My Dark CompanionYes I have, but that doesn't mean my troubles are over. But for once I'm okay with that.
Will it come back? Am I slipping into again now without realising? I don't know. I don't think I'm going down again. If you've been to the very bottom surely anything slightly better than that looks great. So could I still be in it but don't know because it just looks better than before? Again I don't think so, but these questions do float around my head. I try not to dwell on them though.
Do you want to know what saved me? My guinea pigs. Perhaps that's surprising to some people. I don't know where I'd be without them, and even though I only have one of them left now they still push me on. Animals are so innocent and beautiful. How could I think of leaving a world filled with such fantastic creatures? My guinea pigs needed me to take care of them. I knew all about guinea pigs; I knew if something was wrong or if everything was great and wonderful with them. Nobody else I lived with knew that stuff. They relied on me, and I on them. They'd been abandoned in the past and I had rescued them. They too had been hurt but there they were living their lives. They didn't give up so neither could I.
Was it really as simple as that? I'm I remembering it correctly? The depressed me seems like a completely different person now. I think so differently now it's hard for me to remember how I used to be even though it wasn't that long ago. It's like I have amnesia; my brain doesn't want me to remember how I used to think and feel because that could lead me from simply reminiscing to returning. It's odd. And quite frustrating sometimes. I feel as if I'm not allowed to think about it or talk to people with it. I'm that person that will say "It will get better. Trust me."; that phrase that never helped me.
In a way I sort of miss it. I had it for so long, so many years, that it became my companion instead of my enemy. My soul is free from it now but it is still healing from the wounds inflicted upon it. I'm learning how to live without that dark companion.
I will never be one of those really cheery, bubbly, upbeat and constantly happy people. That's just not who I am, but I'm also not depressed, and that makes me smile.
UnseenBlossom 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 Dec 23, 2010