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Then And Now

Then.

It was because of Sailor Neptune. She was beautiful and somewhat mysterious.

One day when I was in about 3rd grade I was watching a Sailor Moon episode. All I remember from it was the sound of a violin; it was quite gorgeous and captivating. Of course, who was playing it? One of my favourite characters! I wanted to grow to be just like her. So, what did I do? I started the violin with my friend, and her brother who taught us. In 4th grade she dropped the violin while I went on and played with the Elementary school. When I reached Junior High, I wasn't sure why I was still playing. I wasn't good at it and I didn't love it. I was just captivated by my "idol" being able to make the violin sing. In auditions I would break down. Squeak after squeak. Failed note after failed note. Hands shaking so bad that I managed to do vibrato. Then. It happened. I broke down in the audition room and started crying. Where was the music I longed to play? Why weren't there any graceful notes? Clean bow movements? Almost 5 years of playing and nothing seemed to get better. Second to last chair almost every single year. So what was the point to finishing my auditions? I had practically claimed the back row as mine. It went down hill from there.

There was a triangle of friendship. One of us was left out, but all were in orchestra together. It almost seemed like we took turns of pairing up and leaving the third person as a wheel. It started to tear us apart. And my interest in music. Then it seemed to get a little better the next year, before it plummeted. One of my closest friends who used to always be my stand partner was moving. My first year of High School without her being in orchestra with me. The next year, she came back. A better violinist. Much better than myself. The other friend went onto a higher orchestra in the High School, so I almost never saw her. She improved as well. I was second to last chair.

Now what? I'm even worse than I was.

I dropped out.

Moved to the choir.

Realized I didn't hate the violin. I just hated that I couldn't play as well as I wished.

I rejoined.

I had no motivation to do well. Last chair. It was almost like sitting in a dark corner. You're cut off from the rest of the orchestra. You're stuck with the people who can barely read music. Once again, now what?

Playing music felt like a chore, for years it was like that. Having the feeling that I'd rather jump off a cliff than play my violin.

What happened was one of the best things in my life. No I didn't magically get better. But, I got an inspiration. Overture. Marriage of Figaro. Someone on Exp. I had a reason to play. And that reason.

To play Figaro for that one person. To have them hear that I did NOT give up.

Now.

I play the violin with pride. 

When the time comes to pull out the Overture I will finally be able let go of the violin in peace.
Ayra Ayra 18-21, F Jul 9, 2010

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