A Whole New Understanding, Kinda.

I stayed up real late watching a live concert on tv last night. I was so amped up and energized I couldn't sleep, at all! I tried exercising to make myself tired but didn't work, I ate a cold bowl of cereal, tried reading...all the usual stuff that puts me to sleep instantly...nothing worked. I decided to sneak out and go for a run on the beach behind my new family's house. I memorized the security code they had taught me how to work the security system so I wouldn't accidentally set it off...so getting out was easy...and it's a big house so I wasnt heard since my bedroom is on the opposite end from everyone else. Went for my run, still not tired or sleepy. @#@#$% !!!! why can't I sleep I kept asking myself...went online wasted another hour. Then I remembered my "Mom" had picked up a new bottle of sleeping pills from the pharmacy yesterday and they might still be in her purse! I could just take one, and bam be sleep in no time. She keeps her purse in the kitchen beside the car key holder...I was very quiet and was looking inside it for the pills when she walked in and caught me. I would have asked her for one if she were awake but I didn't want to wake everyone up just b/c I couldn't sleep. I'm not the type to steal stuff either but now they don't trust me with anything. I spent the last 6 months trying my best to fit in to my new family and make them happy...and they really nice people too. She woke up her husband and they was both yelling at me at 3:30 in the morning in the kitchen. All the yelling woke up everyone else and so the whole family was giving me the disgusted look. I tried to explain, but all they saw was a theif in their house. Now they trust me with nothing. They changed the security code, grounded me for a month, and told me If I'm not in the living room with other people around I have to be in my room or outside. I tried so many times to explain but they would cut me off and say they don't tolerate theives. They were very mad, but it didn't scare me cause I've seen much worse...at least they didn't hit me or kick me. All I wanted to do is go to sleep, not get high or do anything stupid or steal money or car keys or mess with they cell phone. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH this makes me so mad I could rip someone's head off. I worked so hard to gain their trust and be their friend and fit-in...now I wonder if they are having second thoughts about adopting me. Why won't they let me explain? they don't trust me anymore and now I'm trapped in my room just like all the foster families used to do, at least this room don't have alock. Even all 5 of their kids didn't speak to me at all this morning. I thought I had found a good place, but if they won't even listen to me why should I stay? Think I'm going to leave I can't live like this again. I won't be trapped up in a room like an animal again. They rich so they won't even miss me cause they got plenty of distractions and 5 kids. They want to callme a theif and not let me explain, then I'll give them a theif.
-------Ok had planned to run away at this point, some ppl commented on my confession and suggested I write letters saying what really happen and how I feel, so I did, with the intent of running away after leaving the letters.  Here's what happened instead:

I'm the only foster kid they ever had or adopted so I guess with my past history of abuse and bad environments/experiences they thought I was just a bad kid acting good, but they were wrong...Ok so I wrote the letters explaining what happened and also how I won't be treated like a caged animal locked up in my room anymore ever again. I wrote how I really really liked their family and how hard I was working to fit in and do my best in school, trying to trust ppl and possibly make friends, ect. But before that I packed my backpack with some clothes, swim shorts, flashlight, cellphone + charger, $51 dollars I have saved up since I been there (all of my allowance for the past several months), some biscuits, peanutbutter, and a really big fillet knife we use to clean fish on the boat, and my running shoes (I could sell them if I had to like I did in NYC growing up one time). I had a map loaded on my cell phone that I memorized so I could turn it off and take battery out. My plan was to drop the three letters in the kitchen and go out the big doggie door in back onto deck then far away traveling at night. I could buy one dollar menu meal a day for a long time. I had just finished writing the letters and was in the process of putting on my flipflops and shirt when they walked in. I didn't say anything as they walked over to my bed and picked up the letters with their names on it. My "Dad" simply said "sit"...so like a damn dog I sat in the middle of the bed and waited while they read. They were mad I could see it on their faces, but now I knew that they knew I am an action person. If I say I'm leaving, then I'm leaving. After they read their individual letters they exchanged and read the other's letter, weird but ok..still waiting. Then they asked me to explain to them what I was gonna do, so I did. Then we had a very very long talk about my situation, my past--I gave them details they didn't want to hear but needed to know--and how they wanted my future with them to be. Both of them was crying and said they loved me and would never do anything to me like my past experiences. I explained how I didn't like to be touched by anyone at all until I trust them too. I can be very cold and mean if I have to be, and that's what I was the hole time, cold. I didn't cry or get emotional until they let me tell my side of the story...then some of the anger and rage came out but I didn't cry until my twin "sisters" came running in crying telling me to stay and they loved me. I haven't heard that in more than 3 years from anybody. Then I lost it and broke down in front of them again like I did once before early on. I haven't been able to and still can't say "I love you" yet cause I just don't mean it. We had some serious words too about what they expected of me, this time more details than when I first arrived. Pretty soon the whole family was in my small bedroom. Ive never experienced a family setting like this so at times its kinda too much. Now I know exactly how they feel and they know exactly how I feel, so we're good. They kept me out of school today so I could visit the doctor to see if I needed any type of sleeping medication or stuff like that. Oh as punishment I have to mow everyone's grass in my neighborhood on my street when they need it for the next couple months. I acted dissapointed but I really do like mowing grass, but I'm not telling them that. I also have more "jobs" at home now to keep me busy, wash both dogs weekly, wash dry and fold laundry, and I have to cook at least one whole meal a week for everyone (they all do this). This was recommended by my counselor too, we had to visit her today also, they call her my "shrink" LOL, she a doctor too. I have learned alot from this, and so have they. Their kids were always "good" kids so they never seen some of the stuff I do...south Bronx meets south Florida is a real shocker it seems. I'm kinda glad I didn't have to leave...did that before for a just over a week and it sucks after about 4 days...not as bad as being homeless, but almost as bad.
AquilaAqua AquilaAqua
18-21, M
Sep 10, 2012