The Promise.....

I've not done much writing since I've been here....at least other than poetry.  Poetry gives me  a way to say what I'm thinking without actually delving into the intimate details...and all their gory contents.

But , sometimes....the poetry isn't enough....I was writing prose long before I tried my hand at poetry.  My husband is a good man.  He loves me.....but he is not attracted to me alone.  For a long time, I hoped he/we would grow out of that stage.....and that I would be enough to keep his attention.  This does not seem to be so.  He constantly needs reassurance from others...my devotion is not enough.  I try to be open, and not get my feelings hurt , but it seems that every time he's faced with a choice to keep our relationship monogamous, he chooses freedom....and I let him. " Why do you let him?", you may ask....and the reason is this.....my entire life, I have been with men who say "I love you", when , indeed, they had no idea what the word meant.  There have been many excuses for my past partners to be unable to give completely of themselves:  I was raised to keep my emotions to myself"......."Really, baby.....it doesn't mean anything when I look at women"...."I have ADHD" (no **** ....one man actually said that!).....but, the thing that was constant, was the need to take them by the hand, explain over and over (at each incident) acceptable behavior from a SO, and tell them word for word, act by act, the way to keep me happy.  It seems they had no responsibility to observe me on their own, and extrapolate needed acts and words, therefrom.  I truly do understand that people think differently...but, my God....I would think that someone who claims to believe in monogamy (as sworn in passionate embraces..."I am yours and yours alone") would understand what makes monogamy of none effect.  It seems the intelligence of the man has no bearing on this.   I have only had one liaison with a man of no education or intelligence   All have been thought . well spoken and capable.  My husband has an IQ of over 140.  These men have not been stupid.  But ALL have been oblivious to the  hurt they can heap upon your heart with thoughtless words and actions.  

Over the years, I have honed my instincts to a fine point. I have had to watch , many times, as my heart took a slap from an unthinking man, who's defense later would be "I forgot" or "I didn't know it would upset you" or "how was I supposed to know?".   How, indeed?  Mayhaps it would behoove you to take some initiative, to think before you act, to consider the ramifications of your words and actions BEFORE you say or do them.  There is something that I think most men fail to understand....even the ones who truly love....and that is this:

"I love you" is not just a statement of feeling at the moment.  It is much, much more.  It is a promise, as well. And the promise is reaffirmed every time we use those three words.  We promise to act in a way that will show love at every opportunity.  We promise to let our love guide both our acts and our words... to protect the heart we have sworn to cherish.  We promise to learn the secrets of our partner's psyche, and to nourish their soul, as well.  

Without the understanding of these things,  what good is a declaration of love?  Yes....it is wonderful to know that I make you feel that love in a particular instance...but it is far more important for me to know that you will care for my heart, at your every chance...because, dear one, that is what I do for you.  I look at your face, read your tone, remember your preferences..and weaknesses/fears....and adjust my words and behavior accordingly.  I constantly ask myself "how would I feel if he did this to me?",or "how would this make him feel?",  before I take any action.  I know, in spite of your claims to the contrary, what will make you happy....and base my words/actions on that, instead of your defense mechanisms or honest attempts to be honorable or considerate.  Should I expect less from you?    And , I'm sorry.....some things should just be innate, and not have to be voiced in order to be expected.  Interest in sexual relations with others should not even enter your mind.  And, yes, I am aware that men will look....and fantasize , sometimes...but I should be your fantasy....if I'm not, then please.....PLEASE.....just tell me, and I'll find a man for whom I AM his fantasy.  I am weary of the promise.....and the breaking thereof....and being told that it really wasn't broken....there was just a misunderstanding....and I should get over it.  Of constantly having to tell you, at every turn, what is acceptable behavior, and what is not.  You should have some understanding of these things, yourself. Of having my concern for you, and the sacrifices it compels me to make for you, taken as a right...and exploited every single time.  Sometimes, an offer of sacrifice should be denied...it shows your love and understanding of the significance of the sacrifice.  The promise has been broken..over and over again...so....tell me..if you can.....is it even still a promise..does it have any worth?
calistoast calistoast
56-60
1 Response Jul 11, 2010

Not at all, sir knight...for I am a fellow crusader....a siter in arms, if you will. I quest for love and passion....a lifelong quest. I wish you much luck in yours.<br />
<br />
Krista