Life Is Too Short.

I remember those days... it was a dark period of my life.

I remember lying on my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling wondering what was wrong with me. The alarm setting off, I couldn't be bothered to get up, so I let it rang for a few minutes until I forcefully rolled myself out of bed and onto the floor as I carried my duvet down with me. I laid at the floor, tangled around my duvet with the alarm still ringing. In an hour I had school but I had no motivation to go to it, however I knew that I had to go. The alarm started to annoy me, so I closed it. I picked up the first clothing from my cupboard and dressed myself up. I was often scruffy and I didn't care how I looked. I brushed my teeth, ate my breakfast and my father took me to school.

I spent majority of my lessons sat beside the window alone, staring out of the window or doodling in my note book. Never did I bother listening to my teachers as I couldn't concentrate. I was very happy when it rained because no one will be outside and I enjoyed huddling beneath my umbrella without having to make eye contact with people. I was very paranoid of people, every whisper I assumed they were talking about me (I had trust issues). Often I skipped my lessons and wander around the streets, I didn't want my parents to know I was skipping class. Sometimes I hid in the local library and end up doodling in my notepad. I just wanted to be alone and I wanted to disappear.

As I walked home, every car or person that passed by me, I completely panicked. I was in fact terrified of being out in the public... I didn't trust anyone at all. Once I entered my house, I felt safe. I slowly dragged myself to my room exhausted. As I laid on the floor again, I looked out of the window and watch the fleeting clouds pass by the clear blue sky. My days were very much like the clouds, I was just fleeting through life, living the same day-to-day life, not doing anything about the problem because I was so scared. I felt like crying as I look at the clouds because they were so beautiful too. You can hear children laughing through the windows as they cheerfully played on the sunny day. That is how it should be like. Life is too pretty to give up on and I was making my life miserable and meaningless. No one can save me. Only I can.

I went on days where I didn't talk to anyone, but I realized only I can fix my own problems... I had to talk. I suffered depression approximately between the age of 15-19. It was an illness that wasn't very clear to me, with no support from family or friends, it was hard. For the last 2 years it was severe that I cried so many nights. I realized life is too short, from then on I was determined to get my life back together... I did the opposite of what I didn't want to do and I talked, I had to talk! I couldn't remain mute forever, it's very inhuman-like. I got away from the negative environment, and even if things didn't work out, I kept trying. Eventually although it took time I've overcame it.

I think trying is the only key to success.
dokkyo dokkyo
Oct 17, 2011