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Conscious Enough

Easy enough.
Throughout faerie's life, I have been conscious enough with my responsibilities. There's my family, until it dissolved and emerged with a son and a dog. The outside family, in-laws and other relations... uhmm, I tried, really, really tried to be conscious enough of what I can do for them. My siblings, however far apart we are across the globe... there's Viber and Skype to be conscious enough in keeping in touch. I am always conscious enough with my friends and how I spend some time with them... here and in real life. My work... ehh... I'm conscious enough to stick to the rules, a few broken ones that they don't need to know. And whatever else is out there to whom and what I need to be conscious enough about.

And then what?
Why is it that in spite I am conscious enough to meet my responsibilities to the people around me, it doesn't seem to stop? It is never really enough. The more you give, the more they take. And I give. I keep giving and giving.

I don't mind giving. I think faerie is born to be that way. It is innate, instinctive to me in nature, ingrained in my core.

Then I began feeling tired... not of giving; but something inside started growing weary... drained. And that very core began diminishing. The sparkle is slowly fading.

There's a comment I wrote recently... "If you want something to stand, you have to risk letting it fall." I've fallen... damn hard. It came to a point that all faerie can do is not to tether at the edge of the cliff anymore... but to turn around, open my arms wide... and fall... to feel gravity brush up against my body, the wind seemingly letting me plunge, my eyes looking up to the bluest of sky, my breath... oh my breath carrying me away...

It is at this crucial point where you see beyond seeing... where your heart and soul meet at a rendezvous... where the Universe gives you that moment of chance to enlighten the whys... where you can be sooo damn honest with yourself and live with the truth.

And the truth is... faerie was afraid. Those skeletons in the closet have a way of creeping out in the most bizarre ways. I was giving to please. I was giving so they'd ask for more and they'll always be there. I was giving to have them need me. I was giving because I was afraid to be alone.

Mindfulness... a concept I thought is external. It is not. I need to be mindful of myself first. I need to be mindful why I am doing such things. And when it's all for the wrong reasons... well, the sparkle fades. I'm conscious enough now to know that. This is a practice. And as with all practices, it gets better in time. It is not that I am not afraid anymore... the sparkle tends to fade from time to time... but I am conscious enough and mindful enough to understand the whys.

Is it scarier to be mindful enough and accept the whys?
Yes.
But it is fluckin' freeing.


 
Sylphy Sylphy 41-45, F 5 Responses Dec 10, 2012

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This really got me. I am addicted to feeling needed, I think. I say that I tend to attract very needy people to me in real life, but perhaps it's me--maybe I am attracted to them somehow because I get off by helping them. I don't know. Like you I'm not sure. But what I do know is that after a while it becomes, (as you said) very draining, especially when the help that you (unconsciously or consciously) give goes unappreciated. Then what?

Also, when you finally realize that your services are no longer needed, for one reason or another, that is another kind of blow that I haven't yet figured out how to deal with. It IS scary. But I like that you said that the self-awareness is...freeing.
Amen.

I believe you know, Quin... but admitting to it is the next step to letting go of that need. It's not easy, huh? Some people may go through this their whole life... but you are aware now, that initial brutal step of acknowledging the flaw. It is a flaw, sweets... our flaw... one we need not be ashamed of because we didn't know any better then. We do now... what we do next after knowing is the pivotal turn to a new path. Will you take the turn?

You're not the first person to tell me this, about the flaw, but you are the most insistent that quitting is the way to go. I'm working on it. Thanks Sylph.

i think
the practice of mindfullness
is quite freeing for me...
i love to look at each day...
as made up of moments...
moments that i can change
what i focus on
the meaning i attach to
circumstances....
and ultimately create...
new moments....
nice to know....if the moments
you are in suck,
you are not obligated to stay
on that course...
free to switch gears...
and....
carry on...
joyinthejourney, clg

That is an awesome way of going through life... take each part into moments and either relish or wait until it passes. You've got it going, clg... hang onto that perspective. It is fluckin' freeing. =)

sooo....
smilin here....
enjoy your moments, clg

I think you are very wise.

A gift is only a gift when it is unencumbered- when you feel drained, you have been, or are being leeched by the needs and wants of others. Know your boundaries. If you chose to cross them for people, then it is an acknowledged choice- and you can chose when to stop, but when forced by emotional games, then it is a leeching sort of thing that will suck the life blood out of you. Your generosity is your strength, not your weakness- for it permits you to see the world in a wonderfully colored and kaleidoscoped way, and you give as you feel would be of benefit- but don't forget yourself, and your boundaries......Sent with affection. :-)

My leeching stems from clinging. =(

But honestly, I want to cling... and will keep that... because that is me.
I just don't want to be a leech sucking to keep playing the emotional games. It's a very sad and pathetic excuse for generosity. Mother Teresa and Gandhi will condemn faerie!

I remember a class i took years ago
in which the discussion was...
"Does pure altruism really exist?
(giving with wanting nothing in return)
before we choose to do a kind deed...
say a kind word...
we already are aware...
on some level...
it will make us feel good...
does that mean all giving is
self centered...selfish?
nope...i don't think so.....
i see the good feelings
as a sort of "side effect"
step back...
just a little...
and give yourself
some grace...
and while your at it...
give yourself a big hug....
the world is a better place...
simply because
you
are....
period.

Amen...hope you are looking in a mirror.

heart melting....
dunno...
just is

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*applauds you* Way to go, faerie!

*curtsies... then shuffle dances around A*

*grabs both your hands and spins us both wildly*

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” ~ James Baraz

Damn that quote generator... has the right words all the time!

Really Sci... you summarized my whole story! *copies quote*

Gee, now you're making me blush...

*powders your cheeks*

Just make sure you're powdering the correct ones...

Stop bending over then! :P***

Hey Sciguy. Im looking to start up Mindfulness. I need a good dvd or CD to get me going. Any recommendations please?

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