Conscious EnoughEasy enough.
Throughout faerie's life, I have been conscious enough with my responsibilities. There's my family, until it dissolved and emerged with a son and a dog. The outside family, in-laws and other relations... uhmm, I tried, really, really tried to be conscious enough of what I can do for them. My siblings, however far apart we are across the globe... there's Viber and Skype to be conscious enough in keeping in touch. I am always conscious enough with my friends and how I spend some time with them... here and in real life. My work... ehh... I'm conscious enough to stick to the rules, a few broken ones that they don't need to know. And whatever else is out there to whom and what I need to be conscious enough about.
And then what?
Why is it that in spite I am conscious enough to meet my responsibilities to the people around me, it doesn't seem to stop? It is never really enough. The more you give, the more they take. And I give. I keep giving and giving.
I don't mind giving. I think faerie is born to be that way. It is innate, instinctive to me in nature, ingrained in my core.
Then I began feeling tired... not of giving; but something inside started growing weary... drained. And that very core began diminishing. The sparkle is slowly fading.
There's a comment I wrote recently... "If you want something to stand, you have to risk letting it fall." I've fallen... damn hard. It came to a point that all faerie can do is not to tether at the edge of the cliff anymore... but to turn around, open my arms wide... and fall... to feel gravity brush up against my body, the wind seemingly letting me plunge, my eyes looking up to the bluest of sky, my breath... oh my breath carrying me away...
It is at this crucial point where you see beyond seeing... where your heart and soul meet at a rendezvous... where the Universe gives you that moment of chance to enlighten the whys... where you can be sooo damn honest with yourself and live with the truth.
And the truth is... faerie was afraid. Those skeletons in the closet have a way of creeping out in the most bizarre ways. I was giving to please. I was giving so they'd ask for more and they'll always be there. I was giving to have them need me. I was giving because I was afraid to be alone.
Mindfulness... a concept I thought is external. It is not. I need to be mindful of myself first. I need to be mindful why I am doing such things. And when it's all for the wrong reasons... well, the sparkle fades. I'm conscious enough now to know that. This is a practice. And as with all practices, it gets better in time. It is not that I am not afraid anymore... the sparkle tends to fade from time to time... but I am conscious enough and mindful enough to understand the whys.
Is it scarier to be mindful enough and accept the whys?
But it is fluckin' freeing.
Sylphy 41-45, F 5 Responses 10 Dec 10, 2012