I Often Feel Like An Outsider

Out Of Towner

By: Fallflower

Written on March 25th, 2010

High school: Not smart enough to fit in with the nerds. Not pretty/outgoing/cruel/vapid/you name it enough to fit in with the cool kids. Definitely not brave enough to fit in with the rebels, though that's where my heart was. I was the new girl in a school where most of the kids had known each other from kindergarten. The new-new girl who showed up a year after me - stunningly gorgeous, exotic, sweet and damaged - became my best friend. (She's still one of my bestest.) My entire class had 35 people. It was a small school. It was daunting to penetrate the formed cliques, so I did not attempt it.

College: I went to a small religious college where many already knew each other because they were from NYC. (I wasn't.) Even though the school was in Israel, anyone not from NYC was considered an "out of towner". I was an outsider. I was not like them. Not as devout, or catty, or rich, or breezily flirty with boys. I didn't have the clothes that were considered in style in that circle (hideously modest). I had friends, mostly out of towners. Which was perfectly fine with me. If you had asked me then, Do you like being an outsider? I'd have said No. But then ask me "Do you want to be an insider?" I'd have said No Way.

Grown Up: I just don't feel like I'm a part of anything. Maybe it's because of the unique school situations. Maybe it's just me.

By: Fallflower

Age: 36-40 , Female

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12 responses

grayhalo

Sounds like some of my school experiences. I never fit into any group either, though I did have some friends in various groups. I was literally ranked in the middle academically too. Go figure.

May 22, 2012
1 like
consa

Let me guess. You are an American Jewish woman, whose parents tried to make her be more religious than you cared to me. I very much related to girls like you in college. A very few talked intensely and personally to me. But I never touched one.

Jun 30, 2011
2 likes
- Fallflower
  Er, you guessed it.
  
  Jun 30, 2011
  1 like
sunflower101

What have you learned about people as an outsider? What is your perspective on this situation now?

Feb 5, 2011
1 like
- Fallflower
  I learned that it's all a game and people either choose to play or sit out. I often choose to sit out and mostly admire the people who play.
  
  Jun 30, 2011
  1 like
THEBIGM

maybe now, after all these years, you've found a place to be you

welcome

(and I would probably find you tasty)

Sep 14, 2010
1 like
- Fallflower
  Are you the guy who married the widow with 5 kids? OK you're allowed to be a lech :)
  
  Jun 30, 2011
  1 like
Fallflower

Thanks sunflower :)

Jul 15, 2010
1 like
sunflower101

I'm happy u shared yr post. it's nice 2 see some validation.

Jul 15, 2010
1 like
Fallflower

I agree echo :)

May 23, 2010
1 like
Fallflower

Masscharade and Southernman, I agree with both of you. Thank you for your thoughtful comments! In the end I am happy to not have been part of a clique.

Apr 2, 2010
2 likes
Southernman48

Maybe you could say you march to the beat of your own drum and that's not such a bad thing.

William Shakespeare who said "To thine own self be true." and there is a lot of truth in that simple little sentence.

It took me many to to figure that out but once I did I found I was a lot happier.

Apr 1, 2010
1 like

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