The Inury Has Stopped, The Urge Continues...

Just for warning, my story get's kind of detailed and morbid, my apologies...

I have been cutting myself for almost two years. At first they were shallow and small, but they got worse in time. My cutting was more planned than spontaneous at first, I had supplies nearby to bandage myself, made sure it was in a hidden spot on my body, and always made sure it was shallow enough that I didn't need stitches. Soon the shallow cuts weren't enough, and they got deeper. I tried to stop cutting, but with no other coping method, I began to get horrible anxiety attacks. In my fits of anxiety I might have held my hands against my throat, and sqeezed, somehow it calmed me down. If it wasn't that, I would grab a knife, and not caring where it was or how deep, I'd slice away.

I hear all the time, from doctors included, that most people "cut because the pain is better than the emotional pain they feel". This was never the case with me, I knew it hurt, but what the satisfcation was for me was the blood. When I saw the blood poor from my body, I felt release, I felt relief, even for just a moment. It was in these anxiety attacks that I would cut and cut until I was satisfied with the blood.

My parents had to step in, because they found out, and it was the pain in their eyes, knowing that I did this to myself, that finally pushed me to really try to stop. The urges still come though... but now I look at it as if my depression is winning over me. I am fighting my depression, and everytime I cave in to the urges, it's winning. When I fight the urges, I use another, healthier coping method, I have won. And I must keep on winning until this depression is squashed, and the urges are gone.
kateegirl kateegirl
22-25, F
2 Responses May 17, 2012

I truly believe you can do it !! you have enough bravery for one to write this letter and 2 you have enough bravery to cut. Percentages are if you ask someone point blank to cut themselves they wont cause it hurts and they chicken out. I truly belive you can beat this. I would lke to add you as a friend and if you ever need any help or wanna chat about anything in the whole wide world just PM me and I will get back to you asap. PROMISE. Good luck and hope to be you friend soon.

I have posted pretty much these exact words. I cut and the blood is like liquid relief, All the pain, stress,anxiety,self disappointment and anger just flow out of me. The trouble with all this is that its like any pill you can take. It wears off if you don't keep administering it. I researched alot on this and found that the bleeding releases endorphin's and that is what makes it seem like the cutting is making you feel better. I haven't cut in 2 months and understand the family thing all too well. You should be proud but also should understand that what we do affects you long term. I had to buy all long sleeve shirts since my arms have become too much of a conversation topic. Dont make permanent scars for short term depression. Depression can go away, scars are a bit harder to get rid of. Be strong and perservere

thak you so much, it's good to hear that someone else feels the way i do, and an interesting fact about the blood. i'm glad you're doing better! <3

You too kiddo, theres plenty of others that feel this way so dont be ashamed. just find a better way.