'move on' -ie get involved in another close relationship after a bereavement when in actual fact a lot of people do what you (and I and a couple of other people I know) do - they get on with the business of raising the kids as a top priority.
I have a good friend who is a widower - his wife was my friend, she died of breast cancer about a year before my husband - his son is my son's best friend and uses this place as a second home. He threw himself into helping us when my husband died and I'm not sure how I would have managed without him. As you can imagine, the expectation that we would get together was immense!
But I always knew it would be completely wrong - he's a great guy and I love him to bits - as a friend. Although he was immensely kind to us, I always had the feeling that he was also very glad to be the one who was doing the helping, not the one who needed the help. Worse, if we had got together and then broken up it might have deprived both our kids of a relationship - he's very Alpha Male, very into cars and bikes, as is my son - his son comes round here for home cooked meals and a bit of girly fussing. Now I am so very glad that I resisted that pressure and the lonliness that I felt at the time and listened to my intuition. Neither of us have a 'significant other' at the moment and only the other day he was saying exactly what you said about liking having his own space! And I was agreeing with him.
My gut feeling over your story is that if your gut feeling is telling you that her moving in is wrong, then it probably is. You sound like a smart chap. It's nothing to do with you 'not moving on'.
How you might tell her that, I don't know - but you're not alone in feeling that way!

Shees, when will I learn to read slower, more carefully! I agree - your intuition is talking to you. You DID open yourself up to newness......and you are listening to intuition.... Do your thing...she does hers and meet in the middle for dates. IF its enjoyable....if not, time to move on. Dependency is a yucky feeling....you've been doing pretty good with your little family. Loneliness can make us jaded in our decisions. I think you're pretty smart!!! Good for you.....you know what's right for and your boys....There could be someone in exactly the same position (widower) and you could attract that situation down the road.. Plus, you might experience jealousies.....what's wrong with just hanging out, going fishing, go to movies.....a good friend!! maybe not the complications of a mixed family....its not easy, I'll tell ya!

OMG that's harsh "Morty"......lost my boyfriend to a car wreck...found another like-minded soul 25 years later! ......but for ALL you out there....in the story, my sister and I helped (with Hospice) my mom "pass" from extremely aggressive cancer. You should have seen her face when her time here was up.... Her eyes opened wide with wonder, she smiled and was gone. We ran around dancing in happiness for her - she did it, just like a birthing!!! We're here temporarily to learn stuff or something?....Morty, don't close off your heart. There is a new horizon, a new day....Raise your kids and keep open.....amazing what shows up!!!!