Hi :)I was just searching random "statements" on Google then I stumbled upon this site. LOL I know it's weird typing up random things you have in mind and searching them up on Google. But it's just that I am not feeling good today, mentally and emotionally.
I read many articles about "pretending to be happy" and some sort of that here in this forum. Now I'm feeling that I'm not the only one feeling or had already felt this.
So basically, I have nothing else to wish for in my life. I have a good family, a good house, a good way of living, and I was able to get in to one of the best universities in our country. It is actually a mindset among the people here in our country that being able to study in this campus brings one honor because you're being considered a very bright and talented person. People around me tells me that I have a bright future in store for me.....though there is something I feel wrong.
You see, I spent my time saying what's inside me on a random site, where no one really knows me personally. Well, that exactly is my personality. I think I have people around me that I can call "friends", not many but I feel okay when I'm with them. The thing is, I don't like bugging others just to listen and help me with whatever I may be going through............the truth is, I am afraid that my friends won't mind and they might think I'm annoying, or worse, they may still consider me as someone who isn't that close to them enough. I'm afraid that they just consider me as "one of those people" they see everyday in our campus. Thinking about that doesn't make me feel that bad...at first, until the "life of a teenager" is slowly taking its toll on me. I realized that I can't hold onto this situation forever. There are times that I can't pretend to be happy anymore in front of my friends (even my family).
You might be wondering why I am thinking like this? I am not an anti-social kind of person, I actually like company. Though lately, for the years that passed, I begin to doubt if I made a strong bond or friendship then between my companions....and I think I did not. When I was still in high school, I might be pretending or fooling myself that my friends just have other friends, other than me (or maybe I am the only one thinking that way). But I could see that I am really the "odd man out". I don't know. Even in other groups of friends that I think I'm included, I always feel the same...that's why I grew more and more conscious about my behavior towards others because I don't like making others fed up, especially my friends. One time, I liked one girl in our class and I started to make her feel that I am just around. Long cheesy story short, there was another person around her then and troubles arise and finally, I realized that all along, all the kindness and the happy moments we spent together would just stay like that, and there were times that it's obvious that she don't like me and she wants me to "keep a distance" between us. Cheesy indeed. I agree on that, from that moment on I swore to myself that I would go around and know people to enjoy and not to go in deeper so as to avoid heartaches in the end.
To talk in general about my friends, with their actions towards me, I can see that they are not really fond of me. They don't like me that much or there are some other things they don't like about me. And now I am starting to believe that I am the problem. It feels like if we are 10 in a company and we are told to make a group of 9, they would even settle for an 8 so that they would not let me in...
So yeah, I admitted that I got the problem....but I don't even know what it is! So I checked myself, my personality, my behavior and all, and one by one I started correcting things that I thought were the problem. The result was just the same. I am still considered as a "stranger". So finally, I accepted the fact that I won't see any sincere friends or just people that I can be confident to call as friends. Oh, haven't I told that I used to be a loner (or maybe up to now, I am just denying it)? Yes, and most of the time I am enjoying my everyday life in school alone. Friends would come and pass by and say "hello, how are you?", and I would say "I'm fine..." and other replies just for the sake of "socializing" or whatever. But I am spending most of the time alone, and I am actually enjoying....unless I find no time to be happy, instead there are many sad or depressing times that I need to cope up, alone.
Another thing I want to mention is my family. I said earlier that I have a good family....though it is not that perfect... Just to give you a glimpse of what it's like to be in this house, my mom and dad would always fight, everyday I must expect a commotion between them. My mom, she is very nice, very pretty and very loving to me and my brother, though there is just one problem....lately, she began expressing her frustration about many things, mostly on how she ended up with dad. So yeah, typical marital problems. But in my own judgement, it is going past the typical level. The commotions would get louder and there were times that the words that were supposed to be directed to someone went to me instead. That becomes the pattern. So if either one of them, especially mom, is around me, all I can hear is rants. curses that ranges from severe to very, very vulgar. When these things happen along with other "social" problems I'm having, all I can do is close my eyes, try to relax, and then I think if I am the only one experiencing this. I saw most of my friends' families, I've been to their houses and I can tell that their family is really fine and they love each other, especially the parents. There I began to feel jealous of others. Why should we have this kind of problem in the family? Why should it be like this when the families of my friends can be happy and peaceful inside their homes. Dad was also quite peaceful unlike Mom, but actually, Dad is not really "giving" to his family unlike others. I don't know. When I was young, I felt like he didn't want us to get things that would make us feel good. I am not demanding him to be materialistic, I don't mind actually if he doesn't give us something like expensive smartphones but I just want him to become more "family-oriented" like other fathers do and be kind to mom...that's where mom's frustration started to be honest....
Lastly, I couldn't take the pressure that is given to me. My mom, especially, is demanding me for more. I think studying in a well-renowned university is still not enough. It's not that I am not competitive or not open for criticisms, but I just feel like mom and other people would tell me I'm smart, good, or whatever, but actually they start to expect that I can give something more. I also think, regarding Mom, that she wants me to grow up fast, because she now wants to enjoy. I understand how she feels, I am aware of her unconditional love for us and she deserves to be happy......though there is just that sinking feeling in my heart whenever I hear something like that from her or when I just think about it. It makes me think that people, including my family, are growing tired of me, and I have to move and to go beyond my limits to do more than I already achieved. In short, it makes me feel that I'm unwanted. Yeah, to sum up everything I said, I feel unwanted, that no one cares now. For times when everything seems to fall apart, I can't even talk to my family for the same reason that they could think I am a brat or demanding for too much, or simply they won't mind. All I can do sometimes (like now) is to hold myself and stop those tears from coming out. Then I think of other people which I know are happy and contented with their lives, some of which are successful and are doing things they like. They can shout praises to God for the blessings while I, being already blessed with many things, can't even pray and thank God because I still feel hopeless.
I just want all of these to stop. I want to start anew. I now admit that for the past years I am indeed unhappy and depressed. I don't like pretending to be someone who I am not (I used to imitate someone I know that is happy so that I can use his ways or others may like me that way). I know to myself that I am just a laid-back person who have certain passions and interests and only wants to be happy in his life. I don't need to be anything like being rich or famous, a smartypants, or to be someone so talented. I just want people, including my family, to realize that I exist and I also have to live my life for myself. I just want to be happy. I want to be thankful wholeheartedly so I won't face God with bitterness or anything. I just want to find a way for me to find happiness, just plain, simple happiness.....
(Sorry if you have to read these long paragraphs. I just need to write it off.) :D