Working With The Mind

I realized that the surest way to combat depression is to stay busy. It's the switch of focus in the mind that makes us switch states.
I recently came down from a manic episode. I felt depressed for quite a while. I felt like my inner world was destroyed by the system with stereotypical notions of what's normal and what's "appropriate". I was force-treated with anti-psychotics.  I realized that what I am feeling right now, is that everything is just ordinary. It's hard to face after feeling high.  So I had to stay busy to constantly feed my mind, as its own entertainment function is gone down. I felt like my inner show business died.
One person told me that that's what defines extraverts and introverts. Introverts have very loud inner voice which makes them retreat in their own world and be more with themselves, while extraverts have this inner voice very low, so they need something from the outside to form their entertainment.
After I started taking meds, that's basically what's happened. My inner voice went down and I urgently need to replace it with outside activity.  Just needed to become an extravert.
Today went through my journals and notes from the past and found my notes of my art therapist's advices: "You have to feed the artist inside. Otherwise he would starve. Everyday pay attention to visually stimulating details or otherwise stimulating details and write them down (beautiful things, pieces of music that you liked, visiting an expo you liked, someone said something you liked, etc). It's true. We don't feed our mind and suffocate it with idleness. That's where all this depression comes from. Actually when I started back then recording my stimulating impressions of the day , at one point, being in a bad bad mood, I took out my notebook and got flooded with good memories I wrote there. I felt so good, as if i gave an injection of good things to my mind. Basically, when we're down, we just focus on bad things, and get a compilation of bad memories to accompany the main course of depression.
These days I needed to drastically change habits and ways of living. While manic, I could sit for hours and listen to my mind narrate interesting stories, very vivid and epic sometimes. I was the main character. Now I have to stuff my head with other people's stories, to feel I am not alone feeling down. Even though I overcame the main crisis of the comedown, I still have bad mood sometimes, and at times I feel lonely and useless .
I feel I have this energy I want to channel into good things, but no one needs me. I feel I have help to offer, but no one asks. I feel I could have done so much more than I do now.  Today I got angry at all this. I tell myself: I want to accomplish this and that. My mind says: "nah..." I start to analyse this "nah"... What images come up? I am seeing the disorder and clutter in my room come to the surface. So I thought : there you go! Recently I read about feng shui and how it affects our lives. I agressively cleaned so much clutter today, and now I feel my eyes have a place to rest while I am in my room typing this.
Yeah, all lies in focus...
One thing that really helps me these days are music, the experience project, art, youtube, the movie "The Secret", self-help audios and my sister. I also have a psychologist that I am seeing tomorrow.
I hope people with depression will overcome it soon and will believe in themselves. Even the most amazing people get depressed sometimes and anyone who feels the most unloved and lonely can think of himself as of a star that needs help before life's real fireworks start.

foxonline foxonline
26-30, F
3 Responses Jul 21, 2010

I just want you to know that your blog hit a nerve in me today and I felt more hopeful than I have in a long time. Thank you very much. I look forward to reading it every day.

Thank you for the encouragement. I will try to be more positive as much as I can. :) God bless you.

nice to hear this story even if it may be not so nice. because you are not alone. i am kind of lonely myself, ive been lonely for a long time and have problems with connecting people because i am afraid of what i could say that it may hurt me or someone else. its like my inner voice doesnt want to be heard on the outside, this happens every time i am around people, when i am alone i feel like i am more real or more confident with my surroundings or that i am safe. i dont know if it is because i am selfish, but in my life i have tried being good or help others and say what they want to hear, but that really made me exhausted because i should say what i mean and not what other people would like to hear. if you know what i mean. also i was depressed for some time and i got these pills that was going to help me get out of the depression. i got one pack, followed the documentation, i felt this gray area in my head, it was strange and i did not like it.. but after i finished the first and only pack i didnt hear from the doctor, i thought he would help me and ask me about how i feeled but he didnt, i didnt know what to do, i felt helpless, i didnt contact him either because i lacked energy to go there (i been to him alot of times before that) and since i am poor and dont have alot of money i didnt ask for more pills (that also one reason), i was afraid that i wouldnt be able to pay my bills and all that. also i was kind of against using pills (for my own good) that have been manufactured in laboratories, because i was afraid i may make things worse for me. i didnt want to be a pill addict, i wasnt sure the doctor knew what problems i had, that all i needed was to talk to someone. i tried the pills just because my relative wanted me to do it.. but after finishing the first pack i stopped as i said, and after several months later i started to feel better, i started to not think too much, and do little things, like appreciate the little things in my life even when i felt alone, i still do. also sometimes talk to a person i know, or just be with a person helps alot even if i dont say anything (or too much) i just try listen and be around that person. maybe a person you love in family that you dont see too often or havent seen in a long time. watching a movie can be ok, even a movie you've seen many times before that you like. because every time you watch a movie the experience is not the same. you may just think some own thoughts about that movie that doesnt have to be anything about the movie at all, but make your own fantasy around it, like being a little creative instead of just follow the movie from A to Z. apart from that try listen too your mind, your thoughts, what is it that you really want? do you want to feel relaxed, confident etc.. do you want to be with friends and have a good time? try and cherish those thoughts even if you think its impossible, like it is a dream or something, i mean a dream or thought about good things is what is imporant, then just think about those thoughts, let them in, let them flow inside of you (if you cant feel it just appreciate that you atleast feel something) and dont think negative about them like you will never be able to do that or experience that etc. because your good thoughts are your own and nobody can take them away from you, and its better to think about something nice than to not think at all. and not push it either, sometimes just let time do the job, dont rush things, dont be stressed. stress doesnt solve anything. and if you have a good thought and you speak about them, but someone are saying bad things about your thoughts, then you should not take that opinion seriously because that person may have misinterpreted you or you may have not said it clear enough to that person so its better to leave it that way and forget it, but remember that your thought is the right one if it is the good one. bad thoughts are the opposite, ive experienced that myself. if i tell a bad thought to a person then this person may say something that changes this thought to something positive. but this may not be true for all persons, i dont know. its a really complicated topic and i am not a social person (or atleast i dont tend to be it on the outside). i am like overanalysing things and it may not be too good. anyway. i am not an expert, i am talking from my own experiences. and i hope you get a better future if you read this, i hope all gets well. time heals i think, even if it may go slow, its better to feel that its going in the right direction. for me its going in the right direction i am thinking about that every day. :)