Practise What Works

When I was a younger man, I used to lie naked on my bed, not to be sexual, but to be ******** of all that held me back. I imagined my favorite color rising up my body, beginning in my toes. Slowly the energy would rise, warming, healing and energizing my cells. The color sensation would rise threw my legs and slowly envelope my groin where it would heal my sexual anxiety. Then it slowly rose to fill my chest, feeling my heart relax and enlarge. Up to my shoulder and spreading down my arms, then gathering and filling my head where it brightens and then flows out of me into the Universe where I would dance among the stars. Skipping and spinning in pure delight. I found a soul mate in the sky; we danced like we were skating on ice, flying together circling the planets skipping on stars.

Soon a wonderful soul became my lover and fulfilled this visualization. I had also practiced affirmations from a book by Sondra Ray, I Deserve Love. And a beautiful love we had, a lifetime of memories we shared for three years. Then our past daemons took over and we never even said goodbye as the us became two not speaking.

My wife has filed for divorce. I had fallen from her grace when my daemon tore me down into an abyss. I stopped loving myself, and was so shocked she kept loving me. Here patience ran out as I climbed out of the darkness. She waited until I was healthy enough to serve the papers. I am no longer the man she married. She is scared of what might happen next.

What she does not know is that I am a better man than she married. The daemon that haunted me, I faced after I learned the more I ran, the harder I fought the larger it got. So I faced it and no longer run or fight and the daemon is resting in peace, never to rise again.

I should be elated at my new found freedom. It is scary, that daemon took up so much of me, what do I put in its place? As I am coming out of the dark, negotiating the collateral damage, my wife gave up. I didn't tell her or share what I was going through, believing the evil memories I had to conquer were not to share. But I did share by cutting her off and crawling away deep into myself. I should have held on to her and let her help me heal, but I didn't want to hurt her and ironically that is exactly what I did,

I am now reading and practicing Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain trying to save my marriage. I know in my heart and soul that this is a mistake to divorce. As I am rising out the ashes I will am a better man than I have ever been and I want to share this adventure with the only women I will ever love, the mother of my child, and the keeper of my dreams. I will do all I can both mentally and physically. If I fail, I will have no regrets, since I am giving it my all.
thykermit thykermit
51-55, M
Dec 11, 2012