Passed Up My Rockstar

i met this guy (we'll call him jim ) 8 years ago when i was 18. we met online...not in a chat room though. i never did that sort of thing. we met by accident...i happened to be downloading some of his files on a music sharing website. he asked me to download and listen to his bands songs. i did and i really liked them. it was the beginning of a beautiful and much needed friendship. we talked almost daily for months after that. we lived a few states away from eachother so meeting was not an immediate option. our talks started with music and over time we learned alot about eachother. he talked me through some rough times and we grew to really care about eachother. he would send me poems...he wrote a really sweet one for my birthday one year . we never really talked on the phone. i had heard his voice only once on a message he left on my answering machine. we eventually fell in love. i know that sounds hard to believe...i'm often skptical of internet romance myself...but i had never felt that way about any man before. we ended every conversation with i love you...we both felt strange about it but we couldnt deny what was happening. i talked about him all the time. my friends begged me to stop...lol. we tried planning trips to see eachother but things never seemed to work out for us. even though we felt the way we did, we didnt stop living our lives...i dated...i even had a serious boyfriend at one point...then i went to meet jim. i was going to be driving through the stat he lived in on my way to visit some family. we made plans to meet and spend a couple days together. when i actually arrived at my hotel, i was nervous..i waited and waited...after about 6 hours of waiting by the phone he finally called. i was mad but i wanted to see him so bad. he came over..i stared at him through the peephole in the door for what seemed like forever before i finally let him in. he was everything i knew he would be and i felt so overwhelmed by it. it was too good to be true. we ordered a pizza and talked for hours. when he was putting his shoes on to leave, i noticed that we had the exact same pair of adidas sneakers on...wierd. i walked him outside and to his car. we had an understanding before i met him that i had a boyfriend and i didnt intend to cheat on him. he said that was just one more thing he liked about me. so when i walked him to the car i didnt expect more than a hug and maybe a few tears. he surprised me by grabbing me and pulling me under a staircase and kissing me. he said that he knew about my boyfriend but he needed to show me what we had been missing...it was the single most romantic kiss of my life. i cried a little bit and he held my hand. i could see that he was fighting back tears. he handed me a cd and said # 6 is for you. when i asked what he meant he said that he wrote that song for me. i listened to it all night long. he picked me up the next day and took me to his house. he sang the song he wrote for me. he knew that it was one of my biggest fantasies to be serenaded. he made it come true. then he took me out with his friends. they all seemed to know about me. it was nice to know that he talked about me too. we didnt get the chance to talk too much until he drove me back to my hotel. it was kind of akward and frustrating. we wanted to be together but i had a boyfriend...i had never wanted something so bad before. we sat in the parkin lot of the hotel for hours...me crying and him looking hurt. we talked about why we couldnt be together...we were just too far away and moving wasnt an option for either of us. i was crying so hard that i could barely talk. he gave me a tshirt to blow my nose in..it was gross but it was a shirt that was sentimental to him...i felt bad about that. we kissed and hugged...it felt so good to be in his arms. i felt safe and protected in his arms. it was the hardest goodbye i've ever experienced. i left the next morning listening to my song and crying through 3 states. after my vacation i broke up with my boyfriend. i realized that jim was the only man for me. when i told jim i thought he just might drive up and get me..lol. he was so happy...making plans for us. he told me that he wanted me to move down to be with him. he wanted me to move in with him. he was on tour alot so he said i could tour with him and sell merchandise for the band. it sounded too good to be true...and it was. at least on my end...i couldnt make myself do it. i packed my things several times and headed out the door...but i was terrified to leave my family and move so far away. it was becoming harder and harder to maintain a long distance relationship. eventually we drifted apart...we tried to talk when we could but life happens...i turned 21 and went a bit crazy for a while...alot of partying and being reckless. after i had enough of that lifestyle i got lonely and i met someone. i told jim and he said he understood and that he wasnt mad. but i could tell that he was bothered by it...i tried to assure him that it wasnt serious but i started to actually like the new boyfriend. he was nothing like jim though. jim's schedule got busier and busier and we talked less and less. i ended up pregnant and married to the boyfriend. we were really happy in the beginning, at least i was... i still question his reasons for marrying me. i love him with everything i have to give. whats troubling me is that i recently got in touch with jim again. we talk through short messages...he told me he thinks about me everytime he watches serendipity. he has a girlfriend and she's adorable...i've seen pics of them together and they look reallly happy. i told him how happy i was for him and that all i want is for him to be happy. i told him how i always thought it would be he and i together in the end...his response was " the future is a big thing and who knows what will happen with us". i felt so guilty after reading that...i am a married woman and i have no right to feel the small hint of relief when he said that. i foun out the other day that he has recently married the girlfriend. he never told me. it was like a punch in the stomach when i saw her myspace page and she was using his last name. i know i should be happy for him but i feel like a part of me died...how awful is that of me? i truly love my husband ...why do i feel like this ?
ktsm0m ktsm0m
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 4, 2007

Good luck. This story is bittersweet, and I can relate.

This story tore my heart out and I guess that's why no-one else has commented. At least you love your husband. Wishing you happiness.