I'm Just So Tired

Sometimes I feel like if I'm cursed. Or already have died and I'm living in hell. My story is normal like most. My mother was a drug addict an alcoholic who verbally mentally and physically abused me and my sibilings. I was raped and molested by 6 different men. Most of which my mom have brought in the house. And knew about. We were usually homless, poor or in and out of foster care. I got pregnant when I was 17 blah blah blah. But I finished high school graduated went to college tried to work so hard to raise my son so he would never hurt, or have a hard life or live in poverty. I have done that. But it seems that everytime I turn around I end up making a stupid mistake for getting back where I started and I could never make ends meet in life or love. I could never keep a real relationship because I will not let anyone in or help me. I feel like I'm going around and around in circles and I don't know why I keep trying hard to be the best mother and the best worker and the best friend and Im really just depressed almost everyday I feel like shooting myself in the head. But I keep on a brave face and act like everything is in order. For the sake of my son. But about every other day i think what I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I'm tired of being strong I'm tired of being brave I'm tired of waiting for good things to happen I'm just so so damn tired. I have tried prayer meditation patience nothings working I don't know what to do anymore.
eviems81 eviems81
31-35, F
Dec 5, 2012