I Pretend So I Can Function.

I don't really feel any good feelings any more. When someone tells a joke, i don't find it funny, when someone tells of this great thing that happened or i watch a film i like, i don't feel happy. Emotions are meant to hit you and then linger for a while, i barely even feel the impact, and then they are gone again almost instantly.

However, i feel every bad thing like its a led weight falling on me, if something particularly bad happens, like i get into any kind of argument, i feel horrible for days. I don't seem to want anything, all i ever wanted was to be happy, a task that seems to be completely impossible now.

On top of this, i am barely managing to hang on to my degree at university, my best friend is dead, he died only days before my last birthday with no reason at all, because of this, my first thought when any of my friends doesn't answer the phone or disappears is that they might be dead, i am crazy about a girl that i KNOW doesn't feel the same way, i blame myself for not managing to talk another one of my friends out of a suicide attempt, (the fact that she was found unconscious and was brought to a hospital in time doesn't help much because i still failed her when she really needed me), I cant even stand the cynical and bitter person i have become, and im sure my family and friends feel the same, since my group of friends has got rather few and far between of late.

All i want to do any more is crawl into a corner and find some way to stop thinking, but i cant think of any way to do that short of severe alcoholism or some major drugs. So i pretend im ok. I put a smile on my face when i think someone is watching, i force a laugh when someone tells a joke, i go to the pub and the cinema, i do what normal people my age do, even though i don't enjoy myself, just once in a while, i at least get a little bit distracted. The only way i have managed to achieve this, however, is to rehearse every possible encounter or conversation in my head beforehand, every comment, every action, every bit of body language from where i am looking, to my posture, to the slight bobbing and shaking of my head when i laugh. My smile: slightly lopsided to the left, just showing my top teeth, with a slight crinkle around the eyes. I even play through extreme circumstances in my head, like car crashes, or bad arguments, or my reaction to the loss of a friendship, so i wont get caught out.

If i ever get caught without a rehearsed set of responses, and comments, i just stop, i cant speak or think, i cant do anything, and i have great difficulty stopping myself crying, and i was never one to cry.

Only one person has even noticed the occasional smile or look of concern has been faked, the girl i am crazy about. She has figured out that i hate myself, and that i have an incredibly negative attitude, im terrified that she will find out more, like how im crazy about her or spend my nights sitting on the sofa trying to will myself out of existence, but at the same time, i kinda wish at least 1 person on this earth knew anything about me.
djpanda djpanda
18-21, M
Aug 8, 2010