I Owe My Mother £5000

I gamble. I try not to, but always seem to fall back into it. I even gambled today, I lost £300 in a fruit machine. You may ask 'how can you put that sort of money in a machine that's designed to take your money?' but I don't have an answer. Well, I do, but only one that doesn't even make sense to me. I am in debt to my mother to the tune of £5000 because of gambling and realistically I have no hope of paying it back...so I gamble to try and make it back. And yes, you'd be right if you're now thinking 'you're an idiot if you're in that much debt yet continue to gamble and lose'. But...even though I myself know how stupid it sounds, still I continue. And I guess it goes deeper than just repaying my mother. I'm not a money freak or anything, I don't need to have the latest phone or designer clothes, I just know that you need money to live...but I only make my situation worse by gambling. Take today for example - I got paid £180 from my job (of which I owed £100 to my boss...yes, through gambling), so had £80 left. I spent £20 on cat food (I ALWAYS make sure my cats eat) and then went straight to the arcade without even thinking and put the remaining £60 in a fruit machine. To make matters worse, when I didn't win, I went home and got the £220 my brother had given me for his share of the bills (yes, I'm in charge of the bills in the house that my brother and I share. No, I don't know why) and went back to the fruit machine. Of course, you can guess the outcome. If you can't...wait for it...I lost it all. So now I have spent £280 (not £300, sorry) of our money which is due at the end of the month. Of course, I'm not going to have it but I will somehow (as I always do) juggle the bills around and fend the companies off for another month. I also have no food in the house and no money to get any. Actually, that's not true...I have £1.77, so I will buy a loaf of bread and eat toast all week. This is how my diet usually works out, and I do appreciate that I'm probably slowly killing myself because of it. I'm going to take a break here to point out that I'm not looking for sympathy, I simply need to vent my frustration with myself. No amount of sympathy will change how I act. As my mother continues to tell me in her trying-as-much-as-she-can way, only I can change things. But it seems as though I can't. I mean, I won't gamble all week now (which is a good thing) but only because I don't have the money to do so. No doubt on Friday I will do the same thing all over again. I'd also like to apologise if this is quite hard to follow...my thoughts aren't exactly very linear and I am trying to write everything as I think of it. Actually, I need to leave now to go to work, so I will leave it there for now. I am new to the site and unsure how everything works but if I can edit this story later I will (try to) finish what I've started. If you have made it this far you must have been incredibly bored to read all of this, or you have similar problems and are looking for answers yourself, or just wanted to point and laugh at the idiot telling the world his business. Whatever the reason, I thank you. I hope this will be the first step towards actually turning things around, and I'm glad you are here to share it with me. If you want to talk about anything or poke fun at me...or donate large amounts of money...feel free to message me (if you can, again I don't know how this site works yet). Thanks for reading :)
WorldOfConfusion WorldOfConfusion
26-30, M
Jul 16, 2010