I Pretend I'm Okay
Everything I am writing here is true, to my belief, that I can promise. I am not complaining. I am just too perplexed, too surprised, too terrified. I have been postponing writing this in front of you all, but I just cannot keep it inside me. It has to come out of me. I am sorry if this spoils your day.
I am a 17 year old boy. I am a real thanatophobic( really afraid of death). Precisely, afraid of death while young. I lost my father at the age of 12. Then, my mind was too feeble to miss him, but still, I knew that man loved me more than anything in this world and that in a way, he died for me. As I grew up, my crying for him became less, but as my conscience developed, I could increasingly feel the emptiness his death had made in my life. At every party where I used to go with him - being alone; not knowing anyone, at every form that asked to fill my fathers name, by seeing every luxury that I now enjoy, which he provided for my by sacrificing every pleasure he could have had at every other moment of his life, my heart aches.
But, there was a relief, my mother, she is so filled with love for me, that sometime her presence fills that emptiness. She is the motivation that made me decide that I have to prosper, I have to go ahead, I have to work hard and give her every joy and pleasure that she deserves. She lives by me. I am the only thing that matters to her.
I have had one of the jolliest friends, one of the most loving family, one of the happiest experiences. You see, I am very spiritual, I try to help as many people as I want, cheer as many sad faces as I can and be a shining light to most of the lives I touch. I used to sin, but then slowly I ripped off those bad things I had accumulated over time, and became a better person. I have been praying since I was a child for, a long life so that I can help more people, make the world a better place. I used to cry and pray for a long life, to be safe from diseases. I trembled even by the thought of disease like brain tumour, cancer, accidents etc.
While I was trying to do everything to make my mother happy, to make myself a good person, to be a person my mother wants me to be, to put a smile on her face by rising to her expectation, trying to obey GOD, I found overnight a hard, bony, colourless lump behind my right ear. All these years not praying for money, not praying for riches, not praying for power, consoling myself when I saw my friends enjoying worldy pleasures, that I'll be on the right path so everything stays fine, I have this lump. It devastated me, I fell apart, I prayed, begged, cried, that this not be cancer. Its something general, it will heal on its own. You guys know what the internet says about it. More than 5 weeks since it appeared. It is still in the same position as it was. I don't know what to do. The doc gave me antibiotics for fungul infection, they didn't work. I burst into tears when I see my mom buying something for me so that I look good, when I think that it might be cancer, that I may die while young, that I may have to leave my mom, that my mom may have to watch me die, and a lot of other things. But, I cannot cry in front of my mom, in front of anyone, I have to keep these feeling compressed inside my, while they are trying to burst out, I have to smile on jokes, go to school, try to be normal, pretend I'm okay, wear a fake smile. There are moments when I am happy, but they are mostly followed by a deep sensation of fear when I am reminded of this lump.
Don't know whats gonna happen next..!
Have a great day ahead..!
I am a 17 year old boy. I am a real thanatophobic( really afraid of death). Precisely, afraid of death while young. I lost my father at the age of 12. Then, my mind was too feeble to miss him, but still, I knew that man loved me more than anything in this world and that in a way, he died for me. As I grew up, my crying for him became less, but as my conscience developed, I could increasingly feel the emptiness his death had made in my life. At every party where I used to go with him - being alone; not knowing anyone, at every form that asked to fill my fathers name, by seeing every luxury that I now enjoy, which he provided for my by sacrificing every pleasure he could have had at every other moment of his life, my heart aches.
But, there was a relief, my mother, she is so filled with love for me, that sometime her presence fills that emptiness. She is the motivation that made me decide that I have to prosper, I have to go ahead, I have to work hard and give her every joy and pleasure that she deserves. She lives by me. I am the only thing that matters to her.
I have had one of the jolliest friends, one of the most loving family, one of the happiest experiences. You see, I am very spiritual, I try to help as many people as I want, cheer as many sad faces as I can and be a shining light to most of the lives I touch. I used to sin, but then slowly I ripped off those bad things I had accumulated over time, and became a better person. I have been praying since I was a child for, a long life so that I can help more people, make the world a better place. I used to cry and pray for a long life, to be safe from diseases. I trembled even by the thought of disease like brain tumour, cancer, accidents etc.
While I was trying to do everything to make my mother happy, to make myself a good person, to be a person my mother wants me to be, to put a smile on her face by rising to her expectation, trying to obey GOD, I found overnight a hard, bony, colourless lump behind my right ear. All these years not praying for money, not praying for riches, not praying for power, consoling myself when I saw my friends enjoying worldy pleasures, that I'll be on the right path so everything stays fine, I have this lump. It devastated me, I fell apart, I prayed, begged, cried, that this not be cancer. Its something general, it will heal on its own. You guys know what the internet says about it. More than 5 weeks since it appeared. It is still in the same position as it was. I don't know what to do. The doc gave me antibiotics for fungul infection, they didn't work. I burst into tears when I see my mom buying something for me so that I look good, when I think that it might be cancer, that I may die while young, that I may have to leave my mom, that my mom may have to watch me die, and a lot of other things. But, I cannot cry in front of my mom, in front of anyone, I have to keep these feeling compressed inside my, while they are trying to burst out, I have to smile on jokes, go to school, try to be normal, pretend I'm okay, wear a fake smile. There are moments when I am happy, but they are mostly followed by a deep sensation of fear when I am reminded of this lump.
Don't know whats gonna happen next..!
Have a great day ahead..!
By:
MohdHusaam
Age:
16-17
,
Male
1
response
