Psalm 31

I looked at railway lines figuring out the best way of lying across them to get instant death.  I stockpiled Brufen.  I wondered if the most painless way would be to drink myself stupid and then go up into the mountains on a stormy day and get hypothermia.  On my holiday in the Lake District, Cumbria, this was an attractive option.  But I was afraid, as a believer in God and an afterlife, of going to Hell.  All I thought about was how I could escape the pain of this life, of not having to face the disciplinary that would lead to me losing my beloved job as a nursery nurse, which was more than a job to me,  My job was my whole purpose, my life.  I do not have children of my own, nor a husband or boyfriend.  I adored those children,  especially my key children, but the people I worked with hated me and knew after 20 months of exclusion and bullying I was ready to flip.  I did flip, - by this time I was already mentally ill and was seeing a therapist to help me deal with my anger.

While I was staying at a remote hostel in the Lake District I looked at the books on the bookshelf.  Four Bibles were there, the sort of Bibles that have a 'Where to Find Help When..... section in the front.  I read 'Where to Find Help when Tempted to Commit Suicide'.  I was referred to Psalm 31 vs.9-14.  When I read those verses I could not stop crying - it was as if I had written them.  I prayed through them many times, but I still lost my job.  I was in such despair I could not eat or think properly, I just wanted to die.  I stopped going to Church because I hated the people who had bullied me and got me dismissed, and I knew God said we must love our enemies and forgive.  I was also angry at God because He had made me be born.  If I had not been born I would not have to face going to Hell if I killed myself.  I was in a living Hell, but I didn't want to face an eternal one.  I did not realise it at the time but my dear Church family were praying for me.

God sent me a friend, someone who was only a casual acquaintance, but who is now my best friend.  She rang me out of the blue and asked how I was.  I told her I had lost my job.  She showed no surprise, and later told me she knew what was wrong as she had suffered workplace bullying herself, and knew the signs.  She had seen what had happened to me, and figured out what had gone on.  She accompanied me to my doctor who put me on antidepressants,  I would never have had the nerve to go myself, as I am not one to run to doctors.

Gradually I began to get better, thanks to the love of God and my true friends.  My Church family encouraged me to go back to church and gave me many hugs on my return.

One day, I went into a little village church about 15 miles from where I live and lit a candle for another of my friends who has Parkinsons. Then I found a copy of 'The Message' Bible.  I read Psalm 31 again in this version, and then it dawned on me that this Psalm was written about Jesus!  Jesus had been betrayed by friends, He had become a broken vessel, He had been plotted against, a victim of injustice, He became physically weak and emotionally tormented.  Then I realised that Jesus understood all my suffering, for He had experienced it Himself, only much, much worse.  When I became aware of how much Jesus suffered and understood my suffering I felt the warmth of His love and friendship.  Now I know His love is stronger than the hostility I experienced in the workplace.  He has made me overcome suicidal depression.

Tibicina Tibicina
41-45, F
1 Response Feb 28, 2010

In all honesty, YOU overcame suicidal depression. YOU were strong enough to defeat your emotions. Jesus was just along for the ride :)