Was I Ever A Virgin?

I have always loved men that are at least 20 years older than myself. I lost my virginity to a man in his 30s that I seduced. I was a teenager. But something inside me, wanted him. He was married. Played the guitar. He had a band, he played the guitar. We smoked a ciggarette one day, and our arms brushed at the ashtray. I was clumsy. And I was feeling the heat rise in my face, I felt my body change; I didn't know what it was. But he smiled and I felt my heart thump. From that day on, whenever I saw him. I would hide behind my sunglasses and stare. I wanted to do something with him. I didn't know what exactly, I just wanted to feel his hands all over my body, I wanted his mouth. He was a man. I don't know what I was.
One afternoon, I went to a practice and had a few drinks. Only my best friend knew how old I was. I carried myself like a woman. I wore makeup, not too much and dressed like daisy duke.
At some point, there was a chance to go to the store. I asked if I could ride along and buy cigarettes. He was driving.We stopped by his house to collect some things for the practice. Then went to the store. While I was in line waiting to pay for my tobacco; a couple of boys from my school started making comments. Saying I dressed like a w#0re. I ignored them. But it clearly upset the man I was with. When we walked out to the car he told me, that I shouldn't let people talk to me like that. I didn't say anything. We got into the car and I started to cry. I asked if we could take a drive so I could calm down. I didn't want the guys to see me upset. We drove to a spot by a river. And he talked to me about how odd it was that I had all these male friends; and how I didn't act like most women. It seemed as if I didn't care about what people thought about the things I did. I slid next to him, I didn't know how to begin. He was married, I was brand new. I lifted my top and slid it over my head and stared into his eyes. And he froze.I felt hot stirrings inside of myself. I was breathing so hard, my heart was pounding; we had earlier had a few drinks. He told me I was beautiful. And tried to get me to cover up, he protested and I climbed on top of him, and put my mouth on his. I kissed his neck; he protested. I put his hands on my breasts. And I could feel his heat under me. He kissed me back. I lay back and let him kiss my neck, shoulders and breasts. I felt a man, sucking at my skin,I felt his hands rubbing my fresh skin. It was what I wanted. I felt his heat, and I slid one one of his hands to my thighs. I lifted up so he could feel me. He was hot against my jean shorts, and I was moving my hips. I didn't know how to continue I just knew I wanted him in that spot. That heat below me, I wanted it closer. I wanted to feel it hotter.I pulled his shirt off, and felt his chest hair on my bare skin, and it felt right. He smelled so good, his aftershave and the summer heat on our damp skin. I slid his hand onto the source of my excitement. He felt it; and protested. He was married, he had a wife, and children. I was younger, maybe too young. We needed to stop. I climbed off of him, and climbed out of the truck. I walked over to the river bank. I lay down, and slid my shorts off. I felt my panties were damp. I rubbed my hands across my breasts. I slid my fingers down the waistband of my cotton underpants. I felt what a man touching me, and what my mouth on his skin did to my young body. I wanted to feel myself, I touched myself. It felt amazing. I closed my eyes, I knew he was watching me. I was thinking in my mind, please...please come and take this feeling further. I wanted his bare chest on my hot skin. I wanted his mouth. I heard him walking over, I kept my eyes shut. I rolled my panties down, and he was there. I felt his mouth engulf the young female parts of me. I felt his arms wrap tightly around my thighs, and his tongue on my hot spot. I started to shake and squirm, even thought I wanted to feel his tongue deeper. Shock waves set through my body; I wanted more. He climbed on top of me, I felt his chest moving across my knees, thighs, tummy and back to my breasts. I quivered. I was shaking as I unzipped his jeans. I felt his manliness in my small hand. I was breathing so hard I was shaking from his tongue. He slipped his mouth ontop of mine, and pressed his tongue into my wet mouth; I tasted myself. I felt him,his excited manliness and the dampness of what felt like warm honey across my wrist. I let out a growl. I needed this; whatever it was. I wanted it inside of me. He told me I was evil; That I was sent by the devil; He sucked my neck hungerly. I eased myself upward, because he was much taller than I; He slid his hands under my bottom,I arched my back and spread my legs to him.
Instead of him pressing into my shaking body, I thrust my hips and engulfed him in one push. I felt a searing pain and cried out. I was breathing so hard, I was crying and thrusting my self violently onto him and I dug my nails into his back, and bit at his shoulder. I was thrusting so hard he asked me to slow down, I felt hot and the dampness was feeling profusely more like a river that was running down my legs. He cried out, and I felt a hot pulse and what seemed like a flow of heat and honey that filled my insides. I felt my body and mind split and I felt my insides begin to throb violently. The feeling was like I was on a wave. My stomach felt queasy. He put his mouth onto mine and I sucked at his tongue. I started crying. My make up was running down my face. I was shaking. I think that he realized that this was my first time because of the tears. He reached down and pulled himself out of my hot embrace, he looked at his hand and saw my innocence; in red. He sat next to me, and pulled me up to cradle me. He held me for what seemed like forever. I lay there with my eyes closed, listening to the river and the birds singing. He whispered in my ear that he loved me. That he was mine. As long as I wanted to keep him captive. I had taken him. He did not take me; we stayed by the river, naked in the summer sun until I was rested and calm. I walked over to the river and jumped in. He jumped in as well. We swam and kissed, chased eachother. I locked my legs around him. I felt his stong arms around me. Some need had been fufilled inside of me. But, I knew that it wouldn't last. That as soon as the sun dipped below the mountains; the realization that I may have gotten pregnant, and that because of my wicked hunger, that his life may be wrecked was the reality.We got dressed, and kissed for hours in the truck. It was getting dark. I climbed ontop of him one last time, and engulfed him in my hungry embrace. I squeezed and writhed ontop of him until I felt the hot honey fill my insides. I climbed off, pulled myself together; and buckled my seatbelt. He asked me, "Is that it? So baby, what am I supposed to do? Just go home after all of this?" I told him yes...please just take me home and go home. I didn't mean this in my heart. All the way into town, he kept asking me why. He wanted to run away. He wanted me to go with him.He said he was not happy in his marriage. That today he felt happy, free and he loved me. I told him that reality was, that he was old enough to be my father; reality was, that I just wanted to get my virginity over with. I knew his daughter. Reality was that I had to finish my Senior Project tomorrow and get into a good college. I was skipping class to hang out, to be near him. I was not a woman. I was a girl. I was stupid. I did something really immoral. That I used him. He stopped infront of my house and I climbed out and slammed the door. I ran inside and heard him peel out of the drive. I ran upstairs and screamed, I lay on my bed and cried. I felt like I had died. I screamed until my ears rang. I broke his heart, to avoid my heart being broken. Because I honestly did, and do to this day and always will love him. But, I would not be the cause of pain for an entire family. My lust, I realized could be a means to an end for me. We met up last year after my divorce. I am 31 and he is in his 50's now. We met at a hotel. And made love. It was just as hot and sweet as my first time. This time, I had my eyes open. I looked into his eyes. I saw that he does love me. But somehow, it could never work.
TheLivingDoll TheLivingDoll
31-35, F
Dec 13, 2012