Abused By Mom And Others

I don't want anyone to view this as a "get back at mom" type of rant.  I just want people to know what I went through as a child, and if this is happening to you, please don't lie down and accept it.  I only wish I could have told a teacher, or a police officer, or someone, so that I would not have had to endure what I did a a child. My mom was very abusive.  She was 18 when she married my dad, who was 19 and divorced by the time I was a year old.  From that point on, I became the subject of her anger.  Not having the balls to lash out at my dad, she took it out on me; threatening to give me up for adoption all to spite my father.  This I was told by my grandad.  She was a welfare mom who was very unstable and off-balance. 

After not being able to take care of ONE child, she foolishly gets pregnant three more times by married men, giving ALL those children away to their dads and one for adoption.  She wouldn't dare give me to my dad.  Noooo, because that wouldn't be painful enough for me.  She wanted ME to suffer; and for years, she made me do just that.

At the age of five, my uncle, mom's brother, molested me for the next four years right under her nose.  She eventually found out about it, and instead of having him arrested, she allowed him to get away Scott free!  Oh, but wait...there's more!  Not only does she do nothing about it; she goes even further and allows this bastard to continue living in the home.  We were living in my grandmother's house.  She told my grandmother, my molester uncle's mom, and she too did nothing about it!  Nothing except continue allowing him to live there, while making me go to bed early any time he came into the house.  Here I am, innocent, being forced to live in my room while this SOB got free reign of the house.  He contined messing around with other young girls in the neighborhood.  One girl I went to h.s. with even came over to the house looking for him because he was messing around with her, lying about his age.  The killer is, he was married while he was cheating on his wife with me, his niece.  Sick bastard!  The average mom would have run a knife through his heart.  Instead, my mom blamed me.  That's right...it was MY fault that I got molested.  She even went so far as to threaten me that if I had gotten pregnant, she would kill me and my baby. 

I can remember times where she would cuss me out and beat me with her fist; calling me ugly and stupid; but I can't even begin to tell you the REASON why she did these things.  She hated me because I was female, and because I was the daughter of the man she loved, but left her because she wanted to scam welfare when my dad was making an honest paycheck.  Most women would KILL to have a man take care of them.  Not my ungrateful mom.  She wanted to spend dad's money, AND scam welfare.  I can remember one time she called me stupid, because I didn't fake injury when my school bus was rear ended by a city bus.  What mom encourages a child to lie to someone else; but demands the truth when she wants to know who stole the last cookie from the cookie jar? I was called b!tches, bastards, MF's, ugly, etc.  She would often threaten to cut off my hair, which was long and pretty, while she was bordeline bald.  I went to school with old hand me down clothes and shoes with holes in them, while she took her earnings and smoked it up.  I remember she and my aunt would smoke pot with me in the back seat of the car; pot that she bought with my school fundraiser money.  You ever sell candy for your school?  Yep...my mom TOOK money from my candy fundraiser envelope and smoked it up; then tried to make me look careless and stupid for leaving the money where anybody could find it.  Oh, I can write an entire book on her craziness. 

But it wasn't all her.  NO, other family members and boyfriends of hers were allowed to beat me as well.  I remember she allowed my other uncle to hold me upside down by my ankles, exposing my rear-end, as he beat me with a belt.  He was drunk, and I don't even know the reason FOR the beating.  I remember her MARRIED baby-daddy, my youngest sister's dad, SITTING his big 300lbs a$$ on me, suffocating me, as he pulled my pants and underwear down, beating my bare behind with an extension cord.  Oh yes...my mother sat back and ALLOWED this, and would often join in. But you know what?  The beauty of it all, is that I GREW up!  When I got older, I was able to tell her what she can do with herself, as well as remind her of all the awful things she said; did; and allowed other people to do and get away with.  The only good thing I can say about my chidhood is, I survived.  I often doubted there was a God, and if there was, why would he allow a CHILD to go through this.  I can also remember my grandmother, who was just as verbally abusive, forcing me to say, "I'm stupid...I'm an idiot" in front of a room full of people.  I mean, do these women deserve Mother Of Year Awards, or not??? My mom of course did what any other person busted and told about themselves would do; she denies everything.  Either that, or she pretends to have amnesia. 

Today, she sits in a nursing home, rotting away.  12 years ago she was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  They operated, and it was a success.  Sadly, she had to undergo a series of chemo and radiation treatments.  Thinking she is the master of her own fate; she decided against the treatments and said, "I'd rather die."  Well, did she think she deserved to get off so easily?  Hell no.  She has spent the past 12 years suffering seizure after seizure; stroke after stroke, hair loss, skin darkening; loss of her voice; and with her mental state, she began to attract the same kind of abusive men that she allowed to abuse me as a child.  Only this time, they abused her.  Now she's in a nursing home, can't walk and in a wheelchair.  Did I wish this upon her?  No.  I hate to see her this way; but I guess that karma has finally made its way back around to her.  I really hate this because by the time I was 18, our relationship had gotten so much better!  She was like my best friend, and I really needed that from her.  I had forgiven all the bad things and we moved forward as the best mother and daughter team there was.  Unfortunately, when she became ill, her mental state worsened, and she started the name calling again.  She would cuss me out so bad; calling me stupid and an unfit mom to my son whom I had given birth to just a few months before her brain operation.  It was nonstop riding me about simple things; and calling me names, making me out to look like I'm a bad mom, when I had no idea where she was getting this from!  I'd ask her something like, "Hey, where's a good place to buy a good quality coat for my son?"  And her response would be so harsh, such as, "WTF do you mean where to buy a coat?  You sound so g**damn stupid!  If you're not the worst F'ing unfit mother!"  One day, I had enough.  I told her, "F you!  You're really sick!"  I managed to get my own apartment so that I could be away from her, and I WANTED her to know that the reason for my move, was because I was sick of her crap!  Even then she tried to control me.  Wanting to "HAVE" my son with her five days a week.  I was SOOOO delighted when the security guards at my apartment would NOT allow her to come up to my place without my consent, because the purpose of moving was to stay clear of her and all of her nonsense!

I guess you're wondering how the beautiful relationship went sour, huh?  Well, it was her illness by the time I was 24.  From age 18-24, we were great!  But you see, when she reverted back to the verbal abuse, due to her illness; MY mind reverted back to when I was a child.  Back then, a parent could do anything to you, and you would still love mommy.  However, as an adult, when someone does the things to you that my mom did, your attitude becomes, "F YOU!"  You're not as forgiving as a five year old child would be.  To this day, I have nothing but anger in my heart for what she did to me and what she allowed others to do.  For YEARS, I was fine.  I held it in; may have even blocked it out; but as recent as maybe a year ago, it started coming out and I can't contain it.  I'm starting to have dreams of my molester uncle, that I didn't have before.  In my dreams he's trying to molest me, but this time, I'm a grown up, and I'm cussing and fighting.  Same with my mom.  In my dreams she's still attacking me because of HER choices in men; but I attack back; screaming and yelling at her for what she did! What do these dreams mean? I know this may sound cruel, but I don't think I would be able to shed a tear if I suddenly got the phone call that my mom passed away.  I wish her the best and I hope she makes peace with God.  Other than that, I have nothing much to say about my feelings towards her.  I don't hate her; but I can't honestly say I have all this crazy love for her either.  I'll send her birthday and Christmas gifts, but that's about it.