I don't want to say I hate it, and it might just be my interpretation, the world looks strange in my eyes, I try to believe everyone loves me, cus I received lots of bday wishes, but I sometimes feel being really ignored.
When I was crying on the train heading downtown yesterday, I was upset about how my father was yelling at me n my mom when he talks, it scares me. I v told him I don't like to be yelled at- he acted like that's the right thing to do given the circumstance. For me, I m so afraid of people talk loud to me that I want to disappear.
Ok. So I was crying on the train thinking oh fear u got the best of me, what can I do. I m so afraid of people who yells, I perceive it as mistreatment. How come I can't alter how I feel, am I so broken?
My parents were on the train with me, both sitting facing me, yet no one said a word, my mom silently offered me tissue to wipe my tears, but dad just pretended not seeing anything.
I was so frustrated. They acted like total strangers, one is so indifference, the other is warm hearted strangers.
To this day, I can't help to feel there is something wrong with me n my family. Seriously wrong. My family is making me feel unworthy, as should be ignored.
While I v been trying do hard to recover from the breakup and uplift myself, this is how I m treated by my own family! I can't believe this is real.
Or am I so troublesome myself so no one dare to talk to me- I m just trying to get positive- such a hard struggle.
Mangostrawberrybanana Mangostrawberrybanana
36-40, F
2 Responses Aug 16, 2014

Your Dad raised his voice at you and your mom and you started to cry. Your mom received the same treatment and gave you a Kleenex to comfort you. Perhaps she was hurting as well and also needed comfort! Just because people don't cry doesn't mean that they don't hurt inside. In fact, they may be hurting even deeper because they don't have an outlet. Also, if you are a crier people may start to get used to it and either see it as a form of manipulation or perhaps just get desensitized to it.

I'm just offering you another perspective to see things in a different light.

I'm 40ish years old and feel this way all the time. What you are picking up on is just the fact that everyone has different personalities and relates to the world differently. In your case u don't think anything you described is personal. It just is. But I know it still hurts. As you grow in social skills and self awareness this will become less.

I find it hard to deal with my emotion when people choose to be irrelevant as they relate to me. It naturally increases my fear of rejection. How did u grow your social skills? I know I feel better when people around me show they care. One night heading home I couldn't stop my tears , one stranger came hugged me said: everything will be fine- that's the comfort I hardly received in my family. Now I don't want to touch my parents at all, let alone hugs.

It will be something that will happen naturally as you get more exposed to life and different experiences. Just Ty to make the most of every moment, assess your mistakes, observe how others handle things, make friends with nice people who know how to handle people etc.

Ps your parents may not be affectionate but still love you. If thry are taking care if you and doing their best in life you should be very thankful towards them. But only you know.

How do u make peace with what u want and u cannot get? In this case parents affection

That's a good question. My husband had to go through that. It's hard to let go of the person you 'thought someone was' or who you always wished they were. Your questions seems like it is simple but it actually isn't. Behind it is societies expectations of what family is 'supposed to be like' as seen on TV, books, movies etc. but you have to realize that in reality all families are different and learn to accept yours. It's tough it's not easy. But every day you just have to remind yourself not to judge. It is very important to realize that some people show deep affection but may not have your best interests at heart or know how to protect you. Others may not be able to show affection but it's obvious they love you because they are proud when you succeed and care for you in many ways. Look for these things- they are more important than a display of affection. Finally, don't stop being affectionate yourself. Give it to others freely without expecting it back. One day you might be surprised when it is shown back. No hope this helps a little.

Really well-written. I appreciate it.

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