Life Story

 

I think I need to explain the process of going down emotionally, and list some of the dysfunctional thoughts and how I got them. I will not talk about all of my problems because it will take too long. I will talk mostly about my dad which was probably 50% of my problems. If I had a loving father, I don’t think I would have been depressed and my life would have been much easier. I’ll start when I was in the 1st and 2nd grade. I had trouble learning. My dad would tutor me, more like torture me. I couldn’t learn from him and after a few minutes he would start hitting me until I would cry. This happened too many times. I can still feel the pain. (b) Now, I was in 6th grade and it was the day to get shots for potential diseases. One class room at a time would go to the cafeteria and get their shots. My teacher and classmates were waiting our turn. My teacher got bored waiting so she drew a large picture of an arm with a hypodermic needle sticking in it. When it was my time to go to the cafeteria I had tremendous fear and refused to go. I have had this fear all of my life. When I was in the military I stole a stamp used for shot records and faked my shot records the rest of my time in the military. One of the therapists I saw 10 years ago sent me to an acupuncturist to try needles. It didn’t work. When all the needles were in me I had a panic attack and had a vision of my dad beating me. © I had a girl friend in 6th grade and walked her home every day. My dad said he did not trust me with girls and I was not allowed to see her again. I have had a fear of women ever since. (d) When I was in high school, my grades went down. My dad was paranoid about good grades. I got so many beatings over my grades I can’t count. For most of the 4 years, at 5:30 after supper I was sent to my room for the rest of the night to do homework and study. When report cards came out, I would panic. I would change some of the grades on the card and hand it to my dad. I can still feel the fear now. (e) One of the worst things he did was he would fight with my mom in the middle of the night and then come in my room, wake me up , and then beat me in the face. I have trouble sleeping ever since. One time he was sitting on top of me and kept beating me in the face until I passed out. My dad was almost always angry. (f) The best time I ever had with my dad, actually the only good time, was crabbing in a row boat with my brother and my dad. My dad only got angry that day 4 or 5 times, but I enjoyed getting the crabs and eating them. (g) My dad would look for the good in me and put me down. My hobby was anything electrical or electronic. He criticized me many times and told me I knew nothing. I did build model airplanes, but he was a pilot in WWII and he never put me down for it.   (h) I had some very good friendships. When my friendship with other boys got too friendly, he would say you can’t see him any more. (I) I worked at a gas station when I was in high school. He would not buy his gas there because he said I would forget to put the gas cap back on. (j) When it was time to get my driver’s license, he was my instructor. It was awful. The only time I remember talking back to my dad. I got my license, but he would not let me drive. He said I wasn’t good enough and I needed insurance and he would not help me with the money. My dad always had money. I bought a car anyway and kept it at the gas station where I worked. I felt I would not get caught there because he never went there. My mom forced him to get gas at my station once. I thought my dad was all bad and my mom was all good. (k) Sometime when I was about 14 or 15 and I was in my room. (every day after supper I was in my room). My brother was playing outside under my window. I was on the second floor. My brother was playing outside because he got good grades in school. He was never told to study. In fact, he almost never studied. He did his homework in school. He got straight A’s and later got a PhD. He now has a high position in the FDA. I was being punished and my brother was great in my dad’s eyes. I dropped a brick on my brother’s head. I don’t know what happened because I erased the memory in my mind. About 8 years ago my brother’s son committed suicide. After the funeral my brother reminded me what I had done. I told him I forgot and he grabbed my hand and make me feel the bump on his head. (l) About 10 years ago my dad died. Some of the people there were not sad he died. I cried loudly the whole funeral. (m) After I finished high school I wanted to get out of there so I went into the military. It didn’t take me long to think military people were like my dad. There were bosses all over the place. I fought the bosses for 4 years. I got picked on and disciplined many times by my bosses. I had a bad attitude toward them. For punishment I washed aircraft. Greased all the grease fittings on B52s. All kinds of cleaning and work details. I refused to wear a particular hat and my shop chief sent me to Goose Bay Labrador for 1 year. I was married about the same time. (n) My wife had enfant babies from a prior relationship. GooseBay was a very isolated place and GI’S were not allowed to live down town with local Canadians. I sent for my wife and babies and did it anyway. I got caught and reported up the chain of command. Each officer told me to send my wife home. I refused. I got up as high as the 2nd in command at the base. To my amazement he let my wife stay. (o) I hated my new shop chief , my boss, and he hated me. He put me on all kinds of stand by in the middle of the night. When I left GooseBay he apologized to me for this, but I would not accept his apology. I did get in trouble once when the base commander said I was speeding. I got stopped at the main gate and was not allowed to drive on base for 2 months. Revenge happens when you buck the system in the military. (p) When I got out of the military they sent me home to a base in the states to get discharged. It took a couple of days and the last day I drove my car around the base and when I would see an officer I would stop my car, give him the finger and curse at him. I hated officers. (q) I went to electronics school for a year then moved my family to California. The 2nd job went well and I got promoted to a manager. At the same time my wife was having an affair with the next door neighbor. I asked the guy to come over to the house and I gave him a black eye. My wife did not want to live with me anymore. I begged her for days to come back to me. She did, but she would never willing say she was sorry for the affair. My self worth went way down. We moved to northern California and I had kids and a few jobs. ® I developed a co-dependency relationship with my wife. Then I started getting depressed. I had trouble at work. Would always give the bosses trouble. I went and saw therapist and he said the trouble was with my wife. I had erased my wife’s affair from my memory and did not know the affair happened. The therapist told me the truth and I was mad at my wife for about 2 months. (s) When my daughter was 12 years old she got raped by a neighbor. Her personality completely changed and she would not stay at home. I would chase her down and take her home, but she would not stay home very long. Bringing her home involved driving thousands of miles. My wife cried every day for 6 months. My daughter’s life would take too long to explain. She had broken marriages, was a prostitute in San Francisco. She got hepatitis C, had trouble with her kids, jail time, drug addiction, you name it. I had some trouble beating my kids up when they would not stop fighting and I beat my daughter once. I cannot tell you how bad I felt inside that I did the same thing my dad did. One time my daughter came home and took her 3 year old sister away for a week end. (t) The policeman assigned to the case told me I must be a bad parent. We were frantic. We had no idea where the baby was. (u) In 1989 my house fell off its post and pier foundation and moved 81/2 feet during a 7.2 earthquake. My family was inside. I was outside and my wife was at work. My son was on his way to go under the house to get his clothes out of the drier. One of the grand kids (23 months old) was outside right next to the house. My daughter and her 11 month old were in a chair next to the china cabinet. At the moment of the earthquake my daughter jumped up from the chair and grabbed the baby just as the china cabinet fell onto the chair. The stone fireplace imploded onto my daughter and the baby. Neither were hurt except for a few cuts and bruises. The 23 month old fell into where the house used to be, but was unhurt. The house was almost un-repairable, but we did get it repaired. My emotions were as bad as ever. I talked excessively every day about the quake to every one. The one good part was people wanted to listen (with depression people do not want to listen and they do not understand.) After talking about it constantly for six months, I got sick of talking and the earth quake emotional problem just stopped. During that 6 month period I had 2 hallucinations that I was in an earth quake. They both looked absolutely real. Buildings breaking, ground rolling like swells in the ocean, but no sound. A couple of years later my depression was worse. I was ready to quit my job and check into a hospital for good. Though the years I had been in many psychiatrist’s chairs. (v) While on vacation in YellowstonePark I had been fighting all day with my wife. We were at an over look at the park at a giant water fall. I stood there looking down with my wife next to me. I wanted to jump over the rail and I almost did. I thought my wife was going to jump too. I grabbed my wife and left the area. (w) My thoughts and feelings got worse and worse. I would only talk to 1 or 2 people at work. I thought everyone was my enemy, out to get me. People at work would judge my emotions and not trust my work or my judgment on manufacturing problems. Most of my career was in manufacturing electronics. I was excellent as an electronics technician. I trouble shot circuit boards and interfaced with engineering on design problems . I knew almost everything about manufacturing. I was a supervisor some of the time, but would almost always turn down a permanent supervisor position. I had a bad attitude and hated bosses. Because of my dysfunction 50% of the people were against me and 50% were for me. I hated that 50% and my bitterness slowly changed that percentage to 95% against and 5% for me. They let me have power because I had answers for problems. Design problems were very important and I did a good job taking care of them. (x) I treated my boss poorly. Just before he was hired I had been offered his position, but I turned it down. I hated him and he hated me. New products would come out all the time and just before one would come out I would go to my supervisor, tell him all the potential problems and what he should do about them. He was so angry with me he would not take my advise. After all the problems happened like I said I went back in my boss’s office and asked him why he did not take my advice and told him he was stupid for not taking my advice. This same thing happened over and over again. My boss wanted to kill me and I hated him. I was afraid and angry at every one. When I would go some where that required talking my wife would do the talking. It seemed like every one was angry with me. Even the super market check out person gave me anxiety. Especially women. In line I would worry about the check out person. I would miss social events because of the stress of meeting and talking to people. (y) I only felt comfortable around poor, uneducated, unpopular or retarded people, or children. At my parents home my mom was afraid to save me from my dad. She never rescued me from my dad or ever said anything . And she never consoled me or hugged me.         Before I start the process of going up, I would like to list all the wrong thoughts and the correct right thoughts from this letter. I will start from the beginning of the letter and go to the end. (a) Wrong thought: I am not very smart. Most kids are better than me. There is something wrong with me. If there wasn’t something wrong with me, he wouldn’t hit me. (a) Right thought: I might be a little slow, but with some compassion and a little loving help, I would do better. I did not deserve to be hit. (b) Wrong thought: I can never take a shot. I will never over come my fear. I have had doctors and orderlies hold me down for a shot when I was a kid and they will do it again. (b) Right thought: Other people have this problem. I will over come this some day. © Wrong thought: I can not trust myself. There is something wrong with girls. If my dad could not trust me, how could I trust myself? © Right thought: My dad should have taught me about sexuality and trusted me. He should have met my girl friend and trusted her. (d) Wrong thought: Parents hate you when you get bad grades. Because I am slow, I will never pass. I deserve to be punished. (d) Right thought: My dad is going over board about my grades. Trying to motivate a child with fear is wrong. A good parent has compassion when a child has trouble. If I was allowed to go back a grade like the school wanted, it would have been easier. My dad should not complain when a child is doing the best he can. A good tutor would have helped. (e) Wrong thought: No one could stop my dad. You can’t trust adults. Everyone has uncontrollable anger. I am weak. I should be able to take it. (e) Right thought: My mom’s brothers would have been able to stop my dad.  They loved my mom and they were strong construction workers. You can trust most adults. For my age I was very strong. No one my age would have been able to take that kind of abuse. (f) Wrong thought: Nothing wrong. (f) Right thought: I handled my emotions very well that day. (g) Wrong thought: It is wrong to feel good when I do right or accomplish something. (g) Right thought: It is right for me to feel good when I do right or accomplish something. (h) Wrong thought: I do not know what I am doing wrong, but it must be me. (h) Right thought: I was doing nothing wrong. My dad was jealous of my friend.     (I) Wrong thought: I forget things sometimes so I cannot be trusted. (I) Right thought: Everyone sometimes forgets, but it does not mean they cannot be trusted. (j) Wrong thought: Do not ever talk back to your dad. I am not a good enough driver. It is OK to do things wrong behind your dad’s back. (j) Right thought: It is Ok to talk back if you do it respectfully without anger and saying you could be wrong. It is never right to do wrong behind your dad’s back. (k) Wrong thought: It was my brother’s fault that my dad hated my grades. If my brother was not around my dad would love me. (k) Right thought: My brother had nothing to do with my dad’s dislike for me. (l) Wrong thought: No wrong thought (l) Right thought: My dad was never going to love me and I needed to get over it. (m) Wrong thought: My work related bosses were just like my dad. (m) Right thought: My bosses were nothing like my dad and I was disobedient and angry at the wrong person. (n) Wrong thought: Military officers were out to get me and hated my family. (n) Right thought: I was rebelling and should expect to get punished. (o) Wrong thought: When someone wrongs you, do not let them apologize, they do not deserve it. (o) Right thought: Apology is the highest form of “I am sorry” there is . I would have felt better if I had accepted it. (p) Wrong thought: Revenge against all officers would make me feel better. (p) Right thought: I need to forgive all officers. (q) Wrong thought: I did something wrong and I deserve to be cheated on. (q) Right thought: I did nothing wrong to deserve this and I would have been able to forgive her much easier if she apologized to me. ® Wrong thought: My wife talking for me helps. ® Right thought: You need to talk for yourself. If you do not, you will get a dysfunction. (s) Wrong thought: When your kid screws up, tell them how they screwed up before you help them. (s) Right thought: Do not tell your kid they screwed up. They already know. Do not help them too much, or they will not learn from their mistakes. (t) Wrong thought: I was a bad parent. (t) Right thought: I did the best I could in a bad situation. (u) Wrong thought: There is never going to be and end to my trouble. I must be doing something wrong in my life. (u) Right thought: I have never been helped more in my life. I got help from my parents, my work, my wife’s work, the state, the IRS, neighbors, God, strangers, friends, and the church. (v) Wrong thought: suicide is an answer for your problems. (v) Right thought: I experienced bad things in my life, but I also experienced good things. My life has value and it is an insult to God and myself to commit suicide. (w) Wrong thought: Most people do not want me to succeed. (w) Right thought: When your emotions are screwed so bad, people have trouble trusting your judgment on anything even if your are good at work. (x) Wrong thought: People hate me for no good reason. When I have good advise they reject it. (x) Right thought: People rarely take advice from someone who hates you or humiliates you. It is only natural. (y) Wrong thought: Smart people are bad people and cannot be trusted. The strong always oppress the weak. (y) Right thought: Smart or educated people are not any worse than anyone else. When you stand up for yourself, people will not take advantage of you. Every person has 2 thought lives. The outer thought life and the inner thought life. The outer thought life is controlled by other people and their expectations. An example is the way you act at work. If you do not act rightly at work, you will be fired. I don’t need to explain all the good actions an employee needs to have to stay employed and to get a raise and promotion. Neither do I need to say what it takes to be fired. We all know it. We force ourselves to be good and it pays off. The inner thought life is the opposite. No one sees what we think. We can act out in our mind what ever we want. No one forces us to be good. We can think whatever we want. If we hate someone, we can imagine all sorts of bad things happening to them. We can imagine us hurting them. Our thought could go all the way to us killing them with a knife. We will try not to dwell on that too long because we know it is wrong. We punish people in our mind, but we don’t want to be the bad guy to do it. But we can slander, gossip, look for their faults. Judge them and their friends and not have much guilt doing it. The best way to put that person down without you feeling guilty is to distort your thoughts. If you bend the truth a little you can really hate that person a lot more and feel justified. You can spend hours going over and over how you hate someone and feel justified. In fact, if you do it over and over you feel justified even more. You can do this with groups of people. Example, gays, welfare people, emigrants, minorities, rich people, people who don’t like you. If you were abused, you can do it with anyone, for no reason. The bad part is your mind knows you are doing this and your mind will attack you and say bad things about you. Add to the fact that your thoughts and feelings come up automatically and you act on them. Your inner mind is now your worst enemy. Woe is you. This behavior can be stopped. When you get mistreated in you life, this is the way you get back. The only problem is it does more damage to you than anyone else. Most people do what they feel. If your feelings (inside thoughts) are messed up, your life will be screwed up. People act on their inside thoughts. Your inside thoughts are automatic. You cannot turn them off. An example of this is music. Music will automatically generate thoughts and feelings. A policeman pulling you over will do the same thing. Since the inside thoughts cannot be turned off, if your are severely depressed, you must ignore them. In fact, all of them. This is difficult, but it can be done. You will learn to ignore the thoughts, but will still get the bad feelings that come with it. Usually, they will fade away. Sometimes it will take an hour or two. Allow new thoughts to go back in your heart one by one. But only after you change and approve them. This whole process could take 2 years. The right thought might need to be repeated many times before it will stay in you. When your inside thoughts & feelings are right, it takes no effort to run your life right and be happy. When you run your life only with outside thoughts, it takes constant effort. You probably will not feel much happiness until the inside thoughts are reprogrammed. If You 1. If you hate yourself, other people will hate you. 2. If you love yourself, other people will love you. 3. If you don’t trust yourself, other people will not trust you. 4. If you don’t stand up for yourself, people will take advantage of you. 5. If you treat yourself poorly, people will treat you poorly. 6. If you treat yourself high, other people will treat you high. 7. If you act like you don’t know what you are doing, people will think you do not know what you are doing. 8. If you act like you can be taken advantage of, people will. 9. If you have no compassion. You will get no compassion. 10. If you are not friendly, you will have no friends. 11. If you talk about your problems too much, people will run from you. 12. If you vent fully all your anger, you are a fool. 13. If you reap what you sow, you will get back what you give. 14. If you have emotional problems, people will not trust you. 15. If people do not understand you, they will think you are crazy. 16. If you complain too much, people will not listen. 17. If you perceive something wrong, you will act on it wrong. 18. If you admit your faults people will like you more. 19. If you get caught doing bad behavior, there is more of a chance you will do something about it. 20. If you look at the bad inside you, you will be better off only if you deal with it, cope with it, or let it go. 21. If you do not know why you feel bad, your are not looking at your thoughts. 22. If you look at reality, you will be less depressed than pessimistic or optimistic thinking 23. If wrong thoughts got you depressed, right thoughts can get you un-depressed. 24. If you expect too much, you will never be satisfied. 25. If you want to be bad, you must alter your thinking process. If you want to be good, you must have good thoughts. 26. If you want to be a winner, you need winning thoughts. 27. If you have a particular problem, you can be sure many other people have had it too. 28. If you treat other people poorly, you probably treat yourself worse. 29. If you get treated unfairly, join the crowd everyone gets treated unfairly. 30. If you race in the wrong direction, you will get no where fast. 31. If you have bitter envy and selfish ambition, you will never succeed. 32. If you fight and quarrel, that means you want something and don’t get it. Maybe you don’t need it. You only want it. 33. If you have someone abusing you, that means they don’t love you. 34. If you have no love, you are nothing. 35. If you have sexual immorality, you are hurting yourself and the other person. 36. If you are not very sorry about a bad behavior, it will never change. 37. If you think too high of yourself, it will cause you trouble. 38. If you think too low of yourself, it will cause you trouble. 39. If you think most things are black or white, it will cause you trouble because most things are gray. 40. If you acknowledge the truth about yourself or someone else, you will have more peace not less. 41. If you make progress and praise yourself, it is the perfect thing to do to get better. It does not need to be big. Any progress will do. Learn To 1. Learn to forgive everyone, including yourself. 2. Learn to accept and give love. 3. Learn to stick up for yourself. 4. Learn to not be taken advantage of. 5. Learn to fight fair. 6. Learn to accept criticism without falling apart. 7. Learn to control yourself when trouble come. 8. Learn to how to learn from trouble so when it happens again, you will know what to do. 9. Learn how to accept people and not judge. 10. Learn how to accept yourself and judge yourself gently with compassion. 11. Learn how to deal with anger so it won’t hurt you or others. 12. Learn how to identify what bothers you most. 13. Learn how to identify who’s fault it is and how to let it go. 14. Learn how to confront someone without anger, make your point and ask them to help you let it go. 15. Learn how to be happy with yourself. 16. Learn to find the good in yourself and other people. 17. Learn how to walk in the other person’s shoes so you can understand their point of view. 18. Learn how to connect with people. 19. Learn how to tame the tongue 20. Learn how to deal honestly with your problems. 21. Learn how to have compassion and empathy 22. Learn to have discipline. 23. Learn your moods. What affects it and the thoughts behind it. 24. Learn to identify your problem areas. 25. Learn not to complain. It feels good, but makes you worse. 26. Learn to not feel sorry for yourself. 27. Learn to not be critical of yourself or other people. 28. Learn you will reap what you sow. 29. Learn to acknowledge all the good in you and other people. 30. Learn to be content with what you have. 31. Learn to stop when you are out of control and let yourself cool off for a day or two before you act on it. 32. Learn to not have victim mentality. 33. Learn to never put yourself down. 34. Learn to praise yourself and other people when you do good. 35. Learn it is OK to talk back if it is done respectfully without anger. 36. Learn not to blame other people for your problem. 37. Learn to let go of the things you cannot change. 38. Learn to accept and give an apology. 39. Learn that revenge will make you feel worse in the long run. 40. Learn that you cannot please everyone. 41. Learn your destructive thinking pattern. 42. Learn not to be a perfectionist. 43. Learn all your inside thoughts, how they affect you, what triggers them, how they make you feel and how they make others feel. 44. Learn to program our mind for success rather than failure. 45. Learn to over come our fear. 46. Learn not to be afraid of people. 47. Learn not to be afraid of failure. 48. Learn that you can only control yourself. 49. Learn that controlling other adults is not love. 50. Learn that good is always better than bad. 51. Learn that good is more powerful than bad. 52. Learn and examine all the good in you and other people. And, be happy for it. 53. Learn that your basic personality is wonderful. 54. Learn all the untapped goodness inside you. 55. Learn to be thankful for every good thing in your life. 56. Learn that God himself loves you the most and is knocking on your door waiting to help you. 57. Learn that every bad thought can have a counter thought. For example, my dad does not love me. Counter thought, he does not love himself. That is why he cannot love someone else or when he lashes out in anger his hurt inside is worse than mine. 58. Learn that most valuable lessons in life are often learned after suffering. The following is a chart I found on the internet some time ago. I don’t remember the author, but the site was http://eqi.org/cnfs.htm Negative Feelings Dignity/Respect/Self-Worth
Ashamed, Beaten down, Cut down, Criticized,Dehumanized, Disrespected, Embarrassed, Humiliated, Inferior, Insulted, Invalidated, Labeled, Lectured to, Mocked, Offended, Put down, Resentful, Ridiculed, Stereotyped, Teased, Underestimated

Freedom/Control
Bossed around, Controlled, Imprisoned, Inhibited,  Forced, Manipulated,  Obligated, Over-controlled,  Over-ruled,  Powerless, pressured, Restricted, Traapped

Love/Connection/Importance
Abandoned, Alone, Brushed off, Confused, Disapproved of, discouraged, Ignored, insignificant, Invisible, left out, Lonely, Misunderstood, Neglected, Rejected, Uncared about, Unheard, Unknown, Unimportant, Uninformed, Unloved, Unsupported, Unwanted

Justice/Truth
Accused, Cheated,Falsely accused, Guilt-tripped, Interrogated, Judged, Lied about, Lied to, Misled Punished, Robbed

Safety
Abused, Afraid, Attached, Frightened, Over-protected, Scared, Terrified, Threatened, Under-protected, Unsafe, Violated

Trust
Cynical, Guarded, Skeptical, Suspicious, Untrusted, Untrusting

I wish you the very best getting un-depressed. Only some progress is needed to get started. You will be pleasantly surprised one day when the depression will lift. All the work will be worth it and the fear of being depressed again will also go.
fernjim fernjim
61-65
Jul 15, 2009