Outsider

All my life I have often felt like an outsider, isolated from everything and everyone But the weird part is that I have a close group of friends and I am afraid to be friendless in life that in my head I feel that I have to overcompensate for any of my flaws as a person by being an extra nice friend. But no matter how nice I am, or how many friends I have, I feel that I am always alone. I feel alone in a crowded room. I just feel nobody will ever understand me. I don't even understand myself fully yet. I feel that no  one can relate to me. It's like my brain was wired differently so that I just feel different in every aspect that there is in being a person

This outcast feeling that I feel in my family is on another level. I am the youngest out of 4 kids with a huge age difference. The 2 eldest  are sisters and they are 14 and 10 years older than me while the third child is 5 years older than me. because of this I have never been able to relate to any of them and I think the age difference has a lot to do with this.The two eldest are my sisters and they grew up with my grandma while me and my brother grew up with my mom. It's a complicated story but those are the facts. I have always envied sisterly bonds that I have never got to experience in my life. You know those sisterly relationships where although you fight, you can tell each other deep secretsand share clothes with each other. I have never had that feeling with anyone. I've never confided in anyone with my most intimate secrets. So i just feel stuck in my family where I don't belong. I am always the last to find out things in the family. Its like I am an outsider watching my family and just living with them. They never tell me anything and maybe that's why I feel like I don't belong. What struck a nerve with me was When my eldest sister got pregnant, I overheard them talkiing to keep it a secret from me. It hurt me.
siriusblue siriusblue
18-21
4 Responses Jul 15, 2010

Right in the feels.

Asperger maybe?

That first part, that really got me... I feel the same way.

I'm a very nice person too & try to be nice to people. But most of the times I feel alone in my classes anyway. I have some friends but they're in different classes. I feel like no one gets me either & I feel like I'm the last to be told anything in my family as well.