Life Just Keeps Going Downhill the Older I Get
If anyone is like this too, please let me know. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me and if someone can provide some insight, I would really appreciate it.
I don't have ANYONE in my life. I am not joking when I say that; what I'm going to write is absolutely true because it's anonymous - I want to get feedback so I'm going to tell the truth. I am estranged from my family, I have absolutely no friends, and (now this is really embarrassing) I am 42 years old and have had exactly 1 boyfriend when I was 17 (I'm not bad looking either which makes people really wonder why I'm always alone; I think most just think I'm a lesbian and haven't come out, but I'm not). I can't keep jobs for very long, average about 1 per year, and never move up in the company in spite of being a good worker. I don't think I'm a bad person, but when someone upsets me I just cut them out of my life (as is the case with my family) or give them the silent treatment (which is why I have so much trouble at work). I KNOW these things about myself yet I continue to do them and don't know why. In my mind, if I give in then they will have the power over me, it will show that I'm weaker and they will take advantage of that.
I'm at the point now where I've lost another job and don't have anything lined up and I'm worried sick because I have a mortgage to pay and am petrified at the thought of losing my condo, my sanctuary. I know I'll have a difficult time getting another job because I'm not able to get any references because I always leave jobs on bad terms. There is no area of my life that is in good shape that I can turn to for comfort - no love life, no family, no friends, no work - nothing. I know this will sound odd, but I cannot believe that my life has come to this and can't believe that this is actually my life. In spite of everything though, I DO NOT feel suicidal. I have this inner self talk that has always kept me going, as it will again, but ........what the eff is wrong with me? What do other people know/do that I don't? Please give me feedback.